The search for heaven . . .

I was in hell.

I have found heaven.

Heaven.

Where exactly is that place?

Several days ago I was reading in my devotional book Jesus Calling about heaven. At one point, Sarah Young, the author, writes:

"Your longing for heaven is good because it is an extension of your yearning for Me. The hope of heaven is meant to strengthen and encourage you, filling you with wondrous joy."

Not five minutes after reading that passage, my eight-year-old son came stumbling into the room, rubbing his eyes, and croaking a cute "Good morning, Mama" to me.  Our morning routine, be it when he gets up or when his daddy drops him off in the morning on his way to work, is for my "little" monkey to come into my room, grab a snuggly blanket, and climb into my lap so we can pray together and snuggle afterward. Once he tires of snuggling, he then starts saying the typical eight-year-old boy things like poop and fart and can I please please please watch a YouTube video about how to turn copper pennies into pure gold, but for a few minutes anyway - I'm in heaven.

It was at this moment a few days ago - after heaven faded and the bathroom words began - when I felt a stab of guilt as I realized that I really didn't want to go to heaven. That I kind of like my new life - the new me. For the first time IN my life I actually love ME, and I intend to do this for many more years. I'm sure heaven is completely awesome, but my snuggle time in the morning feels very close to what I believe heaven could be. And that's when I started to wonder . . .

Can we create heaven for ourselves right here on earth before our spirit and body separate? Did God say you HAVE to die before you can go to heaven? Maybe this death could be metaphoric - more like the death of the old self and birth of a brand new. So what did I do? I went online and researched what others believed. This is where things got really complicated...

Being a well-educated woman and a logical, most things that are brought to me need to be brought to me with a "how this works" label, clear directions, and black and white lines. I need proof of pretty much everything - including whether my children actually did brush their teeth this morning. Digging into other people's beliefs in heaven was a HUGE mistake.

Nothing was backed by providential evidence, in my opinion, but there's where my faith lags. The absolute need for solid, tangible proof. And yet, my faith in The Almighty is solid. Let me explain that part of my faith comes from the fact that I have experienced, first hand, the glory of God. I have wept in his presence, cold and alone, and felt the comfort that could only come from the Holy Spirit. Because of this, I will never veer from the path of the Lord again. No human could even come close to the compassion, forgiveness, love, and comfort that I have been gifted by the Divine. That evidence is tangible, in my opinion. He knew it is what I needed to come back to Him, and so he allowed me to wallow in my misery until I turned to him and felt that peace wash over me. Then, and only then, could I logically understand that God truly does exist AND that he loves me unconditionally - another strange phenomenon of which I was unfamiliar. Unconditional love.

Ironically last week I received my daily devotion email from the Center for Action and Contemplation - a Richard Rohr meditation. What was the subject? Heaven, of course. Rohr believes that heaven begins here on earth with our own connection to Christ. That we create our own capacity to give and receive love through our own God-given free will, and that that capacity is the doorway to heaven here on earth. That death is a mere extension of what we have created through the love of Christ here on earth.

In a conversation I had yesterday with my own sister-in-Christ and long-term friend, she listened to me talk about my thoughts on heaven, and she, too, expressed the need to believe that there was something more after death - that we can, indeed, begin to create heaven here for ourselves here, but that after death, that continues.

Rohr agrees with her. His view is that we will continue to live and grow, even after death. That our souls, if we permit, will grow infinitely closer to God, even after death. But it must start here on earth.

I'd been considering a second blog about prayer until this morning when I realized that my blog topics actually parallel. Debbie Macomber, fiction writer, wrote a book called Angels at the Table. In this book, the angels Surely, Goodness, Mercy, and Will were sent down to earth by Gabriel as prayer ambassadors to work on answering a prayer that had gone unanswered for about ten months. As they were working on divine guidance, Will, the apprentice angel, saw an unrelated incident that he wanted to fix because he saw another human suffering. His mentor angels stopped him. In confusion Will asked why he couldn't help the woman in distress.

Their response is that, as prayer ambassadors, they were only allowed to guide in answering prayers. This woman had clearly not asked for intervention. Will contemplated for a moment before asking his next question. "What if she asks too late?"

The angels' answer made so much sense to me. God delights in answering prayers of necessity. He wants us to ask - "Ask and you shall receive." I think it's kind of his way of making us responsible for ourselves and creating humans who don't just expect provision. But those who stay close to Him and ask for daily guidance will likely be veered off in a direction that remains close to Him. We realize early enough that we need to begin asking for guidance for things that may turn into potential disasters, and he can guide us in how to begin dealing with them. If things become too intense, He picks us up and holds us. Those who choose human-will on a daily basis may walk a path that gets further and further from Him. A last minute effort to save a situation with a prayer may be too late for Him to guide anyone through a tough situation. God creates miracles, but his first promise is to teach us and allow us free will. And, like a good parent, he allows us to suffer consequences so that we can learn.

Once the learning process begins, we begin to create our own heaven right here on earth. I created hell for myself and wallowed in that torment for years. Currently I believe I am in my own heaven, and I believe that it's okay to feel this way. My minute-by-minute "check in" with Jesus helps me to stay clearly attached and know that I will be provided with the guidance I need to complete tasks that I would have considered uncomfortable, awkward, painful, and just downright icky - all while maintaining my close walk with Him.

The day of my divorce I anticipated to be one of the most difficult days of my life. Did I cry? Yeah. The night before I slept horribly, but every time I woke up I prayed that God would hold me again, and He did. That morning I prayed nonstop throughout the entire proceeding. I prayed for wisdom to speak to the judge - and even though lies were spoken and my ex-husband's lawyer was mean, I maintained composure. I cried before it. I cried after it. And then I allowed the Holy Spirit to wash over me and allow me to feel Its presence. It took me a few days to shake myself off, but this had been a long time coming, and I feel better now. Believe it or not - I was still in heaven. My heaven. The one that I asked Jesus to create for me here on Earth. I grew. I learned. And healing has begun.

Namaste.

Who is God?

Something has been troubling me deeply about my walk with God, and I just need to get it out so I can process through. Currently I’m reading A Case for Faith, which is a great read if you haven’t read it. I haven’t finished it, and it’s taking me a long time to finish because I haven’t really made the time to sit down and read, but I’m asking Santa for a few more hours in the day and some time management advice, so maybe in January I’ll get that book finished up.

My faith is stronger than it has ever been. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a God and that Jesus died on the cross to save us all from an eternity in hell (whatever your definition of hell is). I can attest to the fact that once I confessed my brokenness and my need for the trinity to come hang with me, a peace has settled over me that I never thought I could ever be worthy of having. God is there. Real. I feel him every day.

But something has really been bugging me. I'm struggling with my logical side because logic tells me that there is no "man upstairs". That faith in God means that there is faith in a being that I can't even comprehend. That my definition of God today is not what my definition of who he was when I walked with him twenty-five years ago. Him . . . her  . . . ? 

I practiced mindfulness for ten years without totally comprehending what it meant to self-love. And nobody noticed. Of course I believed in God without a true comprehension of who God really was. Isn't that what faith is all about? Not for us logicals it's not. It's hard to have faith . . . and yet I watch my eight-year-old logical talk about evidence that does, indeed, prove over and over again that God, does in fact, exist. The faith of a child is a beautiful and wonderous thing. I wish I had it.

Who is God? It wasn't until recently, honestly, that I finally had a true understanding of how the Holy Spirit works. Why am I forty-two and just now understanding that my internal guide is the Holy Spirit speaking to me - that that Spirit lives inside of me  and speaks to me the way God does? I'm just now understanding that God sends his Holy Spirit to walk with me day and night and to take over my mind, my mouth, and my actions when I give my will over to it. 

I know who Jesus is. He is God's son, sent to earth to help God learn how being human can really suck sometimes and also to shed his blood and clean us up after we make a mess of our lives because we can't seem to give in to the Holy Spirit all the time. 

