This is gonna make you uncomfortable. Just wanted to let you know that right now so that you can decide whether you even want to continue reading it. It’s going to be raw and open, and I’m not going to sweeten things because somebody might get hurt feelings or be offended. I’m just going to say it like it is.
We’ve all heard the fifteenth century proverb The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Designed to keep you from coveting what your neighbor has or a circumstance that looks better than one’s own, this proverb can be quoted in any setting. Including marriage. My marriage, for example.
Let me just say this - if you’re considering going outside your marriage, don’t. If you already are, stop. I’m not going to talk to you about sin and adultery and how God feels about infidelity. What I am going to say, however, is this.
Divorce sucks. It hurts more than anything that I’ve ever experienced before. I want it to be over and to never end all at the same time. I beg for somebody to put me out of my misery and wish that somebody would just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay - all in the same breath. Nothing in the future looks happy or sunny or hopeful. It’s bleak. And gray. And dead. And I just don’t want to make the wrong choices anymore. I hate watching the confused expressions on the faces of my children, and I hate not knowing what tomorrow will look like. If you can avoid it and stay healthy, don’t divorce. It’s messy. And it leaves a lot of scars.
If your marriage is failing, and you haven’t gotten help, pick up your phone and do a search for psychology providers who accept your insurance - and GO SEE ONE. Check your Employee Assistance Plan and get your five free sessions in. Or call your pastor right now and ask what resources are available through your church. Do something. Something other than seek out another relationship.
We can point our fingers and blame our spouses for the loss of intimacy, communication, and trust, but when it all boils down to it, we allowed it to happen. That’s not healthy, and if we are exhibiting unhealthy relationship behaviors, we need to examine ourselves with the help of a professional.
Let me just tell you that no matter where the grass is greener, you will kill it without making permanent changes in your life. You can and will easily fall into the same patterns that you did the first time around, and you will find yourself back in the same situation you were when you started.
My son and I have this saying when we make a mistake, and it goes simply like this: Yay! I made a mistake! And then we look for how we can learn from the mistake. But sometimes we can’t figure it out on our own and need to consult places where professionals have had to explain where we went wrong.
Let me be clear, infidelity is not an accident. It’s not a mistake. You don’t accidentally build a relationship with somebody. You choose to. But you can still own your bad choices and learn from them.
Healing and change must happen before a new relationship can be built. At least it does for me. See, I don’t have any grass left. I stopped watering and taking care of my own and started watering the grass on the other side. But when I looked back and saw what I had done to my yard, I went running back to try and water it, but it was too late. The grass had died.
But I love my yard. So I started to search for ways to change the way I was caring for it on the slim chance that there would be any way I could replant it. And that’s what I’ve been doing. And I will continue to do that until I am not able to any longer.
In essence, figure yourself out – even if your spouse refuses to reflect. YOU reflect. YOU seek counseling. YOU make changes. He/she is either going to appreciate them or not – but regardless, the changes you make today will affect your life on more than just the romantic plane, and you’ll be a more confident person than you ever were. Then confront your spouse and honestly tell him/her that things are really THAT bad. THEN if resistance continues – you have some tough choices to make. But those choices are yours and yours alone, and you can now at least say you tried and feel confident that you really did.
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