As many of you know, I've gone through a transformation in my life that has changed my outlook and interaction with just about every person I know. What was mainly an unhealthy, attention-seeking, people-pleasing woman wandering around seeking external satisfaction is now a woman who is healthier and strong and allowing God to work in her to dissolve her constant need for human attention and interaction. This addiction gets easier and easier to deal with every day, and maybe one day I'll stop struggling with it. It took me forty-two years to perfect this insanity, and I can't seem to move past step six in the twelve step program. Step six asks me to be ready to allow God to take it over. I want him to, but I'm not allowing it to be taken completely.
This got me thinking about why I seem to hold on to bad habits.
So this morning I was working through the Boundaries workbook (I do a few pages every morning) and I got to the chapter about boundaries and your children. Townsend and McCloud are specific in their examples and anecdotes, and I love this because it gives the reader a chance to apply the ideas to real life from beginning to end. In this particular section, the authors discuss two boys. One of the boys - Jimmy - clearly has high sense of self and stands up for what he believes with little concern for what the reaction of others will be. The second boy gives in easily to peer pressure.
As we dig into the situations of the two boys, we find that the first boy's upbringing was very different than the second. Both boys were tempted by friends to do something they didn't want to do because they knew it was wrong. Yet one said No thanks while the other gave in and then got defensive immediately after he'd been caught.
In studying the upbringing of both boys, I guess you could see that there is some merit to past experiences having a major impact on us. Paul, the second boy, struggled to say no to friends. After studying what his childhood was like, we discover that chastisement and guilty messages followed if he told his parents No for some reason. He even had physical boundaries violated when he declined a hug from his mother. She immediately engaged in projecting guilt messages. After some time, Paul's greatest defense against it all was to agree and smile on the outside while building walls of resentment and anger inside. And his is how he practiced living from then on out.
Wow.
This was me. I can recall in high school being advised by somebody I respected (I can't remember if it was my youth pastor or the social worker at school or what) to just agree with whatever my mom would say and let her win. That I was entitled to my own feelings, but that she was ultimately in charge, so therefore I should just stop arguing. My mom and I, like many a teenage daughter and mom, did not have the best relationship when I was in high school.
Whoever gave me that advice should have been fired. Except that I think this was the normal response back then because we were just transitioning out if that "children should be seen and not heard" mentality and into a newer way of thinking about our small human offspring. I was basically told that my boundaries and limits didn't matter because I was sixteen. My feelings were not validated, and - too bad. But you know what? It worked. Once I started agreeing with what my mom said, things got better. And that's the advice I gave my little sister also. I hate myself for that also.
In a discussion with a group of women I had this morning, we discussed the legacies where parents will just pass on the attitudes and behaviors of the family rather than learning something healthier for the " new families". I truly believe that my inability to express emotion and my ability to resort to manipulation through gilt messages is something that had been passed down through generations. It was a way of life, not an immediate choice. I saw nothing wrong in my drama queen ways because nothing was wrong. This is just how my life was.
Or was there? Why is it that during my marriage we had years of bliss and happiness, and then I would crash. Then a few years of bliss and happiness (never argued - first MAJOR LEAGUE mess-up) followed by a crash. I just couldn't seem to stabilize. It was so frustrating! And my husband saw it too.
It was like God was giving me situations that would jump out and say, "HEY! You need Me! Over here!" and I looked the other way. Every. Time. I can pinpoint crash moments in my relationship with my husband every 3-5 years. And they got worse and worse and worse.
Until it broke. Boundaries.
And then I looked at my children. How often had I expressed concern that my daughter never cried about anything? She would get to a point where she'd explode and then have a physical and mental breakdown to the point of physical violence. It was so bad that her therapist finally suggested involving a 911 call because she was now as big as me and could physically hurt me if she got aggressive. Something was very wrong. She was so uncomfortable in her own skin. What was it?
