Recently I was asked to consider a that question during a one-on-one session with a woman committed to move me through my current marital separation. I was encouraged to pray about this question before I made the attempt to answer it and then answer it honestly, openly, and in the raw.
If you had asked me this question four or five years ago, I’m pretty sure that I’d have answered it differently - not because my wants have changed, but because I had been imprisoned without even knowing it. I felt caged - unable to express myself fully and resentful. Very, very resentful.
I just didn’t know why.
It’s easy for us to get into a pattern of talking about, worrying about, and expressing all the things that we DON’T want - in fact, as soon as she asked me to think about the question, I immediately went into “what I don’t want” mode. After really considering the question, praying a lot, and shifting my mode, below is a list of things that I know I want.
- Without a shadow of a doubt, I know I want to maintain a walk with God, and I want my family to have one also. Why it’s taken me twenty-three years to realize that my stray from this path wasn’t helping me is BEYOND me. Maybe it was the nice house, fancy car, career path, and Disney vacations - but now that I see past all of those things, I know they were just a band-aide for the satisfaction I was missing in my faith. Prayer, faith, and trust that “He’s got this” is keeping me moving forward in a better direction. I want this for my children, and ultimately for my entire family.
- I also want to be the one who guides my children in their walk through life. I spent the last eighteen years of my life guiding thousands of others’ children, and I am so done with that. I want to stay home with my own two - guiding them in their paths to knowledge, self-worth, and spirituality.
- Whatever happens to me, I want to love myself. Period.
- Being surrounded by healthy relationships and positive, uplifting people is my next wish for myself and for my family. After going through what I have gone through this year, I recognize how unhealthy my relationships have been. All of them - even with my children. I have shed layer after layer of relationship disasters since I have made my way back to Him, and I’m certain I have much more to shed. The work I need to do is extensive, but I’m not giving up until He has completed it in my life.
- The final thing I want for my life is to use my experience to help others. I can see my transparency having an affect on people, and I want to continue to bring people together using the knowledge I’ve gathered about relationships over the last seven months.
Amazing the path I have had to take in order to come to these conclusions, but honestly, even thought I regret the pain that I’ve caused my family (and most importantly, my husband), I never want to go back. Never. My faith is what is guiding me through this dark and frightening time, and it will carry me to the end and beyond. My new network of faithful and trustworthy supporters is who I want by my side in the end along with God and my family. But each and every relationship I now hold puts God first before anything, and that is what I want in life.
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