For a reason or for a season

Last summer I reconnected with a former student of mine who is currently incarcerated. His name is Brandon. When we reconnected, it was good. He wrote me letters - a dozen pages often - about his life change and the things that he went through to become the man he is today. He faces three and a half more years of a prison sentence of almost twenty years, but the man who will walk out of that building will be nothing like the kid who walked in.

I bring this up because Brandon said something to me last summer that made me sad. He said, "Mrs. L - some people come in to your life for a reason, and some come into your life for a season." His acceptance that some people would mean a lot to you today, but their time in your life may be done tomorrow was an attitude I had never encountered or experienced before. Until now.

I'm not talking about the obvious. My husband and I will always be a part of each other's lives, even divorced. We have two humans who will be sure that we see each other quite often, and I feel as if our friendship will change and grow in a different direction. I'm referring to people who have come into my life since our separation - for one reason or another. People who I thought, once I developed strong relationships with them, would stick around because of our common thread - Jesus Christ.

Not so.

I've discovered that even Christians are brought into your life for a reason or for a season. Some stick around because God's plan was for that relationship to be a forever-friendship. Some abandon you after their work is done - to do their work elsewhere or because the outcome wasn't what they had expected. Those who disconnect aren't bad people - they are simply doing what they believe God has intended for them to do. And I am learning to accept that.

I really believed that a person who follows the Lord was one who showed equal amounts of love to every person and was accepting of all differences, but what I am finding is that not all of God's people see Him the way that I see Him or have a relationship with Him the same way I do. And that's okay. I believe that I'm being told to accept and honor that. Does it mean that we continue our friendship in the same fashion? No. What it means is that I thank Him for bringing that person to me to help me grow - not just with presence, but with absence as well.

So during my prayers over the coming weeks, my request is for a new set of warriors to be delivered to me. I already have a good handful, but I need to reach out to them and grow with Him first - and then with them. I'm giddy to discover new people and continue to kindle the fires of my current relationships, and I am thankful to Him for sending me my seasonal friends as well.

Namaste.

Airing my dirty laundry (originally published June 22, 2016)

Ever wonder why some families just seem to have it all together and others seem to be just one big pile of a hot mess? Well, first off, some families are just really good at hiding that hot mess and lying about it – sometimes forever. They use money, power, dynamic behaviors, or other distractions to take our attention from the disaster and put it on their “successes”. Others, however, just hang it all out there because, frankly, the catastrophic incidences are either too big or too many to conceal. Know anybody like this? Are you part of a family like this?

I am. And I love them dearly. But honestly, we are all a hot mess. See? I’m just hanging it all out there. Why not? Don’t be mad, Mom.

Why am I bringing this up? Because this morning while in the midst of yet another study session with my Boundaries book, workbook, and my Bible, I discovered something I needed to share with my extended family. So pass this note on, friends, because it’s big and needs attention! Today’s revelation is on destructive behaviors.

Before December I had no clue what boundaries were in relationships. About the closest I’d ever come to boundaries was when I was a kid and my mom told me that I couldn’t go past the driveway of our neighbor’s house on either side while riding my bike. Boundaries. A way of keeping us close and yet giving us a little freedom, right? 

So as I begun the work on myself in December to demolish my learned behaviors and rebuild with strong emotional and communication boundaries, an entirely new world was revealed to me that I so desperately want to share with all of my unhappy friends (and trust me when I say that more of my friends are discouraged and unhappy than are not). Honestly, this has been tough – mainly because one cannot make changes in one’s life if one believes there’s nothing that needs changing. Truth. 

However.

YOU know if there’s a hot mess happening in your life. YOU know if something is wrong – even if you don’t want to publicly air that dirt – you know. Why?

Because you see the destructive behaviors. They come in the forms of addictions, abuse, or self-harm. They make you sad. They might surface in a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or even you. Just an FYI – these behaviors are NOT normal. They are major red flags that indicate that something is amiss and needed to change yesterday. 

And guess what? You don’t have to display it to the world like me. You can work through it quietly and make changes. 

Let me be very clear, however. You can change YOUR behavior. You cannot change the behavior of another person. You have the freedom to choose what to do, how to feel, and what to think. God gives us all free will, which means that no matter what you do, you cannot change the behavior, feelings, or attitudes of another person. To try to do so would just pour gasoline on those already-nearly-unmanageable flames. And so you make changes in your behavior that may or may not affect others, but ultimately they will make you happier and stronger. Disclaimer – this is probably gonna hurt. A lot.

Addictions run in my family. Not one type – all forms. We have addictive personalities and a plethora of psychological disorders. I, myself, have been diagnosed several times with situational depression and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I struggle with both human and food addictions. Over the last ten months I’ve contemplated suicide twice. I’m a hot mess.