Well, this morning I was reading in Jesus Calling like I do every morning. Often, my devotion will remind me that I need to need God. That I cannot adult on my own - that I'm needy for the Lord to use his Holy Spirit to guide me. It's like God is the dispatcher, and the Holy Spirit is the policeman running to call after call in my head. But only if I call upon God first. Otherwise, he sits quietly.

This is circular, I know, but stay with me. God. Who is he? His spirit dwells within all of us, and yet he is all around us. The air we breathe, the sound of the birds, the breeze. He's here. Not sitting up in a throne in the sky. That's why we only have to whisper the name Yahweh and His spirit responds immediately with relief and eventually guidance.

I fell short of this today. How easily it can happen, honestly. I lost it on somebody I do not even know who was just trying to do her job at the cell phone company. I refused to stop and ask Got to dispatch. I can do this on my own, right? I ended up in tears after trying to reason with this woman who obviously wasn't budging on her stance, and I am still paying for a cell phone that I can't use. Nothing was accomplished except now I have a headache, my eyes are puffy, and I'm in a foul mood. 

But you know what? The Spirit told me to sit down and write. So that is what I am doing. I'm in tuned with His will now. I can feel it. It's no longer my will. It's His. His will for me is to step outside of my logical self and have faith that he truly exists. And tonight, faith is what I have. Namaste.

On leadership and boundaries

So there's a story in the book of Exodus about Moses. Moses was a pretty important guy, as we all probably know. He was given lots of responsibility by God to lead his people out of Egypt to a promised land, but he was so busy leading that he didn't have time to contemplate what good leaders should do.

I've had a lot of experience with different leaders - bosses per se. Some of these people gained my wholehearted respect, but most of them fell short of what I would expect a leader to be. Part of this, mind you, was my total lack of boundaries and backwards thinking on what my responsibilities are, but part of this was just a lack of knowledge of what it means to lead.

Leadership is not equivalent to micromanaging and/or taking responsibility for everything. In this respect, I even screwed up when I was working as a reading specialist. I felt like I had to have my hands in everything when it came to reading - partly because I was actually being evaluated on how well it went, but partly because I didn't trust anybody to do it the way I wanted it done. This is how a lot of leaders view things - in fact, this is the reason why many people go into leadership roles. They're unhappy with the way things are being run, and they think they can do a better job. OR they hate where they are so they look to supervise those roles, which makes NO sense, in my opinion. You don't like you're job because the leaders make you miserable so you're going to become a leader so you can make others miserable . . . ?

In Exodus, Jethro (Moses's father-in-law) noticed Moses growing weary because he was directing and helping so many of the Israelites. Jethro approached Moses with wisdom, telling Moses that he needed to choose leaders under him to be responsible for some of the lesser serious cases where direction was needed.  Moses would then be free to judge in only the most serious and severe cases, allowing him time to do other things or to rest when he needed it. Moses immediately organized and chose a hierarchy of men to provide this leadership. He trusted God to help him choose able men. And guess what... It worked!

 This can be applied to so many facets of my life. Yesterday a small group of my own little tribe and I started talking about ways to empower women. Sorry, men, you're important, but my calling has been to do things that will impact women in such a way that they no longer feel dependent on any one person. As I started talking to this small group, one woman who is an expert in the field of couponing said that her ultimate goal is to teach others how to use coupons to such an extent that others would notice and ask to learn. She wanted to spread the wealth, but she didn't necessarily want to be the one and only teacher. She wanted to teach us so that we could teach others and the skill would spread. This is her mission. Her ministry is to help others make the most of their money using coupons, and to do it for free. She didn't write a book or blog about it asking for a membership. She is trusting Jesus to provide her with time and money so that she would have time to help others.

I love this. It reminds me of the Alcoholics Anonymous program. These are leaders. Those who spread the word through others. Those who trust that the Lord will provide them with followers who will do their teaching justice.

I want to be this way. I want to trust in God so much that I can spend my time helping others but to teach others to help each other. This is my dream. To empower people to be good people. People that God would be proud to say This is my child. I'm absolutely positive that God was proud of Moses, but I'm sure that God didn't want Moses to work his fingers to the bone. And so he sent Jethro to speak to Moses about boundaries. Thankfully Moses had the sense to listen to his father-in-law. Because of this, his people grew stronger. Namaste.

On giving thanks

Job was a man whose situation makes me shudder. He lost everything except his own life and the choices he made on how to live it, and God rewarded him greatly for his faith. I'm not sure that, if put in the same position, I'd be quite as honorable. What was the key to his ability to live through the tragedy of losing his home, possessions, and family? How did he manage to live through and come out onto the other side?

Many Christians say faith is the key. Have faith that God will deliver you. And yet tragedy continues to throw good and faithful Christians to the wolves. Situations don't seem to change with prayer. Then how do some remain faithful? This is where non-believers can point a finger at believers and say, "Where is your God now? You're a good person and you prayed for this to happen. Why does he choose to answer some prayers and not others?" In these times of tragegy, some Christians just lose faith.

Well, actually there's an answer to this.

God answers every aligned prayer.

Every. One.

Notice the extra word - aligned. In other words, if your intentions are pure, and you've chosen to follow His path, you only need to ask Him how to proceed, and He will guide you to make the choices necessary to make it happen. Prayers that stem from despair, anxiety, anger, greed, suspicion, and any other emotion stemming from fear keep you from lining up with what He has in store for you, and those prayers cannot be answered. That's not the way God operates. As I read once in the book Breathing Underwater, God is all about providing for our needs but not necessarily our wants. And our needs are up to His discretion. Are we lined up with his will for our lives? If so - watch the prayers get answered!

So what does this have to do with giving thanks? One thing I have learned through my divorce is that God allows us free will and the ability to learn. He provides us with the tools to become closer to him, and it is our choice as to how we use those tools. Some people walk away from Him. Some pay little or no attention to the Divine and try to fix things or heal alone. Some draw nearer. Those of us who have drawn nearer start to understand that every situation - significant or not - is a situation from which we can learn. Each learning experience brings with it a new set of questions and "ah-ha" moments if we would just allow those moments to happen.

Staying present and watching each situation with curiosity and an expectation to learn means that we start to learn and change at a quicker pace. We begin to realize that God grants our needs before we even know we need them, and this is where gratitude comes.

I've heard dozens of moms say that they wish their kids were more grateful. More appreciative. As a grown-up, I, myself have preached the "be grateful for what you have" speech a multitude of times. But we are not simply talking about the "you should be grateful for that food on your plate because there are kids in other parts of the world who don't have food to eat" idea. We are talking about the ability to learn and grow. When adversity hits, this is the capacity to thank the Almighty for the message and the opportunity to change, discover, and become new.

This is a difficult concept to teach our youngsters but not an impossible one. It's a matter of pointing out learning opportunities when adversity stands in our paths and the paths of our kiddos. Of saying thankful prayers out loud in front of them and then pointing out how we grew at the end.

That being said, I am truly grateful for the situations that I have found myself in over the last forty-two years. Although I spent a majority of my life ignoring Jesus and his soothing forgiveness, once I found my way back, the lessons I should have learned during some very difficult times of my life started to flood over me and the metamorphosis has been overwhelming! Events over the last year have come together and worked together in a seamless pattern of healing and change. And the new me is emerging.

I cannot express how truly joyful I am when I think of all that I've learned about myself and the woman I'm becoming. Is this what kept Job so close to God? I cannot imagine what else could have held him steadfast on his journey, regardless of what he lost. So this year, my Thanksgiving stems from gratitude for forgiveness and unconditional love, for friends who stand by me in my ugliest times, and those who check on me while I'm becoming aware of myself and expanding. I am truly the luckiest woman alive.

Namaste.

