On apologies

"No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein.

Step eight in the twelve-step program requires a willingness to make amends to people whom you've wronged. On the surface it might appear that what Einstein is saying here is that you have to apologize so that you can make things better. Acknowledge that you've screwed up, put on your big girl panties, admit it to others, and say "sorry" so healing can begin.

So why hadn't this freed me? Why had this kept me hanging on for months after I had apologized for hurting my husband so deeply, for lying to him our entire relationship about things that he did that bothered me, for not trying harder to get him to go to counseling, and for not confronting him when things he did hurt me? Why had my apologies not freed me? Why did I continue to torment myself? Would I spend my entire life punishing myself for being the only me I knew how to be? I felt like it, and at times I seriously wondered if death would have been a better plan than living out this self-torture.

Einstein's words repeated over and over in my mind. What was I missing?

And then I went to church yesterday and listened to the message that Scott delivered on Step 3 (yes, I'm ahead like a big nerd). Sweet surrender. I had acknowledged my faults. Asked God to forgive me. Told the world I was a screw up. But I had not surrendered. Hadn't asked Him to take over my dark secrets - that I had a deep addiction to human attention that went a lot further than working for an A on a paper or getting a certificate for perfect attendance. That I was addicted to controlling through manipulation to get that attention. That even though I avoided drama on the surface, I secretly reveled in drama and wanted to have a purpose. When my friends were failing, I felt so good when they came to me and needed me or wanted my thoughts. All. The. Time. None of which was Christ centered, which allowed the Devil to get his hands on everything. And he did. Satan is such a jerk.

It's not about the actions, but about the heart below the actions. And THAT'S what held me captive. I knew it held us both captive - my husband and me - because of what I saw in him. I had locked us into a nasty energy, and for the life of me I could not find the key.

Until yesterday.

Sweet surrender. It's a process. Not something that can be done over night, but even the ability to acknowledge that that's where I'm headed has already freed me. Freed us both.

Namaste.

I am the prodigal son . . . but what's up with his brother?

The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) has bugged me for days.

Days.

It was referenced in several parts of my Boundaries book, and several days ago I ran across another reference to this same parable in Richard Rohr's book Breathing Underwater. It was at this point that I decided to take a closer look at the story to see what underlying messages God had for me. Obviously it was something I needed to dig into, or He wouldn't keep guiding me back to it . . . so I stewed. Something was there, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'm horrid at symbolism, and this was God's test to me to see if I could get it.

See, most of the parable made sense to me on the surface. A man's son is ready to go out and be his own man, so he asks his dad to give him his inheritance, and he leaves. Adios. He blows the entire thing, ends up working for a pig farmer and envying the food even the pigs were eating, and he decides that living with Dad was a better idea. So he puts his tail between his legs and heads for home.

Now, I don't know what this man was thinking, but I know what I'd be thinking - the last thing I wanted to do last October was to go back to living with my parents. I can remember in my thirties thinking that if I ever got to a point where I had no where to go I would never go back to my parents'. But when my life took a nose-dive last year I realized that they would love me. No. Matter. What. And that's where I headed. I can still remember pulling into their driveway with my car loaded to the top, knowing that if they said no I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep that night. I felt truly homeless. Their unconditional love felt so amazing, I would have done anything for them that night. I just needed to be home. This is how I imagine the son in this story was feeling.

My parents did not, however, celebrate. They did not kill their fatted calf and have a party like his father did. They did feed me, and they did give me a bed in their storage room. And a few times during that four month period my mom even mentioned how nice it was to have me home. But I knew I couldn't stay forever. I needed to get back on my feet. The parable doesn't go that far.

I relate this parable to myself, not only spiritually, but physically. Bear with me for a minute. At age eighteen I made a conscious decision to leave the church. Before that time I believed that I had a relationship with the Lord - although an immature one. I loved Jesus.

He gave me something when I was thirteen, and I've only ever told one person this. I loved, more than anything, to sing. I wanted to sing for a living. Sing for God. Sing. Sing. Sing. The summer before my fourteenth birthday, at  summer camp, I was attending evening church service in my pink gingham skirt, white blouse, and beige sandals (yes, I even remember what I wore that night). During the altar call I can remember kneeling in the presence of God, tears streaming down my face, warrior-hands on my back. I don't even remember why they had called people up that night, but I do remember one thing. After the prayer, while the warriors moved on to another teenager in tears, I started to sing. Singing was not unusual for me  on any level, mind you, but this time I swear my vocal cords were touched by the Holy Spirit. They changed. In that instant I knew I would sing for God.

And I did. I sang my heart out for four years after that. I sang any chance I got. I sang classical music for school, Christian music for church, and whatever I wanted at home. I sang at work (my coworkers at McDonald's just expected it after a while). I just sang. God had blessed me with that talent, and I used it to honor Him.

