Last night I had a beautiful one-on-one conversation with a very dear friend who is dealing with some stresses in her life. It's taken her a while to crack open Boundaries, but she finally did, and her book looked like a rainbow of sticky note flags when she walked into my house. A girl after my own heart (I'm obsessed with sticky notes).
As we moved through our discussion of my codependent-people-pleaser issues and her similar issues, we finally stumbled into the topic of loving oneself. I shared with her my calling - to help others to find love for themselves. It sounds like such a broad calling, and in fact it is! But she looked at me and said, "I'm not even sure what that would be like - to love myself."
Funny, I didn't either. I thought I did. I think we all think we do for a long time, but just this year I understood the true feeling of self-love (and self-loathing, for that matter) and discovered that what I had thought was self-love was a desire to love myself so strongly. Almost a self-lust.
I said a very quick "Lord, speak through me" prayer, and I opened my mouth. What came out, I've actually thought about for about twelve hours and decided that I needed to share it with more than just her. I told her that, to me, self love was the ability to do whatever it takes to make myself happy above ALL OTHERS.
All. Others.
Her eyes opened. She leaned back in her chair. The her head turned to the screeches and giggles happening in the other room as our children destroyed each other on the WiiU. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She was thinking that what I said was so selfish. Even above our children? "What about our kids?" she voiced.
"Think about it," I said. "If you do things to make them happy first, you may be in violation of some of your own limits or boundaries which will make them happy and you miserable. Those things may make them happy now, but they may ultimately not allow them to grow. Remember when we talked about the fact that sometimes they have to be uncomfortable or unhappy to grow? If you do things to make YOU happy first, a happy mama means that that happiness and love will seep through, ultimately making your babies happy."
I'm not talking about manicures and massages. I'm talking about setting aside time for YOU. Taking a half hour in the morning to read or exercise. Calling a girlfriend to chat or meet for coffee. Building a stronger relationship with women of your tribe. Spending time with God. Don't scrimp on those things. If anything, make them a part of your routine ahead of putting on makeup or eating breakfast. Take a morning walk. Listen to music that you enjoy. Join a book club or a community choir. But do it all in the name of God. What does he want for you?
Yes, He wants all of our marriages to work out, but He has given man the most blessed gift - aside from His Son's blood to wash away our sins - He's given us free will. Sometimes our marriages are not going to work out. Sometimes our colleagues are going to stab us in the back. Sometimes our children defy us in the worst ways. Sometimes our cars won't start, our basements flood, we run out of gas, we screw up on a presentation, or our neighbors complain about our grass being to long. If we can approach all of this adversity with the Lord backing us, our tendency to collapse into a puddle of mess is far less.
I had a mantra with a colleague years ago when she and I were partners in one of the worst teaching assignments ever in my career. "I'm a mess." Yes we were. Had I had the Lord as a partner in this, I may have been able to handle the pressure much better than I did. There was no time for me. I was busy being the codependent-people-pleaser. I had no idea what self-love was. I WANTED to love myself. I tried loving myself. I even declared self-love to people. But what I had was a seriously strong desire to love myself and no clue as to how to go about doing it. How do I know?
I was not happy.
Now I sit, facing divorce within the next few months, with a paycheck that is one-third of what it was when I was teaching. I am up at five to spend time with God, exercise, get myself ready for the day, and start my day educating my children. By the time three p.m. rolls around I'm gearing up to share my love for music with kiddos whose families have trusted me to teach them how to play piano. By seven or eight p.m. I'm exhausted as I get my babies ready for bed. Then I get to start planning my day for tomorrow, working on paperwork for my university class, and touching base with a few friends. By eleven p.m. I hope to crawl into bed and pass out, which I usually do with ease.
And guess what?
I. Am. Happy. I have found self-love.
Namaste
No comments:
Post a Comment