But I looked so good just a year ago, didn’t I?

I’m a gifted deceiver. A clown. Putting on a mask with a smile even though I suffered on the inside. It’s no coincidence that I started my collection of clowns when I was twelve. After collecting upwards of 180 of them, you’d think somebody would have realized the symbolism here.

And the misery came from the collective boundary issues that we have passed down from generation to generation. My parents raised me to their very best ability –doing exactly what they could do with what they had been given, and I LOVE and respect them more today than I EVER have. They learned their boundaries (or lack thereof) from their parents and their parents from theirs and so on . . . 

This is not about passing down addictive personalities or psychological disorders in our DNA, my friends. Although scientifically, I’m positive that somebody could prove to me that we do, indeed, pass this stuff on, I’d like to say that the buck stops here.

I refuse to pass this garbage on to my babies. If you have an immune system that is weak, do you not do everything you can to AVOID illness by eating better, exercising, and taking supplements? If I am susceptible to depression, food disorders, or drug abuse, why would I not do anything in my power to avoid behaviors that would spur those things? Why would I not be proactive about creating a different environment so that my children weren’t exposed to the mess? If I know and do nothing, isn’t that abusive in and of itself?

I vow that from now on, I will teach my children what I’ve learned about myself and what God has done for me to help me to not completely destroy myself. They will learn healthy communication and have it modeled to them over and over again. I promise to teach them how to recognize when others are laying down boundaries and how to be strong and set their own boundaries. I make this pledge to be here while my children wallow through life, making mistakes, and to guide them using my experiences and the Word of God. The cycle must stop somewhere in order for healing to take place. It stops here. 

Imperfectly Beautiful (originally published June 14, 2016)

For days I have been beating myself into a spiritual pulp for my failure to meet God’s perfection. I have boundary problems. Big ones. My biggest one is my human obsession. I fixate on people - strive to please them and make them happy, and eventually I drive them away. It’s a horrible pattern that I’ve pretty much reenacted dozens of times throughout my life. It wasn’t until recently that I’d come to terms with what the problem was and begun working on it.

From my most recent rekindling of my walk with God, I’ve shifted that human obsession to something that is . . . not human. My obsession has been Him and his Word, prayer, and living a life of a woman of God.

One problem here . . .

Part of my human obsession is that I try to maintain perfection in the eyes of whomever I am trying to please. Yes, friends, I have been trying to be perfect in the eyes of God. And failing miserably.

So then began the self-loathing. And it got worse and worse until yesterday it all kind of came to a head, and I spent a majority of the day wandering around in prayer asking Him What next? I cannot shake this obsession, and it’s excruciatingly painful.

It wasn’t until later in the day, during one of my tearful discussions with a close friend that my attention was brought to the fact that God expects imperfection. He knows we will never achieve perfection, and he loves us anyway and forgives us for our shortcomings. Can I really expect to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord? The answer to that is a big fat NO.

My mother was able to recount scriptures where men and women of God fell short and sinned time after time after time and yet they were loved by God. In the book Boundaries, the authors discuss humans as beings who naturally push boundaries, cross lines, and sin. Is it our job to try to walk the straight and narrow? Yes. Absolutely. But the point is, I need to give myself some grace - like God gives me.

He forgives. He accepts my imperfections and calls me beautiful. Who am I to question his acceptance of these flaws? Let the healing begin.

#divinedisruption (originally published May 15, 2016)

You know those weeks when Monday looms, and you feel like you will never catch up? The weeks where Satan whispers lies in your ear all week long until you feel limp and depleted? When Sunday hits, you know you need to go to church, but it’s all you can do to even put on clothes, let alone put a smile on your face, pick up your Bible, and drive there?

That’s what my week has been like this week. I’ve had mad challenges, PMS, family in from out of town, my grandmother’s memorial service, a memorial luncheon for forty plus people to help with, four hours of sleep last night, and then today I’m looking at my spring piano recital where I’m likely to host eighty or more people at church with a reception afterward – and where my husband was always dependable to help out, today is my first big event without that support. Somebody posted a meme today on Facebook that described me perfectly: “I suppose there are two types of tired: one is a dire need of sleep, and the other is a dire need of peace.” Yeah, that would be me – tired squared.

So after finding this on Facebook as well (you can see where I get most of my news and inspiration when I’m feeling like a deflated balloon): And God said, "I know you are feeling worn out...but I AM using you because I know I can depend on you to carry my will out. Hold on...help is on the way." I made a plea myself that went something like this: God, give me strength today. If there was ever a day I thought you've misjudged me, it's today... seriously in need of prayer warriors today.