At eighteen I took my gift and went elsewhere, and although I tried to sing like I had sung then, it just wasn't happening. In hindsight I see exactly how and why it happened, but then I thought it was just me changing. Maybe it was, but I know that if I had continued to use my voice to honor God, he would have blessed me beyond what I could have dreamed. I don't regret it. But I now understand it. I failed Him.

Fast forward to age forty-two. I have returned - the prodigal son (daughter, if you will) - talent all dried up, hungry and thirsty for life again. God saw me coming, and he celebrated! He celebrated! He killed his fatted calf and fed me until I couldn't eat any more. He has given me back my voice (I'm keeping it to myself for now) and even my words (I'm writing again as you can see!). But this time I will use my talents to honor Him.

The parable doesn't stop here, though. It goes on. The story continues with the older son - the one who stayed home and worked for his father. Who served him. He was angry.

‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ Luke 15:29-30

He obviously hadn't read Boundaries.

His father looked right at him.

 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:31-32

Some of you may stop there and say, "Awww, that's nice. Shame on the older son for his jealousy."

Or you may be on his side and say, "Wait a minute! That older son served his dad! Why hasn't his dad celebrated this? What is HIS reward for being faithful?"

Read it again. Read verse 31 again! It's right there.  "You are always with me, and everything I have is YOURS." The older son had everything he could have ever needed and wanted, and he took it all for granted. If he had wanted a fatted calf and a party, it sounds like Daddy would have obliged. He loved His sons! Just like our Father loves us. He looked right over that crazy fact because he didn't understand the lesson in what was happening, much like many of us cannot fathom what we could possibly be learning during times of adversity. 

But wait, there's more. His father rejoiced. He rejoiced not because his son returned, but because his son "WAS DEAD and is alive again". He "WAS LOST and is found". Richard Rohr agrees when he says I think that your heart needs to be broken, and broken open, at least once to have a heart at all or to have a heart for others. His father was celebrating his renewal and his growth! Not his return to the home.

Talk about unlocking a story with a punch! Jesus's messages were many in this short story:

1. Use your God-given talents to serve Him.
2. The Lord will always welcome you back with open arms and celebrate your wisdom gained by suffering.
3. If you are serving Jesus, remember that all that He has is yours. Rejoice in the abundance that you've been given! Do not take what you have in Him for granted.
4. Suffering provides opportunity to grow. 
5. Rejoice with your brothers and sisters who are learning through their death and renewals.

Namaste

God's will vs. Free will

Raise your hand if you were one of those people who always seemed to have a fresh pot of drama brewing in your life kitchen.

Yup. Me too.

It never failed. Somebody was always pissing me off, being unfair, attacking me or somebody I love. I was always fighting something. Always.

I am close to people who have this same phenomenon. It's like the storm of negativity just rages on and on like the hurricanes on Jupiter. Hundreds of years of storms. Or what one woman said to me, "I feel like I've been walking a desert for years." Or another, "God is obviously out to lunch again."

Where is God during these times?

Last night I was talking to a very close friend about this. My heart hurts for my friends who seem to find nothing but adversity. Even during my darkest moments I could feel the Lord's presence and knew he was there, which is probably what saved my life honestly. But I know that I have friends who try and can't feel him. Why is that? It bothered me a great deal, and I needed to discuss it.

What my friend said to me was a reminder to me that there are two wills in our lives - God's will and our own. He gives us free will to choose what we want to do. All He can do is guide us, but we have to listen and trust that He knows what He is doing. My next questions was, "Then how can I pray for my friends? If I can't pray that God will help them do X, Y, or Z - what do I say?"

After some discussion, we concluded that God hears our prayers - not matter what they are, but that He can't help somebody who doesn't want help to move toward what His will is for that person. Our job as Prayer Warriors is to tell God we've got his back and that we would LOVE it if He would speak to our friends and family about His will for them. Some don't want to hear it. Some can't hear it because they're too distracted by their own will (this was me for months this year). Ask God to show you how you can help your friends and family see what His will is for them. You know you're open to hearing from Him, and maybe they can't hear Him but can hear you. What can you do to be a warrior?

So this morning I opened my devotion book that led me to James 4:13-15. God speaks so clearly to me sometimes . . .

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

He clearly has a message He wanted delivered to me, and when those messages get delivered - He knows I share them. Somebody out there needs this today.

I say this, friends - you know what YOU want. How is wanting whatever it is making you feel? I know, in my case, wanting to attend counseling with my husband made me miserable because my want was met with a wall of a big fat NO. The funny thing is that when I submitted to what God wanted for me, the change was uncomfortable (ok, it was excruciatingly painful) - BUT what emerges in His will will not only be blessed by Him but will make us undeniably happy. I'm seeing this more and more every day.