Then I noticed interactions between me and my son. Where we would get down and wrestle and I would tickle him - and he'd eventually say, "MOM! Stop!" Where I would once ignore him and tickle away, I now became more aware of his No. In the Boundaries book it talks about training our children from the get go that their No means NO. That we need to validate our babies' feelings by acknowledging that the emotions actually exist. That feelings are theirs, and nobody should be able to tell them how to feel. Nobody. Maybe this is why so many rape victims go for years or sometimes for ever without reporting rape. Because their No was never validated. They never felt like it mattered.
I think that was a typical way of raising children back when I was a kid. Children should be seen and not heard. Who cares about what you think or how you feel? You are a child. We have work to do. Get it done.
Am I saying we should bow to each and every No from our children? Ha! Absolutely not! Should we acknowledge it? Yes! A simple, "I hear you telling me you don't want to clean your room, and I understand why you don't want to, but you are a part of our family, and we are all taking responsibility for our part here. Your room is your responsibility, and keeping it clean is your part." But sometimes hearing a No and allowing it to change the interaction is okay also.
The key here is to listen, observe, and be present. Saying tiny prayers that God will lead you through this crazy time of parenting won't hurt either. We cannot be dictators. The Bible calls us to discipline where learning takes place, not to punish where shame is used. To love, not to dictate. To parent, not to govern. Parents, if you want your children to be more independent, self-confident, and able to stand up for what they believe - it is your responsibility to allow your kiddos the opportunity to practice their No at home before they are challenged to put it to the test out in the world.
Namaste.
Or was there? Why is it that during my marriage we had years of bliss and happiness, and then I would crash. Then a few years of bliss and happiness (never argued - first MAJOR LEAGUE mess-up) followed by a crash. I just couldn't seem to stabilize. It was so frustrating! And my husband saw it too.
It was like God was giving me situations that would jump out and say, "HEY! You need Me! Over here!" and I looked the other way. Every. Time. I can pinpoint crash moments in my relationship with my husband every 3-5 years. And they got worse and worse and worse.
Until it broke. Boundaries.
And then I looked at my children. How often had I expressed concern that my daughter never cried about anything? She would get to a point where she'd explode and then have a physical and mental breakdown to the point of physical violence. It was so bad that her therapist finally suggested involving a 911 call because she was now as big as me and could physically hurt me if she got aggressive. Something was very wrong. She was so uncomfortable in her own skin. What was it?
Then I noticed interactions between me and my son. Where we would get down and wrestle and I would tickle him - and he'd eventually say, "MOM! Stop!" Where I would once ignore him and tickle away, I now became more aware of his No. In the Boundaries book it talks about training our children from the get go that their No means NO. That we need to validate our babies' feelings by acknowledging that the emotions actually exist. That feelings are theirs, and nobody should be able to tell them how to feel. Nobody. Maybe this is why so many rape victims go for years or sometimes for ever without reporting rape. Because their No was never validated. They never felt like it mattered.
I think that was a typical way of raising children back when I was a kid. Children should be seen and not heard. Who cares about what you think or how you feel? You are a child. We have work to do. Get it done.
Am I saying we should bow to each and every No from our children? Ha! Absolutely not! Should we acknowledge it? Yes! A simple, "I hear you telling me you don't want to clean your room, and I understand why you don't want to, but you are a part of our family, and we are all taking responsibility for our part here. Your room is your responsibility, and keeping it clean is your part." But sometimes hearing a No and allowing it to change the interaction is okay also.
The key here is to listen, observe, and be present. Saying tiny prayers that God will lead you through this crazy time of parenting won't hurt either. We cannot be dictators. The Bible calls us to discipline where learning takes place, not to punish where shame is used. To love, not to dictate. To parent, not to govern. Parents, if you want your children to be more independent, self-confident, and able to stand up for what they believe - it is your responsibility to allow your kiddos the opportunity to practice their No at home before they are challenged to put it to the test out in the world.
Namaste.
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