Values vs. Goals

When I first started counseling in October of 2015, I was a hot, angry mess. I'm not an angry, hot mess anymore, but I am still in counseling - still working on me because I know there's work to be done. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'll ever stop going.

This week Krysten and I started processing core values. She said something this week that kind of made me stop and really think. I think I must have been using the words goals and values interchangeably because she addressed that exact topic with a flat-out definition of each that made me pause and think.

She basically said that our goals are what we strive for - like there's an end point to most of them. Our values are what we hold dearest - they are what drives our goals sometimes, but often in our crazy, fast-paced society, our goals overshadow our values and sometimes even contradict them. We will sometimes allow society to dictate what our goals should be and sometimes our values bend to accommodate those goals. A clear boundary violation.

And that is where unhappiness sets in. When you don't live up to your own core values, you are not aligned with yourself, with God, with the Universe. You're out of line.

And  . . .

You are unhappy. Unable to express the unhappiness because you created this grand life for yourself and EVERYBODY thinks you have a fantastic life. On the outside you have a wonderful husband and marriage, two fantastic children, a fancy car, home, a dog, hobbies, a successful career where you are building prestige and respect in the field you've chosen, and Disney vacations every year. You've got it made.

You also have two upside-down mortgages, $60,000 in student loans, $30,000 in credit card debt and $30,000 in other loans taken off retirement funds. You have stuff. Lots of stuff. You have stress. Medical bills. You have hidden addictions and unhealthy behaviors because nobody can handle it, and nobody can address it. You have anger and resentment. You have control issues. You  have miscommunication. You have non-communication. You have a hot mess.

You have divorce.

I'm not even sure what I wanted out of life. I thought I did, but I never, ever stopped to evaluate where my drive came from or what I truly valued at my core.

And now its time for me to get in touch with those core values because I refuse to have my life fall apart like this again. Even during the divorce process I stop to evaluate WHY I do what I do. Recently there was a disagreement to which I had to really ask myself WHY I wanted to stand my ground on an issue. What was my true motivation behind what I was asking? Through prayer and processing of this blog, I'm still asking God for wisdom in how to handle the situation. I refuse to fall back into the trap of allowing my ego to drive my decisions. If my reasons for doing ANYTHING are based on anything but love, I know I'm out of line and need to figure out a different course of action.

As I've read multiple times, there are two basic emotions: love and fear. My entire life has been run on fear-based decisions. No more. I choose love. And I choose love for not just me - but for my children and for my future as well.

Namaste.