Am I saying that God wanted me to get divorced. NO! But he also gives humans free will. I made some choices that ultimately caused the demise of my marriage. After I submitted to God, I asked him to take my mess and make it beautiful, and that is EXACTLY what He is doing. Every. Day. His will in my life. Whoa. Deep, huh?

You may need this message today more than ever or know somebody who needs it. The Lord is speaking through me today, so please pass it on. Remember, His will will ultimately make you happy. Toss your will to the curb and follow what He has in store for you because I can guarantee you - anything that He creates is FAR more beautiful than anything you can.

Namaste.

On honesty...

I've had a Bible in my home for forty-two years, and I'm embarrassed to say how little I actually know about the contents of that book! For example, am I the only one who didn't know that the Lord's Prayer is actually in there twice? And that there are tons of references from the New to the Old Testament? I read the book through when I was in elementary school, and I'm pretty sure I gained nothing from that experience.

Today's discovery was another mis-interpreted verse. Ephesians 5:26 says " Be angry and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath. I don't know about any of you, but I was under the assumption that this verse spoke about those days when I was a royal grump and picked fights with everybody - that at the end of the day if I hadn't apologized and tried to make amends that I needed to do that before I went to bed. The old Don't go to bed angry rule.

But this morning as I was reading, it dawned on me that the verse before it stated Therefore put away lying, each one speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Those verses aren't about making sure that when my head hits the pillow I've dissolved my anger. They're about making sure that I don't go to bed WITHOUT expressing my anger to the receiver of the anger. That each day when I went to bed with bitterness and resentment toward somebody (mainly my husband), I was committing a sin. THIS is why I was so depressed, anxious, angry, and bitter. This is why I was alone even thought I was surrounded by people. THIS is why I searched everywhere but where I needed to search.

And this is why I am getting divorced.

God's Word speaks to me today, and I am learning day by day what I will do for my relationships from here on out. Honesty doesn't just mean to not lie. It means to speak truth, even when the truth may hurt someone. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it will harm, and often times if you avoid hurting somebody, in the long run . . . it will harm your relationship. Best to get it out in the open and hash through it. That was my mistake. I was afraid that I'd lose him if I said anything. I put my husband before myself and God. That was my error.

Never again. Learn from this, friends. And follow Ephesians 5:25-26.

Namaste.

Turn the other cheek

I don't know how many times I have heard people use the quotation "turn the other cheek" in reference to dealing with the coarseness of humans. People are mean. Period. Matthew 5:38-42 says:

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a]39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

But I question the translation of these verses. My Bible even titles the section Retaliation, giving a clear indication that the verses are warning followers of Christ to refrain from retaliation. But is it really saying we should just lie down and allow people to walk all over us? To invite additional punishment?

I pondered this for a few days when I started to think about the hundreds of references to love there are in God's word as well. How can these things go together? Love you neighbor so much that you'll allow him to steal your clothes? Slap you? Sue you?

As I sat in meditation one morning last week the answer came to me. For some reason God reminded me of my years of teaching. Every good reading teacher has hundreds of books on shelves, in bins, on floors, window sills, etc. Most teachers have a system of attempting to keep track of their books - signing them out, checking them out, names and room numbers inside the book, outside the book, on the pages, etc.

No matter what a teacher does, however, dozens go missing every year. Inevitably some student will come running to you telling about so-and-so stealing your books. One year I even had an electronic dictionary stolen from my classroom. Kids steal stuff - or they walk away with them. Whatever you want to call it, if you are a teacher, you inevitably leave the classroom in June a little lighter due to the amount of things that leave your classroom without your permission.

I used to freak out - to hunt kids down - until I started working with kids who were severely under privileged. And one day it dawned on me. He's stealing a book, for Pete's sake. A book. Is stealing wrong? Yes. Should I let my students know that I don't appreciate my things taken? Sure.

But he obviously needed something I couldn't give him by just him asking. The love that I extend my students was never enough. They were always searching for more. That was evident in the number of students I had in my room at lunch time every day. These kids needed love. Unconditional love. I didn't freak out about a book. In fact, I started saying, "Just keep it."

And you know what happened? They stopped stealing. They looked out for me. They protected me, physically and emotionally. They stuck up for me. They loved me. I didn't expect this kind of a response from them, honestly, but it taught me a valuable lesson - one that can be learned from the book of Matthew.

Turning the other cheek, giving more than what people try to take from you - and doing it in love- will often lead to reaping rewards that never even entered your mind. I'm not sure if those verses were meant to warn Christian people to not retaliate. I am under the belief that Jesus was telling us that to fight bitterness and anger with the same will only create more resentment, but to love a person who is trying to hurt you because you want to show them Christ's love will, in time, produce a deeper love and understanding for the great pain that humans endure.

