Who is God?

Something has been troubling me deeply about my walk with God, and I just need to get it out so I can process through. Currently I’m reading A Case for Faith, which is a great read if you haven’t read it. I haven’t finished it, and it’s taking me a long time to finish because I haven’t really made the time to sit down and read, but I’m asking Santa for a few more hours in the day and some time management advice, so maybe in January I’ll get that book finished up.

My faith is stronger than it has ever been. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a God and that Jesus died on the cross to save us all from an eternity in hell (whatever your definition of hell is). I can attest to the fact that once I confessed my brokenness and my need for the trinity to come hang with me, a peace has settled over me that I never thought I could ever be worthy of having. God is there. Real. I feel him every day.

But something has really been bugging me. I'm struggling with my logical side because logic tells me that there is no "man upstairs". That faith in God means that there is faith in a being that I can't even comprehend. That my definition of God today is not what my definition of who he was when I walked with him twenty-five years ago. Him . . . her  . . . ? 

I practiced mindfulness for ten years without totally comprehending what it meant to self-love. And nobody noticed. Of course I believed in God without a true comprehension of who God really was. Isn't that what faith is all about? Not for us logicals it's not. It's hard to have faith . . . and yet I watch my eight-year-old logical talk about evidence that does, indeed, prove over and over again that God, does in fact, exist. The faith of a child is a beautiful and wonderous thing. I wish I had it.

Who is God? It wasn't until recently, honestly, that I finally had a true understanding of how the Holy Spirit works. Why am I forty-two and just now understanding that my internal guide is the Holy Spirit speaking to me - that that Spirit lives inside of me  and speaks to me the way God does? I'm just now understanding that God sends his Holy Spirit to walk with me day and night and to take over my mind, my mouth, and my actions when I give my will over to it. 

I know who Jesus is. He is God's son, sent to earth to help God learn how being human can really suck sometimes and also to shed his blood and clean us up after we make a mess of our lives because we can't seem to give in to the Holy Spirit all the time. 

Well, this morning I was reading in Jesus Calling like I do every morning. Often, my devotion will remind me that I need to need God. That I cannot adult on my own - that I'm needy for the Lord to use his Holy Spirit to guide me. It's like God is the dispatcher, and the Holy Spirit is the policeman running to call after call in my head. But only if I call upon God first. Otherwise, he sits quietly.

This is circular, I know, but stay with me. God. Who is he? His spirit dwells within all of us, and yet he is all around us. The air we breathe, the sound of the birds, the breeze. He's here. Not sitting up in a throne in the sky. That's why we only have to whisper the name Yahweh and His spirit responds immediately with relief and eventually guidance.

I fell short of this today. How easily it can happen, honestly. I lost it on somebody I do not even know who was just trying to do her job at the cell phone company. I refused to stop and ask Got to dispatch. I can do this on my own, right? I ended up in tears after trying to reason with this woman who obviously wasn't budging on her stance, and I am still paying for a cell phone that I can't use. Nothing was accomplished except now I have a headache, my eyes are puffy, and I'm in a foul mood. 

But you know what? The Spirit told me to sit down and write. So that is what I am doing. I'm in tuned with His will now. I can feel it. It's no longer my will. It's His. His will for me is to step outside of my logical self and have faith that he truly exists. And tonight, faith is what I have. Namaste.