The message in 1 Corinthians 13

1 Corinthians 13. The love chapter of the Bible. It's what popped up on my devotional book today. Verse 12, to be exact. Interestingly, just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about the mistake of taking single verses out of context and trying to make them work in your life - of using the Bible to justify your actions, choices, or thoughts. So today I was like Let me just read this whole chapter.

I'm so glad that I did...

As a master manipulator, motivation behind behavior has always been a key factor in how I chose to act. Even the way I said or wrote things was a way to get what I wanted. It's so embarrassing to admit this, but what good would it do to keep it a secret? I'm glad I tell people upfront now. I want them to know who I was and who I am now. I'm monitoring myself minute by minute now because I choose a new route. No way I could do this on my own, which is why I've chosen Christ's path instead of the main road I didn't even realize I had been taking for forty-two years. 

But how? you ask. Oh trust me when I say this has been a lengthy and painful discovery and an even more lengthy and energy-expending labor to monitor. We are talking minute-by-minute monitoring, my friends. The way it must be done is by checking my motivation in everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

Me picking out clothes:
Me: I think I'm going to wear these yoga pants today with this tee shirt.
Holy Spirit: Why?
Me: Really? They're yoga pants, for Pete's sake.
Holy Spirit: Why?
Me: Ugh. Fine. Because they're comfortable and I only have three pair of pants that fit.

Holy Spirit: That checks out. Carry on.  

What does this have to do with 1 Corinthians 13? As I read this morning, my mouth dropped open as I read the very first verse.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become as a sounding brass or a clanging symbol. 

 Now many interpret this verse as a report on the importance of love. Love is so important. Without it most things just sound like things, but with love there is meaning and beauty in everything. But after reading the chapter and relating it to my life, I feel like the Holy Spirit has charged me to evaluate everything I say and do and measure it on a love meter. Many who have done any life reevaluation know that there are two widely accepted emotions from which all other emotions stem: fear and love. God's wish for us is to approach everything with his eyes. Peer through his lenses of love. Then and only then should you choose your next action, word, or thought.

So often we react to somebody or something without even considering why or where our motivation stems. We just react. Much of what we do is instinctive. I can recall times during my teaching career that I couldn't remember half the day at the end of the day because I had been on autopilot. I was out, and yet the lives of hundreds of teenagers rested in my hands daily. Notice how I said considering where OUR motivation stems. There is nothing you can do about the motivation of anyone else, and so focusing our attention on another's motivation is a waste of energy.

I've been given gifts, including the gift of guidance. I revel in the fact that my piano teaching ability goes way beyond my ability to actually play the piano. And so I teach. But daily I'm being tapped on the shoulder, and there's the Holy Spirit standing there with an eyebrow raised asking me that same irritating question - Why? Why do I teach? Do I teach out of fear that I won't make enough money to support myself and my babies? Or do I teach because I love my job, my students, music, and my babies enough to sit at that piano five plus hours a day and teach? And if it is solely fear-driven, how can I change my choice so that it begins to focus on the love aspect of it and not whether the next student remembers to bring me a check?

It makes a HUGE difference, friends.You can do the same thing for a hundred different reasons, and the results will not be the same. The energy you put into anything will inevitably cause the energy behind the action to produce results that - wait for it - have the same energy! True story! "Garbage in, garbage out", as they say. Love in, love out.

So how can you really make this work? Can one really approach scrubbing toilets or inputting data at work with love? Sure we can! It's more difficult to do that than it is to approach snuggling with a child on a couch or going on a date, but it is possible. The trick is to remember WHY we do these things and to search for Christ in everything. View things from his lenses. Pray constantly that He will provide you with the ability to see him in even the monotonous or terrible tasks. Honestly, the Lord has allowed me to see lessons in things that I've done this year that I had never even CONSIDERED. See things through curious eyes if you can't find the love. What comes next? How will God use this to teach me to grow?

When you think about each and every task as a growth experience or a learning experience, something starts to shift, and before you know it - even those tasks seem filled with a little more love. Namaste.

Values vs. Goals

When I first started counseling in October of 2015, I was a hot, angry mess. I'm not an angry, hot mess anymore, but I am still in counseling - still working on me because I know there's work to be done. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'll ever stop going.

This week Krysten and I started processing core values. She said something this week that kind of made me stop and really think. I think I must have been using the words goals and values interchangeably because she addressed that exact topic with a flat-out definition of each that made me pause and think.

She basically said that our goals are what we strive for - like there's an end point to most of them. Our values are what we hold dearest - they are what drives our goals sometimes, but often in our crazy, fast-paced society, our goals overshadow our values and sometimes even contradict them. We will sometimes allow society to dictate what our goals should be and sometimes our values bend to accommodate those goals. A clear boundary violation.

And that is where unhappiness sets in. When you don't live up to your own core values, you are not aligned with yourself, with God, with the Universe. You're out of line.

And  . . .

You are unhappy. Unable to express the unhappiness because you created this grand life for yourself and EVERYBODY thinks you have a fantastic life. On the outside you have a wonderful husband and marriage, two fantastic children, a fancy car, home, a dog, hobbies, a successful career where you are building prestige and respect in the field you've chosen, and Disney vacations every year. You've got it made.

You also have two upside-down mortgages, $60,000 in student loans, $30,000 in credit card debt and $30,000 in other loans taken off retirement funds. You have stuff. Lots of stuff. You have stress. Medical bills. You have hidden addictions and unhealthy behaviors because nobody can handle it, and nobody can address it. You have anger and resentment. You have control issues. You  have miscommunication. You have non-communication. You have a hot mess.

You have divorce.

I'm not even sure what I wanted out of life. I thought I did, but I never, ever stopped to evaluate where my drive came from or what I truly valued at my core.

And now its time for me to get in touch with those core values because I refuse to have my life fall apart like this again. Even during the divorce process I stop to evaluate WHY I do what I do. Recently there was a disagreement to which I had to really ask myself WHY I wanted to stand my ground on an issue. What was my true motivation behind what I was asking? Through prayer and processing of this blog, I'm still asking God for wisdom in how to handle the situation. I refuse to fall back into the trap of allowing my ego to drive my decisions. If my reasons for doing ANYTHING are based on anything but love, I know I'm out of line and need to figure out a different course of action.

As I've read multiple times, there are two basic emotions: love and fear. My entire life has been run on fear-based decisions. No more. I choose love. And I choose love for not just me - but for my children and for my future as well.

Namaste.

Parenting according to your core values (originally published November 7, 2015)

In a recent discussion with a professional in the psychology field, I was challenged to dig into and explore my core values to make some life-altering decisions. I think when we plow through life, we make decisions based upon our past experiences and our present situations and rarely get an opportunity to weigh what we should do based upon our core values.

I was surprised to discover that I struggled with the idea of core values itself and had to actually do a google search to wrap my head around what they really were. In essence, our core values are what we believe to be of the utmost importance and the foundation of how we live our lives. Examples given ranged anywhere from religion to work ethic to relationships.

So this got me thinking about parenting and educating – to me these are one in the same. So often we get wrapped up in rearing children so much that we lose focus of what our values are and develop the sheep syndrome of following what society thinks we should be doing. Just log into any number of social media sites, and you are inundated with memes, statuses, and articles that run the gamut of parenting and educational philosophies – some of which are considered “too eccentric” or “unorthodox”. On the opposite side of the spectrum, messages about how life was so much better “back in the day” also pepper my news feed. It’s downright confusing, even for a woman of forty-one!

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve caught myself repeating things that were said to me thirty or thirty-five years ago by my own parents. But are these messages that I send to my children my own messages? Or are they messages sent by years of history or societal values? Even after being a parent for over twelve years, I’d never considered this.

