I packed extra Kleenex today fully expecting to be moved by another one of Scott’s messages. Almost every week since January, his messages have spoken to me in a way that stabs at my core and allows me to dig up some more realizations about how my marriage failed and how I am being transformed. So this week, when he started his message out with “Follow Your Passions” I was like . . . Huh? No!
To me, “follow your passions” is kind of cliche. I wasn’t disappointed, per se, but I knew I wasn’t going to get as much out of it - and I certainly wasn’t going to squeeze any tears out about my passions - that was for darned sure. I’m kind of all wrung out with following my passions, honestly. Actually, I’m kind of wrung out. Period.
Ok, to be fair, I’ve known Scott since we were twelve, so I kind of have a good idea about how he behaved and looked when he was in middle and high school - and yes, he pushed the buck at times. So his introduction about feeling like he didn’t really fit in anywhere made me smile and nod. Of course he didn’t. The photos he showed his listeners were hilarious - painting this picture of how he tried to be what he was supposed to be in certain settings, but nothing was working. Nothing. Scott is not a chameleon.
Before long, however, I got that strange feeling that God was speaking to me again. I rewound to one week before during Scott’s message and the idea that relating to people through two simple words “me too” makes a world of difference in a relationships and BLAMMO. The tears came. Me too. Yep, Scott. Me too.
See, I started out my college career knowing that I would be a teacher by the end. I bounced from math (until I took Calculus 1), music (until I messed up my 1st year, 2nd semester and had to retake Theory 2), and finally to elementary education where I stayed because I couldn’t really think of anything I wanted to do more. I settled.
I’m smiling now because I’m thinking about what my passions were back then. Take a guess . . . . Musical theater. I wanted to sing and dance and act on stage, and I had since I was like seven or eight years old. But I spent my life not wanting to disappoint anybody, so I settled and played it safe. I sang and acted my way through high school (rather poorly), took a few years off, and started up again my third year of college. I don’t really think I grew into my vocal cords until I was probably about 23. I also remember wanting to be a mom and have eight children . . . lol!
Once I started teaching, I got lost. I got lost in the world of “making a difference” and educating America’s next generation. I got mixed up in the politics, became a leader and developer of curriculum in every school that was nuts enough to have me, and I was so confused for so long, that I spent $30,000+ and got two masters degrees in areas that don’t really matter to me anymore. I got lost in the mandatory curriculum, the data, the tracking of children, the testing, people who had never taught telling me how to teach and what to teach and where to teach and who to teach. I got lost in it all. Lost is an understatement. I was nowhere to be found. Buried deep under the sludge of a dying education system and thinking that I was still making a difference somewhere. Lost. And dying a slow death.
This year, my leave of absence has allowed me to spend the year working under my own system with my own children. We’ve had one crazy (and sometimes difficult) year, but there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that this was the best decision for us. By March 1st I had to inform the district that I was coming back, and I did . . . because I wasn’t sure. Currently I’m slated to get lost at the high school next year. One of two reading specialists in a school with 4000 kids. That’ll be productive . . .
But one thing I know for absolute sure. THAT is not my passion. My passions have changed - there is no doubt about that. Would I like to dance and sing in a Broadway musical? Maybe. But I have other passions now. They’re humans, and they’re twelve and seven-years-old. My first priority is them, their self esteem, their sense of pride, their rock-solid foundation in faith, their health, and their curiosity. And ironically, my passion for music is playing out to be very helpful because I can be with my babies during the day and teach piano at night - like the best of both worlds! Never did I think I would enjoy teaching piano as much as I do, but I get to use my background in teaching AND my background in music AND I get to develop cool relationships with my students and their parents and nobody is telling me that I’m doing it wrong!
So, yeah, I guess I found my passion for now. I love what I do every day and every evening, and although I didn’t receive any words of infinite or divine wisdom about my marriage, I felt like God spoke to me today and gave me more to consider when making that final decision about where I’m supposed to be next year. I’m working on trusting Him to provide, and He’s proven over and over and over again that He’s willing to do just that. My roster for summer has hit 40 students, which is 10 more than my goal of 30. I’m still able to teach my own children during the day and then share my love for music at night. And for that I am infinitely grateful. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me through Scott’s message today. You’re everywhere and in everything, and I thank you for providing for me.
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