We have all heard the saying God will never give you more than you can handle right? Well, that was the inspiration for my plea. Lord, you’ve misjudged me. I’m wrung out. Dead weight today. I got nothin’. I don’t care how many Diet Dr. Peppers I drink – there’s nothing left of me.

I cried on the way back from the airport to drop off my cousin at six a.m. I cried all through worship service at church. And wouldn’t you know it? Mark Miller, bless that man, made me cry today during his message at church as well. No, not cry. Weep. I almost fell out of my chair when he said today, “We’ve all heard the saying God will never give you more than you can handle right?”

I’m pretty sure that the entire right side of the sanctuary heard me suck in my breath. Has he been on my Facebook page? I thought. But God was wrong. He has misjudged me. I can’t do this anymore. I’m out. For real, God. I’m out.

Mark continued, “Well, I’m here to tell you that just isn’t true.”

Wait, what?

By this time I was already sitting straight – huge tears making their familiar trails down my cheeks once again. It was clear that God had a message for me today. So Mark continued and said that if God only gave us stuff we could handle, how would we grow? He has to push us past our comfort zone into our breaking point because if he didn’t we would stagnate. Mark calls it #divinedisruption – an experience that “challenges our assumptions” and “tears down barriers that have once blocked us from God’s great love”. It is a challenge that we just couldn’t foresee. Once we stretch to handle it, we grow and become stronger. Better. And people follow us and become stronger and better. Mark said that the first steps in making big changes are the scariest, and in some instances, those are the steps that some never take. You cannot grow without taking that first step.

And all of a sudden that once positive message God never gives you more than you can handle became a message of stalling – stagnation, and I no longer wanted to consider it an option. Not that I’m begging for God to heap a large helping of #divinedisruption on my head, but if that’s what I need to become a better me, than I open my hands in a gesture of receiving instead of wrapping them around what was and hanging on with white knuckles. I cast Satan off my shoulder in the name of Christ and face Monday with positivity and anticipation that life is about to get good. Change is a comin’. I’m gearing up for my big steps. From Him I derive my strength to move forward. Bring it, Lord.

Coming Home (originally published May 11, 2016)

Over the last few months I’ve heard people say to me or to other people - Heather, you’ve changed since your separation last September. Some who were closest to me say they don’t even now me anymore (including my husband). Trust me when I say I’m still trying to get reacquainted with myself. So I thought I’d give you all a glimpse of what is happening inside me so that you can decide just how much I’ve changed or just how much I’ve returned home . . .

On Mother’s Day, Amanda Hodge spoke at church. I was amused by this because I thought Mother’s Day was supposed to be a day where the moms were pampered and NOT WORKING, but our pastor had taken the day off and let his wife speak instead. :) Still, I was intrigued at the prospect of hearing from this woman who plays a background role in our community, and I was not at all disappointed. The thing is, although Amanda’s message spoke one thing to the community, God spent the entire time speaking to me in a different way. It was like there were two messages going on in that place last Sunday. It was beautiful.

So Amanda began her message by reading a Gaelic folk tale about a selkie or seal woman. In Gaelic folklore, these creatures were said to live as seals but could shed their seal skins to come onto land an walk as humans. In the tale, a man tricks a seal woman by stealing her seal skin while she is on land and forces her to marry him. He tells her that after a length of time (the time varies dependent upon the version of the tale), if she doesn’t want to be on land anymore, she can have her skin back and return to the sea. She relents and marries him. Now, depending on the version of the story, they have at least one child. Some renditions say they have a boy and a girl, but in Sunday’s case, the couple birth a boy.

As time progressed, the selkie woman’s skin begins to dry and patch, and her eyes dull, her hair thins. She is clearly sickly, and she longs for her home in the sea, but her husband refuses to return her seal skin - even after the allotted time. Eventually her son finds it and returns it to her. She immediately puts it on, breathes magic into him and takes him to her family in the sea. Her health returns, and she becomes strong. After some time, she returns her son to land with a promise that they would be together often. She never sees her husband again, but she remains faithful to her son and is happy. Of course, all I could do is feel sad for the child, who now has to live part time without his mother - you see where I’m going with this, right?

As I listened to this tale, God spoke to me loud and clear about the parallels in my life. Although at no point was there ever any malicious tricking, I had shed my seal skin when I met my husband twenty-three years ago. I was outside of my element - had ventured away from my home, so to speak. The first eighteen years of my life had been centered around my walk with Christ - regardless of how skewed that walk was or how shallow - God was an integral part of my life. Period. When I was eighteen, I walked away and never looked back.

As years passed, my spiritual skin started to crack and flake, my spiritual eyes dulled, and my health was diminishing spiritually - all of which were having a major impact on my entire life. I was wandering. Try as I might, I couldn’t make any other type of spirituality work for me. I craved the intimacy that God provided and needed it back so desperately. Thankfully this was His plan.