I stopped and wrote that night after really considering what I want for myself and, more importantly, my children. During my writing session, I came up with a list of seven qualities and characteristics that I felt truly epitomize how I currently live and how I want my children to live: motherhood and the ability to nurture, love and friendship, confidence, mindfulness, perseverance, curiosity, and independence. After prioritizing the list, I also wrote a little bit about why I chose each one, and I reflected on how I am currently raising my children. Am I using these values to drive my parenting? Are these values something I am able to reflect in my interactions with my children and the people around me?

Yes, actually. I can’t say that they have been, but now that I’ve pinpointed what I believe to be my fundamental driving force, I think I can move forward with a more focused approach to how I plan to guide my two children. Without a doubt, I will be making some small changes in my approaches to their education and life learning along with my overall interactions with them.

But most importantly, without a doubt, I can now move forward in my own life and make some decisions based upon my own core fundamental beliefs. For I think that once you make choices based upon those foundations, you can’t look back years later and say you wished that you had done something differently. The decisions are now made based upon what is solely inside of you and not your present situation.

Have you ever given yourself the opportunity to make a physical list of your core values? If not, give it a try. It’s kind of grounding to be that aware of why you make certain choices, and it will make you more mindful of how you move forward on this amazing road of life. No matter your race, religion, ethnicity, social status - what better model to give your children than to show them that you can live your life being mindful of your core values.

The word "No"

No, this is not a blog on discipline. Quite the opposite, actually. This isn't about you drawing good and healthy boundaries with your kids. It's not about punishments, and it is certainly not about rules. This blog is about observing, honoring, and making healthy changes in our interactions with our children.

As many of you know, I've gone through a transformation in my life that has changed my outlook and interaction with just about every person I know. What was mainly an unhealthy, attention-seeking, people-pleasing woman wandering around seeking external satisfaction is now a woman who is healthier and strong and allowing God to work in her to dissolve her constant need for human attention and interaction. This addiction gets easier and easier to deal with every day, and maybe one day I'll stop struggling with it. It took me forty-two years to perfect this insanity, and I can't seem to move past step six in the twelve step program. Step six asks me to be ready to allow God to take it over. I want him to, but I'm not allowing it to be taken completely. 

This got me thinking about why I seem to hold on to bad habits. 

So this morning I was working through the Boundaries workbook (I do a few pages every morning) and I got to the chapter about boundaries and your children. Townsend and McCloud are specific in their examples and anecdotes, and I love this because it gives the reader a chance to apply the ideas to real life from beginning to end.  In this particular section, the authors discuss two boys. One of the boys - Jimmy - clearly has high sense of self and stands up for what he believes with little concern for what the reaction of others will be. The second boy gives in easily to peer pressure.  

As we dig into the situations of the two boys, we find that the first boy's upbringing was very different than the second. Both boys were tempted by friends to do something they didn't want to do because they knew it was wrong. Yet one said No thanks while the other gave in and then got defensive immediately after he'd been caught. 

In studying the upbringing of both boys, I guess you could see that there is some merit to past experiences having a major impact on us. Paul, the second boy, struggled to say no to friends. After studying what his childhood was like, we discover that chastisement and guilty messages followed if he told his parents No for some reason. He even had physical boundaries violated when he declined a hug from his mother. She immediately engaged in projecting guilt messages. After some time, Paul's greatest defense against it all was to agree and smile on the outside while building walls of resentment and anger inside. And his is how he practiced living from then on out.

Wow.

This was me. I can recall in high school being advised by somebody I respected (I can't remember if it was my youth pastor or the social worker at school or what) to just agree with whatever my mom would say and let her win. That I was entitled to my own feelings, but that she was ultimately in charge, so therefore I should just stop arguing. My mom and I, like many a teenage daughter and mom, did not have the best relationship when I was in high school. 

Whoever gave me that advice should have been fired. Except that I think this was the normal response back then because we were just transitioning out if that "children should be seen and not heard" mentality and into a newer way of thinking about our small human offspring. I was basically told that my boundaries and limits didn't matter because I was sixteen. My feelings were not validated, and - too bad. But you know what? It worked. Once I started agreeing with what my mom said, things got better. And that's the advice I gave my little sister also. I hate myself for that also. 

In a discussion with a group of women I had this morning, we discussed the legacies where parents will just pass on the attitudes and behaviors of the family rather than learning something healthier for the " new families". I truly believe that my inability to express emotion and my ability to resort to manipulation through gilt messages is something that had been passed down through generations. It was a way of life, not an immediate choice. I saw nothing wrong in my drama queen ways because nothing was wrong. This is just how my life was.

Or was there? Why is it that during my marriage we had years of bliss and happiness, and then I would crash. Then a few years of bliss and happiness (never argued - first MAJOR LEAGUE mess-up) followed by a crash. I just couldn't seem to stabilize. It was so frustrating! And my husband saw it too.

It was like God was giving me situations that would jump out and say, "HEY! You need Me! Over here!" and I looked the other way. Every. Time. I can pinpoint crash moments in my relationship with my husband every 3-5 years. And they got worse and worse and worse.

Until it broke. Boundaries.

And then I looked at my children. How often had I expressed concern that my daughter never cried about anything? She would get to a point where she'd explode and then have a physical and mental breakdown to the point of physical violence. It was so bad that her therapist finally suggested involving a 911 call because she was now as big as me and could physically hurt me if she got aggressive. Something was very wrong. She was so uncomfortable in her own skin. What was it?

Then I noticed interactions between me and my son. Where we would get down and wrestle and I would tickle him - and he'd eventually say, "MOM! Stop!" Where I would once ignore him and tickle away, I now became more aware of his No. In the Boundaries book it talks about training our children from the get go that their No means NO. That we need to validate our babies' feelings by acknowledging that the emotions actually exist. That feelings are theirs, and nobody should be able to tell them how to feel. Nobody. Maybe this is why so many rape victims go for years or sometimes for ever without reporting rape. Because their No was never validated. They never felt like it mattered.

I think that was a typical way of raising children back when I was a kid. Children should be seen and not heard. Who cares about what you think or how you feel? You are a child. We have work to do. Get it done.

Am I saying we should bow to each and every No from our children? Ha! Absolutely not! Should we acknowledge it? Yes! A simple, "I hear you telling me you don't want to clean your room, and I understand why you don't want to, but you are a part of our family, and we are all taking responsibility for our part here. Your room is your responsibility, and keeping it clean is your part." But sometimes hearing a No and allowing it to change the interaction is okay also.

The key here is to listen, observe, and be present. Saying tiny prayers that God will lead you through this crazy time of parenting won't hurt either. We cannot be dictators. The Bible calls us to discipline where learning takes place, not to punish where shame is used. To love, not to dictate. To parent, not to govern. Parents, if you want your children to be more independent, self-confident, and able to stand up for what they believe - it is your responsibility to allow your kiddos the opportunity to practice their No at home before they are challenged to put it to the test out in the world.

Namaste.

Does God grow?

For about a month I've had this big question bouncing around in my head. Does God grow?

I have reason to believe that he has and does, but I thought I'd throw this out to the universe and ask others' opinions. Now keep in mind I am no theologist. I'm not a graduate of a fancy seminary nor do I have a PhD in anything. This is just me. A broken woman studying His word looking for answers only to find three questions for every question I had originally . . . and sometimes an answer.

The Bible I was using up until I was able to acquire my Gramma's Bible was falling apart, and Gramma's Bible is now full of a rainbow of sticky notes and notes everywhere. I absolutely LOVE reading the teachings of Jesus, but one thing that always made me kind of sad is how I tend to feel after reading parts of the Old Testament. Not gonna lie - the God of the OT is freaking intimidating. If I had run into him in the desert, I'd likely have passed out on the spot in terror and shame. When they say Fear the Lord I feel every word of that simple statement. Floods, fire falling from the sky, death of first born sons? Yeah.