Being human is hard. Being an adult human is really hard. Being a loving adult human is so hard, that sometimes I don't think I will survive the pain. But as we learn how to be human's of God, we take on a new mindset that allows that pain to be soothed and a new person emerges. Shedding our egos and allowing His Holy Spirit to take over creates a peaceful person - one who can turn the other cheek or give away books from her bookshelf to kids who are looking for attention.

God's will for us all is happiness and love, but sometimes it comes in unexpected forms.

Namaste.

On self-love

Last night I had a beautiful one-on-one conversation with a very dear friend who is dealing with some stresses in her life. It's taken her a while to crack open Boundaries, but she finally did, and her book looked like a rainbow of sticky note flags when she walked into my house. A girl after my own heart (I'm obsessed with sticky notes).

As we moved through our discussion of my codependent-people-pleaser issues and her similar issues, we finally stumbled into the topic of loving oneself. I shared with her my calling - to help others to find love for themselves. It sounds like such a broad calling, and in fact it is! But she looked at me and said, "I'm not even sure what that would be like - to love myself."

Funny, I didn't either. I thought I did. I think we all think we do for a long time, but just this year I understood the true feeling of self-love (and self-loathing, for that matter) and discovered that what I had thought was self-love was a desire to love myself so strongly. Almost a self-lust.

I said a very quick "Lord, speak through me" prayer, and I opened my mouth. What came out, I've actually thought about for about twelve hours and decided that I needed to share it with more than just her. I told her that, to me, self love was the ability to do whatever it takes to make myself happy above ALL OTHERS.

All. Others.

Her eyes opened. She leaned back in her chair. The her head turned to the screeches and giggles happening in the other room as our children destroyed each other on the WiiU. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She was thinking that what I said was so selfish. Even above our children? "What about our kids?" she voiced.

"Think about it," I said. "If you do things to make them happy first, you may be in violation of some of your own limits or boundaries which will make them happy and you miserable. Those things may make them happy now, but they may ultimately not allow them to grow. Remember when we talked about the fact that sometimes they have to be uncomfortable or unhappy to grow? If you do things to make YOU happy first, a happy mama means that that happiness and love will seep through, ultimately making your babies happy."

I'm not talking about manicures and massages. I'm talking about setting aside time for YOU. Taking a half hour in the morning to read or exercise. Calling a girlfriend to chat or meet for coffee. Building a stronger relationship with women of your tribe. Spending time with God. Don't scrimp on those things. If anything, make them a part of your routine ahead of putting on makeup or eating breakfast. Take a morning walk. Listen to music that you enjoy. Join a book club or a community choir. But do it all in the name of God. What does he want for you?

Yes, He wants all of our marriages to work out, but He has given man the most blessed gift - aside from His Son's blood to wash away our sins - He's given us free will. Sometimes our marriages are not going to work out. Sometimes our colleagues are going to stab us in the back. Sometimes our children defy us in the worst ways. Sometimes our cars won't start, our basements flood, we run out of gas, we screw up on a presentation, or our neighbors complain about our grass being to long. If we can approach all of this adversity with the Lord backing us, our tendency to collapse into a puddle of mess is far less.

I had a mantra with a colleague years ago when she and I were partners in one of the worst teaching assignments ever in my career. "I'm a mess." Yes we were. Had I had the Lord as a partner in this, I may have been able to handle the pressure much better than I did. There was no time for me. I was busy being the codependent-people-pleaser. I had no idea what self-love was. I WANTED to love myself. I tried loving myself. I even declared self-love to people. But what I had was a seriously strong desire to love myself and no clue as to how to go about doing it. How do I know?

I was not happy.

Now I sit, facing divorce within the next few months, with a paycheck that is one-third of what it was when I was teaching. I am up at five to spend time with God, exercise, get myself ready for the day, and start my day educating my children. By the time three p.m. rolls around I'm gearing up to share my love for music with kiddos whose families have trusted me to teach them how to play piano. By seven or eight p.m. I'm exhausted as I get my babies ready for bed. Then I get to start planning my day for tomorrow, working on paperwork for my university class, and touching base with a few friends. By eleven p.m. I hope to crawl into bed and pass out, which I usually do with ease.

And guess what?

I. Am. Happy. I have found self-love.

Namaste

I am poem

The kids and I are working on I am poems today so I thought I'd write my own.

I am

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

I wonder what will happen in my life in ten years.

I hear buzzing noises in my ears.

I see visions of bad things that have happened in the past.

I want my life to settle down so that I can focus on making it better.

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

I pretend that things are better than they really are at the time.

I feel angry and happy all at the same time.

I touch the soft fur of our kitten.

I worry that my children will not be okay.

I cry when I think about the sadness I have caused others.

I am a God-loving and caring mother.

I understand that I am forgiven.

I say that I will be better after all of this is over.

I dream of a future that is even better than the present.

I try to do the right thing.

I hope that someday I will have a family that is whole again.

I am a God-loving and caring mother.