On apologies

"No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein.

Step eight in the twelve-step program requires a willingness to make amends to people whom you've wronged. On the surface it might appear that what Einstein is saying here is that you have to apologize so that you can make things better. Acknowledge that you've screwed up, put on your big girl panties, admit it to others, and say "sorry" so healing can begin.

So why hadn't this freed me? Why had this kept me hanging on for months after I had apologized for hurting my husband so deeply, for lying to him our entire relationship about things that he did that bothered me, for not trying harder to get him to go to counseling, and for not confronting him when things he did hurt me? Why had my apologies not freed me? Why did I continue to torment myself? Would I spend my entire life punishing myself for being the only me I knew how to be? I felt like it, and at times I seriously wondered if death would have been a better plan than living out this self-torture.

Einstein's words repeated over and over in my mind. What was I missing?

And then I went to church yesterday and listened to the message that Scott delivered on Step 3 (yes, I'm ahead like a big nerd). Sweet surrender. I had acknowledged my faults. Asked God to forgive me. Told the world I was a screw up. But I had not surrendered. Hadn't asked Him to take over my dark secrets - that I had a deep addiction to human attention that went a lot further than working for an A on a paper or getting a certificate for perfect attendance. That I was addicted to controlling through manipulation to get that attention. That even though I avoided drama on the surface, I secretly reveled in drama and wanted to have a purpose. When my friends were failing, I felt so good when they came to me and needed me or wanted my thoughts. All. The. Time. None of which was Christ centered, which allowed the Devil to get his hands on everything. And he did. Satan is such a jerk.

It's not about the actions, but about the heart below the actions. And THAT'S what held me captive. I knew it held us both captive - my husband and me - because of what I saw in him. I had locked us into a nasty energy, and for the life of me I could not find the key.

Until yesterday.

Sweet surrender. It's a process. Not something that can be done over night, but even the ability to acknowledge that that's where I'm headed has already freed me. Freed us both.

Namaste.