Now I realize that you can interpret Biblical teachings literally or figuratively, and that helps me to not fall down daily on my face for fear that He will punish me for my Big Fat Sinnerness.

What I find interesting and encouraging, however, is the shift in tone and feel from the old to the new testament. The God of the old testament seemed authoritarian, jealous, and downright wrathful at times. And yet the new testament feels like He created a curriculum on being a human being, complete with love and peace and responsibility. This is no secret. Most people who are regular Bible readers discuss this shift, and actually, if you go online there are a lot of people who question whether the God of the OT is even the same God as the one in the New Testament. I wouldn't go THAT far, but I feel like it's safe for me to say that there is significant change in Him between the testaments.

There's a quotation I've seen floating around on Facebook. It goes like this.

Walk a mile in my shoes. See what I see. Hear with I hear. Feel what I feel. Then maybe you'll understand why I do what I do. 'Til then don't judge me. ~ Unknown

Although I'm pretty sure the the Lord isn't terribly interested in sassy Facebook memes, there is a bit of truth in these few sentences. We as Christians know that judgement is for Him, not for us, and yet well all fall into that trap when we see somebody who has no business wearing that pair of leggings and a short shirt or their T-shirt tucked in tightly with a belt. Or we sit right next to a colleague in church on Sunday who we had just seen in Facebook pictures of a drunken party with a group of friends from work Friday night - her hands raised in worship Sunday morning. Human nature is competitive, full of sin, and downright mean sometimes! Can I get an AMEN?

When God manifested himself in the form of a baby (and later a man), he made a conscious choice to see it through to the end. His Son, who was a part of himself, became human and lived life as a human in all ways - from temptations to delicious food, from disappointments to fear and pain. He experienced all of the same emotions as we have - but from a human perspective, not from the perspective of the Almightly. Not this time.

Because of this choice, As we well know, once you've experience it, you have filed that experience in the "well, that didn't work" cabinet, but you've also learned and grown - and maybe even built some connections between this experience and one in the past. And often, our outlook on life changes, ultimately causing behavior changes.

I wonder if that's what happen to God. Did he change because he was finally able to physically experience that mess we call life? It very well could be.

Namaste

On prayer

I've been reading Richard Rohr's Breathing Underwater for over a month, and for a book with only 147 pages, it's sure taken me a long time to get through it. Each sentence is almost physically chewable, not to mention circular, impactful, and applicable to my life. In the book Rohr parallels the Twelve Step program with spirituality - since that's what it was based on in the first place. But he digs in so deeply, I wonder if Bill Wilson (aka Bill W, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous), even knew how transformative those twelve steps could actually be.

Step ten requires me to improve my contact with God - which comes at a perfect time, as my walk rollercoasters over great hills at times, and currently I'm in a low valley. Of course, when anybody discusses contact with God, one of the first things that pops into mind is prayer. But read the step. Read it carefully.

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood [God], praying only for knowledge of [God's] will for us and the power to carry that out.

As I read that over and over and over again, I got a hint that this is just how prayer should be. Instead of asking for this, that, and the rest, I need to ask for a simple communication line to be open so that I am open to hearing what His will is for me and how I should go about meeting his expectations for my life. Once that is established, this, that, and the rest may not matter.

God answers prayer. He provides all sorts of things, but until we can get our brains to unravel from our current way of thinking that God will be there to provide for us abundantly, He would go about his business, waiting patiently. It's our work on ourselves that he knows will either happen or not. He's a sneaky one, that God. Basically he wants us to pray to understand what HE wants for our lives and then for us to pray for it to happen.

I feel like this almost deserves an "LOL". Of COURSE it's going to happen! God has tricked us into praying for what HE wants! Haha! Answered prayers! I can attest that this works. I've struggled with acceptance of situations for my entire life. Take my divorce as a big one. I spent months praying for reconciliation, for my love for my husband to be restored, for him to concede to counseling - but those prayers went unanswered, like God was wearing a NOPE tee shirt. I was relentless. Then I started to change my prayers. I had been reading more and more about prayer and what the purpose of prayer was, and I started to pray things like if your will is and show me your will in this or what's next, Lord? And when my husband filed for divorce in May I finally felt the release - that God had said to me, It's okay, daughter. You have done what you thought was the right thing, but it is my job to protect your heart, and your work is done here. It's okay. I have plans for you.

Please do not misunderstand. I know it was never God's intention for my marriage to fall apart. It was never his intention for me to have an affair or get divorced. We all have free will, and I screwed up. Plain and simple. But last week when Scott started talking about step three and asking the Lord to take this mess and make it beautiful? I almost fell on the floor in happy tears because I feel so whole! God has worked a miracle in me! He's forgiven me and is now working on the next chapter of my life, and guess what! His will for my life will be completed because I pray for that to happen each day. I pray for his guidance in his next steps and for the means to carry out his plan. He has provided and will continue to do so as long as I align and open myself up to him. And that, my friends, is the key to step ten.

So my questions are this:

1. Is my daily prayer routine THAT easy? I simple prayer asking for guidance and for my eyes to be opened to His will? That's it? No prayers for friends and family?
2. How DO I pray for others? Ask Him to show THEM His will for them?
3. Why, when I think about this stuff and try to process it, as long as I don't think too hard or concentrate on it too long, I can sort of understand it, but if I dwell. It all goes away?

Feel free to comment on these questions. I'm interested in hearing what my readers are thinking and how we can learn from each other.

Namaste.

On apologies

"No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein.

Step eight in the twelve-step program requires a willingness to make amends to people whom you've wronged. On the surface it might appear that what Einstein is saying here is that you have to apologize so that you can make things better. Acknowledge that you've screwed up, put on your big girl panties, admit it to others, and say "sorry" so healing can begin.

So why hadn't this freed me? Why had this kept me hanging on for months after I had apologized for hurting my husband so deeply, for lying to him our entire relationship about things that he did that bothered me, for not trying harder to get him to go to counseling, and for not confronting him when things he did hurt me? Why had my apologies not freed me? Why did I continue to torment myself? Would I spend my entire life punishing myself for being the only me I knew how to be? I felt like it, and at times I seriously wondered if death would have been a better plan than living out this self-torture.

Einstein's words repeated over and over in my mind. What was I missing?

And then I went to church yesterday and listened to the message that Scott delivered on Step 3 (yes, I'm ahead like a big nerd). Sweet surrender. I had acknowledged my faults. Asked God to forgive me. Told the world I was a screw up. But I had not surrendered. Hadn't asked Him to take over my dark secrets - that I had a deep addiction to human attention that went a lot further than working for an A on a paper or getting a certificate for perfect attendance. That I was addicted to controlling through manipulation to get that attention. That even though I avoided drama on the surface, I secretly reveled in drama and wanted to have a purpose. When my friends were failing, I felt so good when they came to me and needed me or wanted my thoughts. All. The. Time. None of which was Christ centered, which allowed the Devil to get his hands on everything. And he did. Satan is such a jerk.

It's not about the actions, but about the heart below the actions. And THAT'S what held me captive. I knew it held us both captive - my husband and me - because of what I saw in him. I had locked us into a nasty energy, and for the life of me I could not find the key.

Until yesterday.

Sweet surrender. It's a process. Not something that can be done over night, but even the ability to acknowledge that that's where I'm headed has already freed me. Freed us both.

Namaste.

I am the prodigal son . . . but what's up with his brother?

The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) has bugged me for days.

Days.

It was referenced in several parts of my Boundaries book, and several days ago I ran across another reference to this same parable in Richard Rohr's book Breathing Underwater. It was at this point that I decided to take a closer look at the story to see what underlying messages God had for me. Obviously it was something I needed to dig into, or He wouldn't keep guiding me back to it . . . so I stewed. Something was there, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'm horrid at symbolism, and this was God's test to me to see if I could get it.