In December my seal skin was returned, and after a month or so of poking it and trying to decide whether to put it on, I jumped headfirst into the sea of His love and protection. And the transformation began. I am new, but not new. I have had to shed dozens of old ways, habits, and behaviors - many of which were just so unhealthy, but I have also gained new ways, habits, and behaviors that have caused a new joy, peace, and prosperity. My values have changed. I am a new me - better than ever - one who is learning contentment in what is rather than what I feel should be or what may be. I can see clearer out of these renewed eyes. I can love harder and longer and healthier with my revitalized heart. I am happy, and I never want to return to land.

But I see this in my husband also. At first I thought, Oh my God! I broke him! But after contemplation and reflection, I’m wondering if his seal skin has been returned to him as well. He, also, seems like he’s finally gone home, but his home is in another world - one that can’t connect with mine. That makes me sad, but seeing him happy makes me happy.

Maybe we were two people who’d lost our seal skins, and we clung to each other, hoping to find some peace without them. Maybe we bent to what society said was best and not what our true selves believed was best. But I see each of us listening to what our version of God is telling us - sadly they’re saying different things.

But we are both home now. And our job now is to be absolutely positively sure that our children can thrive in this split environment with minimal interruption to their lives. This will be tricky and painful, as we are already making adjustments, but in the end hopefully health will flood our lives, and we can move on in love.

The grass is always greener (originally published on April 21, 2016)

This is gonna make you uncomfortable. Just wanted to let you know that right now so that you can decide whether you even want to continue reading it. It’s going to be raw and open, and I’m not going to sweeten things because somebody might get hurt feelings or be offended. I’m just going to say it like it is.

We’ve all heard the fifteenth century proverb The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Designed to keep you from coveting what your neighbor has or a circumstance that looks better than one’s own, this proverb can be quoted in any setting. Including marriage. My marriage, for example.

Let me just say this - if you’re considering going outside your marriage, don’t. If you already are, stop. I’m not going to talk to you about sin and adultery and how God feels about infidelity. What I am going to say, however, is this.

Divorce sucks. It hurts more than anything that I’ve ever experienced before. I want it to be over and to never end all at the same time. I beg for somebody to put me out of my misery and wish that somebody would just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay - all in the same breath. Nothing in the future looks happy or sunny or hopeful. It’s bleak. And gray. And dead. And I just don’t want to make the wrong choices anymore. I hate watching the confused expressions on the faces of my children, and I hate not knowing what tomorrow will look like. If you can avoid it and stay healthy, don’t divorce. It’s messy. And it leaves a lot of scars.

If your marriage is failing, and you haven’t gotten help, pick up your phone and do a search for psychology providers who accept your insurance - and GO SEE ONE. Check your Employee Assistance Plan and get your five free sessions in. Or call your pastor right now and ask what resources are available through your church. Do something. Something other than seek out another relationship.

We can point our fingers and blame our spouses for the loss of intimacy, communication, and trust, but when it all boils down to it, we allowed it to happen. That’s not healthy, and if we are exhibiting unhealthy relationship behaviors, we need to examine ourselves with the help of a professional.

Let me just tell you that no matter where the grass is greener, you will kill it without making permanent changes in your life. You can and will easily fall into the same patterns that you did the first time around, and you will find yourself back in the same situation you were when you started.

My son and I have this saying when we make a mistake, and it goes simply like this: Yay! I made a mistake! And then we look for how we can learn from the mistake. But sometimes we can’t figure it out on our own and need to consult places where professionals have had to explain where we went wrong.

Let me be clear, infidelity is not an accident. It’s not a mistake. You don’t accidentally build a relationship with somebody. You choose to. But you can still own your bad choices and learn from them.

Healing and change must happen before a new relationship can be built. At least it does for me. See, I don’t have any grass left. I stopped watering and taking care of my own and started watering the grass on the other side. But when I looked back and saw what I had done to my yard, I went running back to try and water it, but it was too late. The grass had died.

But I love my yard. So I started to search for ways to change the way I was caring for it on the slim chance that there would be any way I could replant it. And that’s what I’ve been doing. And I will continue to do that until I am not able to any longer.

In essence, figure yourself out – even if your spouse refuses to reflect. YOU reflect. YOU seek counseling. YOU make changes. He/she is either going to appreciate them or not – but regardless, the changes you make today will affect your life on more than just the romantic plane, and you’ll be a more confident person than you ever were. Then confront your spouse and honestly tell him/her that things are really THAT bad. THEN if resistance continues – you have some tough choices to make. But those choices are yours and yours alone, and you can now at least say you tried and feel confident that you really did.

