Over the last few months I’ve heard people say to me or to other people - Heather, you’ve changed since your separation last September. Some who were closest to me say they don’t even now me anymore (including my husband). Trust me when I say I’m still trying to get reacquainted with myself. So I thought I’d give you all a glimpse of what is happening inside me so that you can decide just how much I’ve changed or just how much I’ve returned home . . .
On Mother’s Day, Amanda Hodge spoke at church. I was amused by this because I thought Mother’s Day was supposed to be a day where the moms were pampered and NOT WORKING, but our pastor had taken the day off and let his wife speak instead. :) Still, I was intrigued at the prospect of hearing from this woman who plays a background role in our community, and I was not at all disappointed. The thing is, although Amanda’s message spoke one thing to the community, God spent the entire time speaking to me in a different way. It was like there were two messages going on in that place last Sunday. It was beautiful.
So Amanda began her message by reading a Gaelic folk tale about a selkie or seal woman. In Gaelic folklore, these creatures were said to live as seals but could shed their seal skins to come onto land an walk as humans. In the tale, a man tricks a seal woman by stealing her seal skin while she is on land and forces her to marry him. He tells her that after a length of time (the time varies dependent upon the version of the tale), if she doesn’t want to be on land anymore, she can have her skin back and return to the sea. She relents and marries him. Now, depending on the version of the story, they have at least one child. Some renditions say they have a boy and a girl, but in Sunday’s case, the couple birth a boy.
As time progressed, the selkie woman’s skin begins to dry and patch, and her eyes dull, her hair thins. She is clearly sickly, and she longs for her home in the sea, but her husband refuses to return her seal skin - even after the allotted time. Eventually her son finds it and returns it to her. She immediately puts it on, breathes magic into him and takes him to her family in the sea. Her health returns, and she becomes strong. After some time, she returns her son to land with a promise that they would be together often. She never sees her husband again, but she remains faithful to her son and is happy. Of course, all I could do is feel sad for the child, who now has to live part time without his mother - you see where I’m going with this, right?
As I listened to this tale, God spoke to me loud and clear about the parallels in my life. Although at no point was there ever any malicious tricking, I had shed my seal skin when I met my husband twenty-three years ago. I was outside of my element - had ventured away from my home, so to speak. The first eighteen years of my life had been centered around my walk with Christ - regardless of how skewed that walk was or how shallow - God was an integral part of my life. Period. When I was eighteen, I walked away and never looked back.
As years passed, my spiritual skin started to crack and flake, my spiritual eyes dulled, and my health was diminishing spiritually - all of which were having a major impact on my entire life. I was wandering. Try as I might, I couldn’t make any other type of spirituality work for me. I craved the intimacy that God provided and needed it back so desperately. Thankfully this was His plan.
In December my seal skin was returned, and after a month or so of poking it and trying to decide whether to put it on, I jumped headfirst into the sea of His love and protection. And the transformation began. I am new, but not new. I have had to shed dozens of old ways, habits, and behaviors - many of which were just so unhealthy, but I have also gained new ways, habits, and behaviors that have caused a new joy, peace, and prosperity. My values have changed. I am a new me - better than ever - one who is learning contentment in what is rather than what I feel should be or what may be. I can see clearer out of these renewed eyes. I can love harder and longer and healthier with my revitalized heart. I am happy, and I never want to return to land.
But I see this in my husband also. At first I thought, Oh my God! I broke him! But after contemplation and reflection, I’m wondering if his seal skin has been returned to him as well. He, also, seems like he’s finally gone home, but his home is in another world - one that can’t connect with mine. That makes me sad, but seeing him happy makes me happy.
Maybe we were two people who’d lost our seal skins, and we clung to each other, hoping to find some peace without them. Maybe we bent to what society said was best and not what our true selves believed was best. But I see each of us listening to what our version of God is telling us - sadly they’re saying different things.
But we are both home now. And our job now is to be absolutely positively sure that our children can thrive in this split environment with minimal interruption to their lives. This will be tricky and painful, as we are already making adjustments, but in the end hopefully health will flood our lives, and we can move on in love.
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