See, most of the parable made sense to me on the surface. A man's son is ready to go out and be his own man, so he asks his dad to give him his inheritance, and he leaves. Adios. He blows the entire thing, ends up working for a pig farmer and envying the food even the pigs were eating, and he decides that living with Dad was a better idea. So he puts his tail between his legs and heads for home.

Now, I don't know what this man was thinking, but I know what I'd be thinking - the last thing I wanted to do last October was to go back to living with my parents. I can remember in my thirties thinking that if I ever got to a point where I had no where to go I would never go back to my parents'. But when my life took a nose-dive last year I realized that they would love me. No. Matter. What. And that's where I headed. I can still remember pulling into their driveway with my car loaded to the top, knowing that if they said no I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep that night. I felt truly homeless. Their unconditional love felt so amazing, I would have done anything for them that night. I just needed to be home. This is how I imagine the son in this story was feeling.

My parents did not, however, celebrate. They did not kill their fatted calf and have a party like his father did. They did feed me, and they did give me a bed in their storage room. And a few times during that four month period my mom even mentioned how nice it was to have me home. But I knew I couldn't stay forever. I needed to get back on my feet. The parable doesn't go that far.

I relate this parable to myself, not only spiritually, but physically. Bear with me for a minute. At age eighteen I made a conscious decision to leave the church. Before that time I believed that I had a relationship with the Lord - although an immature one. I loved Jesus.

He gave me something when I was thirteen, and I've only ever told one person this. I loved, more than anything, to sing. I wanted to sing for a living. Sing for God. Sing. Sing. Sing. The summer before my fourteenth birthday, at  summer camp, I was attending evening church service in my pink gingham skirt, white blouse, and beige sandals (yes, I even remember what I wore that night). During the altar call I can remember kneeling in the presence of God, tears streaming down my face, warrior-hands on my back. I don't even remember why they had called people up that night, but I do remember one thing. After the prayer, while the warriors moved on to another teenager in tears, I started to sing. Singing was not unusual for me  on any level, mind you, but this time I swear my vocal cords were touched by the Holy Spirit. They changed. In that instant I knew I would sing for God.

And I did. I sang my heart out for four years after that. I sang any chance I got. I sang classical music for school, Christian music for church, and whatever I wanted at home. I sang at work (my coworkers at McDonald's just expected it after a while). I just sang. God had blessed me with that talent, and I used it to honor Him.

At eighteen I took my gift and went elsewhere, and although I tried to sing like I had sung then, it just wasn't happening. In hindsight I see exactly how and why it happened, but then I thought it was just me changing. Maybe it was, but I know that if I had continued to use my voice to honor God, he would have blessed me beyond what I could have dreamed. I don't regret it. But I now understand it. I failed Him.

Fast forward to age forty-two. I have returned - the prodigal son (daughter, if you will) - talent all dried up, hungry and thirsty for life again. God saw me coming, and he celebrated! He celebrated! He killed his fatted calf and fed me until I couldn't eat any more. He has given me back my voice (I'm keeping it to myself for now) and even my words (I'm writing again as you can see!). But this time I will use my talents to honor Him.

The parable doesn't stop here, though. It goes on. The story continues with the older son - the one who stayed home and worked for his father. Who served him. He was angry.

‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ Luke 15:29-30

He obviously hadn't read Boundaries.

His father looked right at him.

 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:31-32

Some of you may stop there and say, "Awww, that's nice. Shame on the older son for his jealousy."

Or you may be on his side and say, "Wait a minute! That older son served his dad! Why hasn't his dad celebrated this? What is HIS reward for being faithful?"

Read it again. Read verse 31 again! It's right there.  "You are always with me, and everything I have is YOURS." The older son had everything he could have ever needed and wanted, and he took it all for granted. If he had wanted a fatted calf and a party, it sounds like Daddy would have obliged. He loved His sons! Just like our Father loves us. He looked right over that crazy fact because he didn't understand the lesson in what was happening, much like many of us cannot fathom what we could possibly be learning during times of adversity. 

But wait, there's more. His father rejoiced. He rejoiced not because his son returned, but because his son "WAS DEAD and is alive again". He "WAS LOST and is found". Richard Rohr agrees when he says I think that your heart needs to be broken, and broken open, at least once to have a heart at all or to have a heart for others. His father was celebrating his renewal and his growth! Not his return to the home.

Talk about unlocking a story with a punch! Jesus's messages were many in this short story:

1. Use your God-given talents to serve Him.
2. The Lord will always welcome you back with open arms and celebrate your wisdom gained by suffering.
3. If you are serving Jesus, remember that all that He has is yours. Rejoice in the abundance that you've been given! Do not take what you have in Him for granted.
4. Suffering provides opportunity to grow. 
5. Rejoice with your brothers and sisters who are learning through their death and renewals.

Namaste

God's will vs. Free will

Raise your hand if you were one of those people who always seemed to have a fresh pot of drama brewing in your life kitchen.

Yup. Me too.

It never failed. Somebody was always pissing me off, being unfair, attacking me or somebody I love. I was always fighting something. Always.

I am close to people who have this same phenomenon. It's like the storm of negativity just rages on and on like the hurricanes on Jupiter. Hundreds of years of storms. Or what one woman said to me, "I feel like I've been walking a desert for years." Or another, "God is obviously out to lunch again."

Where is God during these times?

Last night I was talking to a very close friend about this. My heart hurts for my friends who seem to find nothing but adversity. Even during my darkest moments I could feel the Lord's presence and knew he was there, which is probably what saved my life honestly. But I know that I have friends who try and can't feel him. Why is that? It bothered me a great deal, and I needed to discuss it.

What my friend said to me was a reminder to me that there are two wills in our lives - God's will and our own. He gives us free will to choose what we want to do. All He can do is guide us, but we have to listen and trust that He knows what He is doing. My next questions was, "Then how can I pray for my friends? If I can't pray that God will help them do X, Y, or Z - what do I say?"

After some discussion, we concluded that God hears our prayers - not matter what they are, but that He can't help somebody who doesn't want help to move toward what His will is for that person. Our job as Prayer Warriors is to tell God we've got his back and that we would LOVE it if He would speak to our friends and family about His will for them. Some don't want to hear it. Some can't hear it because they're too distracted by their own will (this was me for months this year). Ask God to show you how you can help your friends and family see what His will is for them. You know you're open to hearing from Him, and maybe they can't hear Him but can hear you. What can you do to be a warrior?

So this morning I opened my devotion book that led me to James 4:13-15. God speaks so clearly to me sometimes . . .

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

He clearly has a message He wanted delivered to me, and when those messages get delivered - He knows I share them. Somebody out there needs this today.

I say this, friends - you know what YOU want. How is wanting whatever it is making you feel? I know, in my case, wanting to attend counseling with my husband made me miserable because my want was met with a wall of a big fat NO. The funny thing is that when I submitted to what God wanted for me, the change was uncomfortable (ok, it was excruciatingly painful) - BUT what emerges in His will will not only be blessed by Him but will make us undeniably happy. I'm seeing this more and more every day.

Am I saying that God wanted me to get divorced. NO! But he also gives humans free will. I made some choices that ultimately caused the demise of my marriage. After I submitted to God, I asked him to take my mess and make it beautiful, and that is EXACTLY what He is doing. Every. Day. His will in my life. Whoa. Deep, huh?

You may need this message today more than ever or know somebody who needs it. The Lord is speaking through me today, so please pass it on. Remember, His will will ultimately make you happy. Toss your will to the curb and follow what He has in store for you because I can guarantee you - anything that He creates is FAR more beautiful than anything you can.

Namaste.

On honesty...

I've had a Bible in my home for forty-two years, and I'm embarrassed to say how little I actually know about the contents of that book! For example, am I the only one who didn't know that the Lord's Prayer is actually in there twice? And that there are tons of references from the New to the Old Testament? I read the book through when I was in elementary school, and I'm pretty sure I gained nothing from that experience.