Under spiritual attack (originally published April 14, 2016)

Last night I had a discussion with a group of broken men and women about coming to God during a time of crisis the way I have. Just the night before, I had finished watching God’s Not Dead, and it all kind of fit together for me.

The idea of being a faithful and Godly person during a time of crisis just fits - you need somewhere to turn. Anywhere. And God is just always there. He’s comforting and real and peace-bringing. But it’s the times of prosperity and contentment that one has to consciously remind oneself to draw nearer still to Him.

There’s a point in the movie God’s Not Dead where an elderly woman suffering from dementia is visited by her highly successful son. He practically spits at her as he boasts of his accomplishments and how happy he has been without God while she has spent her life serving the Lord and here she sits - not even able to recognize her own son. In a moment of clarity, the woman says to her son, “Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want people turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day time runs out and the door slams shut and suddenly it's too late to get out.”

I thought about this quotation today as I was struggling with something that had happened later in my day. The weather had been picture perfect all day. My son and I had enjoyed lunch out in our yard. School work was done. We were all happy and content and proud of what had been accomplished (except that I hadn’t done a lick of housework all day). I slept in this morning and didn’t get my devotion/prayer session in, and I kept putting it off because of this, that, and the rest - but I said I’d do it tonight after the kids went to bed. God was on my mind, but definitely not like he could have or should have been.

Then I got set off by a crappy situation, and I immediately started praying.

And it hit me.

Sometimes the devil allows people to live a year, a month, a day, an hour, or even a few minutes free of trouble because he doesn’t want people turning to God. But once you turn and stay turned, he THROWS DOWN. Right now he whispers lies in my ears day and night. He lulls me with his promises of things that I know are wrong.

I. Am. Under. Attack. Every minute of every day of my life.

And what I need is a picc line directly to God so that I can live my life facing him. I’m not there yet, and tonight was a reminder that I have a long way to go. I had a few hours of contentment, and I got comfortable. I didn’t spend my time with my son in the yard with praises on my tongue for bringing us a gorgeous and sunny day. Did I appreciate it? Yes. But I didn’t say Thank You. And I need to start. If I had, I would have felt that much closer to Him when my day got thrown, and maybe it wouldn’t have taken me hours to get back on my feet and say, “I got this.”

BUT I’m a lot further than I was, and I will continue to face Him in times of war and in times of peace. He’s got this. I know He does. So I lay it down at His feet and let it go. And face Him. Every minute of every day of my life.

Follow your passions (originally published April 10, 2016)

I packed extra Kleenex today fully expecting to be moved by another one of Scott’s messages. Almost every week since January, his messages have spoken to me in a way that stabs at my core and allows me to dig up some more realizations about how my marriage failed and how I am being transformed. So this week, when he started his message out with “Follow Your Passions” I was like . . . Huh? No!

To me, “follow your passions” is kind of cliche. I wasn’t disappointed, per se, but I knew I wasn’t going to get as much out of it - and I certainly wasn’t going to squeeze any tears out about my passions - that was for darned sure. I’m kind of all wrung out with following my passions, honestly. Actually, I’m kind of wrung out. Period.

Ok, to be fair, I’ve known Scott since we were twelve, so I kind of have a good idea about how he behaved and looked when he was in middle and high school - and yes, he pushed the buck at times. So his introduction about feeling like he didn’t really fit in anywhere made me smile and nod. Of course he didn’t. The photos he showed his listeners were hilarious - painting this picture of how he tried to be what he was supposed to be in certain settings, but nothing was working. Nothing. Scott is not a chameleon.

Before long, however, I got that strange feeling that God was speaking to me again. I rewound to one week before during Scott’s message and the idea that relating to people through two simple words “me too” makes a world of difference in a relationships and BLAMMO. The tears came. Me too. Yep, Scott. Me too.

See, I started out my college career knowing that I would be a teacher by the end. I bounced from math (until I took Calculus 1), music (until I messed up my 1st year, 2nd semester and had to retake Theory 2), and finally to elementary education where I stayed because I couldn’t really think of anything I wanted to do more. I settled.

I’m smiling now because I’m thinking about what my passions were back then. Take a guess . . . . Musical theater. I wanted to sing and dance and act on stage, and I had since I was like seven or eight years old. But I spent my life not wanting to disappoint anybody, so I settled and played it safe. I sang and acted my way through high school (rather poorly), took a few years off, and started up again my third year of college. I don’t really think I grew into my vocal cords until I was probably about 23. I also remember wanting to be a mom and have eight children . . . lol!

