Ever wonder why some families just seem to have it all together and others seem to be just one big pile of a hot mess? Well, first off, some families are just really good at hiding that hot mess and lying about it – sometimes forever. They use money, power, dynamic behaviors, or other distractions to take our attention from the disaster and put it on their “successes”. Others, however, just hang it all out there because, frankly, the catastrophic incidences are either too big or too many to conceal. Know anybody like this? Are you part of a family like this?
I am. And I love them dearly. But honestly, we are all a hot mess. See? I’m just hanging it all out there. Why not? Don’t be mad, Mom.
Why am I bringing this up? Because this morning while in the midst of yet another study session with my Boundaries book, workbook, and my Bible, I discovered something I needed to share with my extended family. So pass this note on, friends, because it’s big and needs attention! Today’s revelation is on destructive behaviors.
Before December I had no clue what boundaries were in relationships. About the closest I’d ever come to boundaries was when I was a kid and my mom told me that I couldn’t go past the driveway of our neighbor’s house on either side while riding my bike. Boundaries. A way of keeping us close and yet giving us a little freedom, right?
So as I begun the work on myself in December to demolish my learned behaviors and rebuild with strong emotional and communication boundaries, an entirely new world was revealed to me that I so desperately want to share with all of my unhappy friends (and trust me when I say that more of my friends are discouraged and unhappy than are not). Honestly, this has been tough – mainly because one cannot make changes in one’s life if one believes there’s nothing that needs changing. Truth.
However.
YOU know if there’s a hot mess happening in your life. YOU know if something is wrong – even if you don’t want to publicly air that dirt – you know. Why?
Because you see the destructive behaviors. They come in the forms of addictions, abuse, or self-harm. They make you sad. They might surface in a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or even you. Just an FYI – these behaviors are NOT normal. They are major red flags that indicate that something is amiss and needed to change yesterday.
And guess what? You don’t have to display it to the world like me. You can work through it quietly and make changes.
Let me be very clear, however. You can change YOUR behavior. You cannot change the behavior of another person. You have the freedom to choose what to do, how to feel, and what to think. God gives us all free will, which means that no matter what you do, you cannot change the behavior, feelings, or attitudes of another person. To try to do so would just pour gasoline on those already-nearly-unmanageable flames. And so you make changes in your behavior that may or may not affect others, but ultimately they will make you happier and stronger. Disclaimer – this is probably gonna hurt. A lot.
Addictions run in my family. Not one type – all forms. We have addictive personalities and a plethora of psychological disorders. I, myself, have been diagnosed several times with situational depression and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I struggle with both human and food addictions. Over the last ten months I’ve contemplated suicide twice. I’m a hot mess.
But I looked so good just a year ago, didn’t I?
I’m a gifted deceiver. A clown. Putting on a mask with a smile even though I suffered on the inside. It’s no coincidence that I started my collection of clowns when I was twelve. After collecting upwards of 180 of them, you’d think somebody would have realized the symbolism here.
And the misery came from the collective boundary issues that we have passed down from generation to generation. My parents raised me to their very best ability –doing exactly what they could do with what they had been given, and I LOVE and respect them more today than I EVER have. They learned their boundaries (or lack thereof) from their parents and their parents from theirs and so on . . .
This is not about passing down addictive personalities or psychological disorders in our DNA, my friends. Although scientifically, I’m positive that somebody could prove to me that we do, indeed, pass this stuff on, I’d like to say that the buck stops here.
I refuse to pass this garbage on to my babies. If you have an immune system that is weak, do you not do everything you can to AVOID illness by eating better, exercising, and taking supplements? If I am susceptible to depression, food disorders, or drug abuse, why would I not do anything in my power to avoid behaviors that would spur those things? Why would I not be proactive about creating a different environment so that my children weren’t exposed to the mess? If I know and do nothing, isn’t that abusive in and of itself?
I vow that from now on, I will teach my children what I’ve learned about myself and what God has done for me to help me to not completely destroy myself. They will learn healthy communication and have it modeled to them over and over again. I promise to teach them how to recognize when others are laying down boundaries and how to be strong and set their own boundaries. I make this pledge to be here while my children wallow through life, making mistakes, and to guide them using my experiences and the Word of God. The cycle must stop somewhere in order for healing to take place. It stops here.
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