Today's discovery was another mis-interpreted verse. Ephesians 5:26 says " Be angry and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath. I don't know about any of you, but I was under the assumption that this verse spoke about those days when I was a royal grump and picked fights with everybody - that at the end of the day if I hadn't apologized and tried to make amends that I needed to do that before I went to bed. The old Don't go to bed angry rule.

But this morning as I was reading, it dawned on me that the verse before it stated Therefore put away lying, each one speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Those verses aren't about making sure that when my head hits the pillow I've dissolved my anger. They're about making sure that I don't go to bed WITHOUT expressing my anger to the receiver of the anger. That each day when I went to bed with bitterness and resentment toward somebody (mainly my husband), I was committing a sin. THIS is why I was so depressed, anxious, angry, and bitter. This is why I was alone even thought I was surrounded by people. THIS is why I searched everywhere but where I needed to search.

And this is why I am getting divorced.

God's Word speaks to me today, and I am learning day by day what I will do for my relationships from here on out. Honesty doesn't just mean to not lie. It means to speak truth, even when the truth may hurt someone. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it will harm, and often times if you avoid hurting somebody, in the long run . . . it will harm your relationship. Best to get it out in the open and hash through it. That was my mistake. I was afraid that I'd lose him if I said anything. I put my husband before myself and God. That was my error.

Never again. Learn from this, friends. And follow Ephesians 5:25-26.

Namaste.

Turn the other cheek

I don't know how many times I have heard people use the quotation "turn the other cheek" in reference to dealing with the coarseness of humans. People are mean. Period. Matthew 5:38-42 says:

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a]39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

But I question the translation of these verses. My Bible even titles the section Retaliation, giving a clear indication that the verses are warning followers of Christ to refrain from retaliation. But is it really saying we should just lie down and allow people to walk all over us? To invite additional punishment?

I pondered this for a few days when I started to think about the hundreds of references to love there are in God's word as well. How can these things go together? Love you neighbor so much that you'll allow him to steal your clothes? Slap you? Sue you?

As I sat in meditation one morning last week the answer came to me. For some reason God reminded me of my years of teaching. Every good reading teacher has hundreds of books on shelves, in bins, on floors, window sills, etc. Most teachers have a system of attempting to keep track of their books - signing them out, checking them out, names and room numbers inside the book, outside the book, on the pages, etc.

No matter what a teacher does, however, dozens go missing every year. Inevitably some student will come running to you telling about so-and-so stealing your books. One year I even had an electronic dictionary stolen from my classroom. Kids steal stuff - or they walk away with them. Whatever you want to call it, if you are a teacher, you inevitably leave the classroom in June a little lighter due to the amount of things that leave your classroom without your permission.

I used to freak out - to hunt kids down - until I started working with kids who were severely under privileged. And one day it dawned on me. He's stealing a book, for Pete's sake. A book. Is stealing wrong? Yes. Should I let my students know that I don't appreciate my things taken? Sure.

But he obviously needed something I couldn't give him by just him asking. The love that I extend my students was never enough. They were always searching for more. That was evident in the number of students I had in my room at lunch time every day. These kids needed love. Unconditional love. I didn't freak out about a book. In fact, I started saying, "Just keep it."

And you know what happened? They stopped stealing. They looked out for me. They protected me, physically and emotionally. They stuck up for me. They loved me. I didn't expect this kind of a response from them, honestly, but it taught me a valuable lesson - one that can be learned from the book of Matthew.

Turning the other cheek, giving more than what people try to take from you - and doing it in love- will often lead to reaping rewards that never even entered your mind. I'm not sure if those verses were meant to warn Christian people to not retaliate. I am under the belief that Jesus was telling us that to fight bitterness and anger with the same will only create more resentment, but to love a person who is trying to hurt you because you want to show them Christ's love will, in time, produce a deeper love and understanding for the great pain that humans endure.

Being human is hard. Being an adult human is really hard. Being a loving adult human is so hard, that sometimes I don't think I will survive the pain. But as we learn how to be human's of God, we take on a new mindset that allows that pain to be soothed and a new person emerges. Shedding our egos and allowing His Holy Spirit to take over creates a peaceful person - one who can turn the other cheek or give away books from her bookshelf to kids who are looking for attention.

God's will for us all is happiness and love, but sometimes it comes in unexpected forms.

Namaste.

On self-love

Last night I had a beautiful one-on-one conversation with a very dear friend who is dealing with some stresses in her life. It's taken her a while to crack open Boundaries, but she finally did, and her book looked like a rainbow of sticky note flags when she walked into my house. A girl after my own heart (I'm obsessed with sticky notes).

As we moved through our discussion of my codependent-people-pleaser issues and her similar issues, we finally stumbled into the topic of loving oneself. I shared with her my calling - to help others to find love for themselves. It sounds like such a broad calling, and in fact it is! But she looked at me and said, "I'm not even sure what that would be like - to love myself."

Funny, I didn't either. I thought I did. I think we all think we do for a long time, but just this year I understood the true feeling of self-love (and self-loathing, for that matter) and discovered that what I had thought was self-love was a desire to love myself so strongly. Almost a self-lust.

I said a very quick "Lord, speak through me" prayer, and I opened my mouth. What came out, I've actually thought about for about twelve hours and decided that I needed to share it with more than just her. I told her that, to me, self love was the ability to do whatever it takes to make myself happy above ALL OTHERS.

All. Others.

Her eyes opened. She leaned back in her chair. The her head turned to the screeches and giggles happening in the other room as our children destroyed each other on the WiiU. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She was thinking that what I said was so selfish. Even above our children? "What about our kids?" she voiced.

"Think about it," I said. "If you do things to make them happy first, you may be in violation of some of your own limits or boundaries which will make them happy and you miserable. Those things may make them happy now, but they may ultimately not allow them to grow. Remember when we talked about the fact that sometimes they have to be uncomfortable or unhappy to grow? If you do things to make YOU happy first, a happy mama means that that happiness and love will seep through, ultimately making your babies happy."

I'm not talking about manicures and massages. I'm talking about setting aside time for YOU. Taking a half hour in the morning to read or exercise. Calling a girlfriend to chat or meet for coffee. Building a stronger relationship with women of your tribe. Spending time with God. Don't scrimp on those things. If anything, make them a part of your routine ahead of putting on makeup or eating breakfast. Take a morning walk. Listen to music that you enjoy. Join a book club or a community choir. But do it all in the name of God. What does he want for you?

Yes, He wants all of our marriages to work out, but He has given man the most blessed gift - aside from His Son's blood to wash away our sins - He's given us free will. Sometimes our marriages are not going to work out. Sometimes our colleagues are going to stab us in the back. Sometimes our children defy us in the worst ways. Sometimes our cars won't start, our basements flood, we run out of gas, we screw up on a presentation, or our neighbors complain about our grass being to long. If we can approach all of this adversity with the Lord backing us, our tendency to collapse into a puddle of mess is far less.

I had a mantra with a colleague years ago when she and I were partners in one of the worst teaching assignments ever in my career. "I'm a mess." Yes we were. Had I had the Lord as a partner in this, I may have been able to handle the pressure much better than I did. There was no time for me. I was busy being the codependent-people-pleaser. I had no idea what self-love was. I WANTED to love myself. I tried loving myself. I even declared self-love to people. But what I had was a seriously strong desire to love myself and no clue as to how to go about doing it. How do I know?

I was not happy.

Now I sit, facing divorce within the next few months, with a paycheck that is one-third of what it was when I was teaching. I am up at five to spend time with God, exercise, get myself ready for the day, and start my day educating my children. By the time three p.m. rolls around I'm gearing up to share my love for music with kiddos whose families have trusted me to teach them how to play piano. By seven or eight p.m. I'm exhausted as I get my babies ready for bed. Then I get to start planning my day for tomorrow, working on paperwork for my university class, and touching base with a few friends. By eleven p.m. I hope to crawl into bed and pass out, which I usually do with ease.