Once I started teaching, I got lost. I got lost in the world of “making a difference” and educating America’s next generation. I got mixed up in the politics, became a leader and developer of curriculum in every school that was nuts enough to have me, and I was so confused for so long, that I spent $30,000+ and got two masters degrees in areas that don’t really matter to me anymore. I got lost in the mandatory curriculum, the data, the tracking of children, the testing, people who had never taught telling me how to teach and what to teach and where to teach and who to teach. I got lost in it all. Lost is an understatement. I was nowhere to be found. Buried deep under the sludge of a dying education system and thinking that I was still making a difference somewhere. Lost. And dying a slow death.

This year, my leave of absence has allowed me to spend the year working under my own system with my own children. We’ve had one crazy (and sometimes difficult) year, but there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that this was the best decision for us. By March 1st I had to inform the district that I was coming back, and I did . . . because I wasn’t sure. Currently I’m slated to get lost at the high school next year. One of two reading specialists in a school with 4000 kids. That’ll be productive . . .

But one thing I know for absolute sure. THAT is not my passion. My passions have changed - there is no doubt about that. Would I like to dance and sing in a Broadway musical? Maybe. But I have other passions now. They’re humans, and they’re twelve and seven-years-old. My first priority is them, their self esteem, their sense of pride, their rock-solid foundation in faith, their health, and their curiosity. And ironically, my passion for music is playing out to be very helpful because I can be with my babies during the day and teach piano at night - like the best of both worlds! Never did I think I would enjoy teaching piano as much as I do, but I get to use my background in teaching AND my background in music AND I get to develop cool relationships with my students and their parents and nobody is telling me that I’m doing it wrong!

So, yeah, I guess I found my passion for now. I love what I do every day and every evening, and although I didn’t receive any words of infinite or divine wisdom about my marriage, I felt like God spoke to me today and gave me more to consider when making that final decision about where I’m supposed to be next year. I’m working on trusting Him to provide, and He’s proven over and over and over again that He’s willing to do just that. My roster for summer has hit 40 students, which is 10 more than my goal of 30. I’m still able to teach my own children during the day and then share my love for music at night. And for that I am infinitely grateful. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me through Scott’s message today. You’re everywhere and in everything, and I thank you for providing for me.

Me Too (Originally published April 3, 2016)

This week I had a conversation with yet another woman who has committed herself to being there for me during my marital disaster. Even though we are states away, and she’s a single mom of three, she still manages to make time for me. I have to say, I could possibly be the luckiest unlucky woman in the world. Stuck in the middle of a mess of a life surrounded by women warriors who are ready to pray off my demons, carry me through, and encourage me to pick up my shattered pieces. God has provided for me.

During this conversation, my friend told me to look for the signs. I bristle when I hear that because I never was very good at looking for signs. I was horrible at interpreting literature and music in high school. Even dropped out of Brit Lit because it was just too much. Who cares why the author painted the walls in the study midnight blue or why the baby’s name was Sirus? I certainly didn’t care, nor did I want to dwell on the symbolism. If it wasn’t black and white and in my face, forget it. And signs for me are just as bad. I read all sorts of things into people’s body language and random things that happen - none of it is even close to being real. So when she told me to look for signs, I was like “um . . . okay.”

So this morning I was reading my Beyond Boundaries book again (I’m close to 75% of the way done with it already!), and I stumbled across a chapter on language and the way that people talk to each other. Initially I read this as a section on romantic love and language used in that way, but after reading it over a few times, I felt like this could be taken for any intimate relationship. Remember, I’m at a point in my life where romantic love and language isn’t even a part of my life - nor will it be for some time, and I’m working on building relationships with healthy people who can fill those voids for me so I don’t end up back where I started.

The book talked about intimacy and the difference between romantic language and vulnerable language, and as I read this section, it dawned on me that vulnerable language is what I crave and have craved for years. Phrases such as, “Tell me more about that,” and, “Did I hurt your feelings when I said that?” were things that neither one of us said to each other . . . maybe ever. But the ultimate was, “I’ve struggled as well,” because I feel like this is the key to relationships - relating to each other.

Ironically, Scott’s message at church was all about relationships - specifically the idea that the phrase, “Me too,” is so packed with care, love, compassion, and support. Those words flashed across the screen, and I could feel the familiar prickle of tears that I have all saved up for Sunday mornings. This is what I needed to hear today. I needed to hear him say that digging into each other requires a vulnerability that can produce that phrase that lets the other person know - “Hey, guess what? I sucked at that also. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I remember how badly that hurt.” I needed to hear him say over and over again that the church is in the business of producing miracles from destruction and doing it through relationships. I needed him to remind me why I have that phoenix tattooed onto the back of my neck - rebirth from the ashes.

But I can’t do this alone like a phoenix does. I need my support system - my women warriors - my neighbor who runs across the street to pray for me and my friend of eleven years who will pray over the phone with me in the bathroom and my new friend who sends me encouragement almost EVERY MORNING via text message. Those are the people I need. They’re the ones who say, “Me too.” And although none of them have committed my sins exactly, they have hurt in ways that I’m hurting and can relate in a dozen ways, and when they say, “Yeah, me too,” I know they mean it. They’re women of God, and they’ve been placed into my life to carry me through.

That was my sign. God knows that unless I see it twice, it probably won’t register as a message from him, and unless I can literally hear him speak to me (and I have a few times over the last few months) I will ignore it. But he spoke to me today. He told me that my story does matter. That not only am I to look for people who can relate to me and help me heal, but I’m to take my story and relate to others who are hurting as well. The simple phrase, “Me too,” is a powerful one and one that could save another woman from internal destruction.

What do you want in life? (Originally published March 20, 2016)

Recently I was asked to consider a that question during a one-on-one session with a woman committed to move me through my current marital separation. I was encouraged to pray about this question before I made the attempt to answer it and then answer it honestly, openly, and in the raw.

If you had asked me this question four or five years ago, I’m pretty sure that I’d have answered it differently - not because my wants have changed, but because I had been imprisoned without even knowing it. I felt caged - unable to express myself fully and resentful. Very, very resentful.

I just didn’t know why.

It’s easy for us to get into a pattern of talking about, worrying about, and expressing all the things that we DON’T want - in fact, as soon as she asked me to think about the question, I immediately went into “what I don’t want” mode. After really considering the question, praying a lot, and shifting my mode, below is a list of things that I know I want.

• Without a shadow of a doubt, I know I want to maintain a walk with God, and I want my family to have one also. Why it’s taken me twenty-three years to realize that my stray from this path wasn’t helping me is BEYOND me. Maybe it was the nice house, fancy car, career path, and Disney vacations - but now that I see past all of those things, I know they were just a band-aide for the satisfaction I was missing in my faith. Prayer, faith, and trust that “He’s got this” is keeping me moving forward in a better direction. I want this for my children, and ultimately for my entire family.
• I also want to be the one who guides my children in their walk through life. I spent the last eighteen years of my life guiding thousands of others’ children, and I am so done with that. I want to stay home with my own two - guiding them in their paths to knowledge, self-worth, and spirituality.
• Whatever happens to me, I want to love myself. Period.
• Being surrounded by healthy relationships and positive, uplifting people is my next wish for myself and for my family. After going through what I have gone through this year, I recognize how unhealthy my relationships have been. All of them - even with my children. I have shed layer after layer of relationship disasters since I have made my way back to Him, and I’m certain I have much more to shed. The work I need to do is extensive, but I’m not giving up until He has completed it in my life.
• The final thing I want for my life is to use my experience to help others. I can see my transparency having an affect on people, and I want to continue to bring people together using the knowledge I’ve gathered about relationships over the last seven months.

Amazing the path I have had to take in order to come to these conclusions, but honestly, even thought I regret the pain that I’ve caused my family (and most importantly, my husband), I never want to go back. Never. My faith is what is guiding me through this dark and frightening time, and it will carry me to the end and beyond. My new network of faithful and trustworthy supporters is who I want by my side in the end along with God and my family. But each and every relationship I now hold puts God first before anything, and that is what I want in life.

Past, Present, and Future (Originally published March 13, 2016)

I get a rush out of discovering messages that God has for me. Most recently, I’ve been listening to him talk to me about the past, present, and future and what I should take from each one of those.

My neighbor has been with me through this entire marital separation - from me being an angry mess back in September to me being a reflective woman developing a new relationship with God starting in December. She’s prayed for me every step of the way, and a few weeks ago she came to my door with a stack of books for me to read. I’m in the middle of the second one, entitled The Present, but I couldn’t wait to finish the book before I started reflecting on God’s message for me because of a similar message I received this morning at church.

Ben Thomas spoke today at the Orchard, and although he’s a good and talented man, I’m always slightly disappointed when somebody other than Scott gets up on that stage and starts speaking. Today was no different. But thank God today for Ben.

Before I talk about what Ben said, let me give you a little background on the book The Present. The book talks about a young man looking for “a present” that is not an actual physical gift but the gift of living in the moment. It takes this young man years and years to discover it, but once he does, he’s disappointed to find that although living in the moment is a gift in and of itself, one cannot live solely in the present and live a fulfilling life. One must also take a look at past experiences and learn from them, and then one must also look into the future and plan for what he wants. While reading this short book, I was reminded of the importance of appreciating the present, but I was also validated in my efforts of learning from mistakes and planning for the future without those mistakes. The ending of the book is likely to allow me more time to process this information as well as allow me to apply the information to my current difficult situation.