And guess what?

I. Am. Happy. I have found self-love.

Namaste

I am poem

The kids and I are working on I am poems today so I thought I'd write my own.

I am

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

I wonder what will happen in my life in ten years.

I hear buzzing noises in my ears.

I see visions of bad things that have happened in the past.

I want my life to settle down so that I can focus on making it better.

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

I pretend that things are better than they really are at the time.

I feel angry and happy all at the same time.

I touch the soft fur of our kitten.

I worry that my children will not be okay.

I cry when I think about the sadness I have caused others.

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

I understand that I am forgiven.

I say that I will be better after all of this is over.

I dream of a future that is even better than the present.

I try to do the right thing.

I hope that someday I will have a family that is whole again.

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

Don't build your house on the sandy land

When I was a kid my favorite record series was the Psalty the Singing Song Book series. The songs were fun, uplifting, and easy to sing, and the stories had great messages. It's funny how music sticks with you. I can still recite the presidents of the United States from a song I learned when I was seven, and this week I discovered that those messages from Psalty still apply. I've been singing one, in particular, to myself over and over for the last few days, and something Melissa Greene said in her message on Sunday at the Orchard connected to this tune.

Don't Build Your House on the Sandy Land is a song about setting a firm foundation in God to build your life rather than the shifting sand of worldy things. The words go like this: "Don't build your house on the sandy land. Don't build it too near the shore. Well it might look kind of nice, but you'll have to build it twice. Oh you'll have to build your house once more!" It's based from Matthew 7: 24-27 which states:

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

In her message, Melissa Greene packed in dozens of solid points for her listeners, but the one important point that applies to my life is the idea of how you live your life. She used the idea of destruction vs. deconstruction. Now I'm a slow processor, so there's a good chance that Melissa's message touched on this point and moved on, but that's where my brain stopped and started moving in a direction made just for me.

I've been living my life in a solid state of destruction, and it wasn't until just recently - I'd say about seven months ago - that I'd begun shifting to a state of deconstruction without even realizing where I was or where I was headed. Melissa was able to put a label to my morphing, and although I hate labels, my logical mind needs them to make sense of what is happening to me.

My entire life I'd built on shifty principles of human addiction, self-gratification, the need for attention, boundary-crossing, and using my relationship with God (or non-relationship for the last 24 years) as a way to achieve in this world. In my wake I'd left relationships torn to shreds by manipulation, lies (mostly unintentional), desperation, lust, and greed. Most often I could never get along with my superiors and always blamed them for being idiots. Much of my life was about me trying to get away from something that bothered me - my job, schooling, my parents, the kids, housework, etc. I was focused on what I didn't want and not what I wanted - and although my husband and I practiced mindfulness and the art of acceptance I just couldn't do it. It was just too hard to accept things that didn't seem to be gelling with my true self. And the resentment built up until my life completely imploded. The ultimate destruction.

In December I began my slow and steady walk with God again. In January I committed to turning things around and reconstructing, but first I had to deconstruct. Just because I had destroyed everything I had known over the last twenty-four years in my relationship with my husband didn't mean that I could just start rebuilding.

When he and I went to Mexico twenty-two years ago, we visited areas of Mayan ruins. At the time we had visited Dzibilchaltun, which was exactly that - in ruins. But there were parts of it that were still standing. These parts had to be deconstructed before they could be reconstructed so that everything would be put back together with solid adhesives. This way, the stones wouldn't fall to the ground during or after reconstruction. Deconstruction. Breaking down my ways, taking them apart piece by piece, and putting them back together with solid adhesives. I was a hot mess from top to bottom and needed a complete overhaul. And that's what I have been doing.

Building on a rock instead of on sandy land. Gluing my life back together with the solidarity of the Lord rather than what I had done for so long which is my belief that I was the only one I could depend on. I'm only human. Melissa pointed out that our humanness gets a bad rap. It does. But when we spend our lives being only human, honestly - we deserve a bad rap. We can't do amazing things without the work of God in our lives. It doesn't have to be THE God that I know. Each of us has our own version of God, but as long as we are under the understanding that he is there and that he has sent his son to die to save us because, honestly, we are all big fat sinners. Why do we seem to be running from what God truly wants for our lives? We are like a bunch of seventeen-year-old kids running around as if we know everything. How can we move past this egocentric way of life and build on a solid foundation? A rock. No more destruction.

And because of this I vow to follow what God's will is for my life and to spend my life reconstructing and helping others deconstruct so that they can reconstruct as well.

Namaste.

Trust is a four letter word

Trust.

This is truly a four letter word to me right now.

Last week I hosted a group of beautiful, yet broken, women to discuss the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. One woman, whose divorce had already finalized, threw out a statement to which all of us could wholeheartedly relate.

She said to the group, "I don't even trust myself anymore!"

Yep. Me either.

So this morning Dr. Ron Martoia visited The Orchard Church with a message specifically for me - all about trust. His message started with the story from Matthew 8:23-27. In the story Jesus told his disciples to get into a boat so that they could go to the other side of the lake. Dr. Martoia related this trip across the lake as a period of transition - of uncertainty, as the disciples were uncertain and had made all sorts of excuses as to why they should not follow blindly. He asked them to leave the predictability of their lives and the safety of the shore and step onto a boat where there was no predictability, and safety was sketchy. While Jesus took a nap, a storm came upon the disciples and they freaked out, calling out for Jesus to save them from drowning. He woke up and scolded them for their lack of faith, and then he calmed the storm.

Powerful, powerful imagery for my life.

Dr. Martoia says that our lives are full of assumed predictability - safety. That ecotonic times - times of transition or change or the in-between spaces - are the times when we aren't sure where we are going to land, but if we don't adapt we are going to die. Not moving forward due to fear of change will only paralyze us and make us vulnerable to stagnation or worse - suffocation or drowning.

I was also able to relate to Dr. Martoia on a personal level. He spoke of a specific incident where he was in-between, and during this time it dawned on him that he had been moving at such a fast pace that his ego began to get used to and thrive from human-approval. Being a church leader, public speaker, author, etc., the attention gets addicting. He had to make some pretty scary decisions about his career that included the possibility of losing a lot of what he had acquired, and his ego was like Nooooooooo! What if we lose it all??? I know that admitting to ego for a man like him is probably a humbling experience now, but he used this story to show me that he knew what I was struggling with.

All I could think of was ME TOO! There was a time in my life not too long ago when I had my finger on the pulse of our school and reading instruction in our district. Where I had an opportunity to speak at regional conferences about educational topics, write for national newsletters and internationally-read education websites, and write fiction for fun. I had started making a name for myself in the world of education, and I had hopes of being asked to speak more frequently, write often, and share what I had learned with as many educators as possible. The attention was heady! That's always been me. Ego had definitely "gotten in the way of God trying to shine through". At that time in my life, God was the furthest from my mind than He had ever been!

And then I had to make one of the hardest choices in my career. For several years I've felt the tug away from public education. I needed time to not be distracted by the everyday grind of the data, planning, grades, colleagues, and kids. So I took a leave of absence a year ago to homeschool my own children. Unfortunately, Satan thought that would be a really good time to distract me with a divorce, but thankfully I straightened myself out in January and started really listening to what God is pulling me to do. And just a few weeks ago, I resigned from my job permanently.

This time of transition is a time of adaptation and creation for me. I continue to listen to God's whispers to me during my open times. I pray that my open times are often and lengthy because I have taken a leap of faith during an already-turbulent time in my life. I no longer want to be that "elephant with amnesia living in an ant hole". I've decided to follow Jesus blindly into the boat, knowing full well that he will provide for me and for my children.

Namaste.