So this morning, Ben presented Psalm 126 to his listeners. The entire Psalm is 6 verses but packed with invisible messages that, at first glance, I didn’t get. The verses begin with the idea of remembering something that happened in the past. After a few verses, the idea moves into present moment, and by the end, the reader is assured that present moment suffering and tears shed allows for future rewards. Ben explained that if we can take this and apply it to what God has done and is doing for us, it would make more sense. He had us remember what God has done for us in the past, think about something currently that is not working in our lives, and then envision how we would like things to look in the future.

Hearing this same message twice in one week reinforced what I’ve been hearing from God over and over and over again, and that is to trust that he is handling things for me. He never tells me what he is handling or how he is working. Just that he is handling things, and he guides me to certain behaviors here and there to help me with decisions that will impact me in the future.

God has been using my past decisions to help me make choices about things happening right now, but I forgot how important it is to really appreciate everything and look for the good in what is happening at this present moment - even if tragedy seems to be surrounding me. There are good things that are happening. He has healed some things that have been broken in me for years so that I can accept what others choose with grace and then continue healing. But one thing that God has told me is to stay steadfast on my path because without this path, no matter how things end, I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least give everything and try everything that I could to salvage my marriage.

So I am. And I will. And I know that the tears that I shed today will reap a harvest like no other in my future, and my past mistakes will help me to plan for an amazing and prosperous life ahead. I trust him. I trust his plan.

Communicate and Emote (Originally published January 7, 2016)

If there are two pieces of advice that I would give any newly married couple, it would be to communicate and to emote. Any advice I’d give a couple who is starting to disconnect? Communicate and emote. Honestly, I don’t know which one is more powerful. I know the absence of both destroyed my marriage, and I’d do anything. Anything (except my two beautiful children). To go back in time and fix that.

I now know that I’ve held back communicating negative emotions to just about everybody. Don’t get me wrong, I can bitch with the best of them to you, but if I have a beef with you, I clam up and find a safe place to release . . . . or I don’t and I let it well up inside until I unleash a serious, destructive 41-year-old tantrum. Which is exactly what I’ve done.

If you choose not to emote, you actually harm your relationship with the person who should be receiving the emotion. And you chisel away at it until it breaks or crumbles. Don’t do that. Expressing emotions to the right person and communicating your needs is IMPERATIVE in order to have a solid relationship with that person.

That is all.

Things I've Learned (originally posted December 20, 2015)

Tonight I’m sitting in the dark in my bedroom at the Mothership. I’ve been living here for about eight weeks while my little family restructures. It’s been tough. Not gonna lie. But tonight I’m smiling as I’m reflecting on things that I’ve learned through all of this. Journaling about it doesn’t cut it for me - I need people to see it and for it to be out there, so my 350 “friends” will now have access to my vast wisdom brought on by earth-shattering life choices. Here goes . . .

• My mom can still see with the eyes in the back of her head.
• My parents are growing older, and I need to be here more for them - not just physically but emotionally as well.
• My niece is getting bigger, and she needs her auntie around a lot.
• No matter how small the room, the kids and I can pile in and sleep peacefully for at least six hour stretches.
• Sleeping bags rule. They also make good comforters and pillows if you’re running low.
• I’ve neglected a lot of things/people throughout the course of my adult life, and it’s high time that I pay attention.
• Shattered relationships with siblings can be mended.
• Stuff that at once was very out of routine can eventually become routine.
• Doubling a crocpot recipe is perfect for two families.
• Every little bit helps.
• Being alone is sometimes necessary.
• My son loves spending time with family.
• Bubble baths are absolutely necessary.
• Friends are just as important as family.
• Some people can truly be objective . . . and some people couldn’t be objective if their lives depended on it.
• How to jump my car when the battery died.
• How to patch holes in concrete steps.
• How to change a storm window in the front door.
• Major life changes can leave you breathless and panicky.
• Therapy is an absolute necessity for anybody.
• Lavender. 24/7

1. Look around you. I guarantee you that over half of the married women you see are feeling unloved, unappreciated, or hurt. More than half of the marriages - even the ones that look right - are falling apart . . . some without either partner even realizing it.
2. That last one up there is one I want you to really pay attention to. I say this because divorce is tragic. It’s painful and will likely scar everyone involved, and yet staying in a painful relationship can cause scars just as deep or deeper. If you can recognize this in your own marriage, be brave enough to set aside your own ego and get help before it ends up in a disaster that cannot be resolved. If you know somebody who is struggling in their marriage, reach out. It’s so difficult for me to reach out to people and ask for help. When people extend their hand to me, I grab hold and cry. I need that support, and so do others around us.
3. The holidays are hard for broken families. Look around and take care of your friends who aren’t strong enough to reach out. Invite them to your gatherings. Call them to wish them a good holiday. Send them Christmas cards even if you don’t know what to say to them. Buy them gifts. Love on those who are hurting this season. It may the only thing keeping them going.