Values vs. Goals

When I first started counseling in October of 2015, I was a hot, angry mess. I'm not an angry, hot mess anymore, but I am still in counseling - still working on me because I know there's work to be done. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'll ever stop going.

This week Krysten and I started processing core values. She said something this week that kind of made me stop and really think. I think I must have been using the words goals and values interchangeably because she addressed that exact topic with a flat-out definition of each that made me pause and think.

She basically said that our goals are what we strive for - like there's an end point to most of them. Our values are what we hold dearest - they are what drives our goals sometimes, but often in our crazy, fast-paced society, our goals overshadow our values and sometimes even contradict them. We will sometimes allow society to dictate what our goals should be and sometimes our values bend to accommodate those goals. A clear boundary violation.

And that is where unhappiness sets in. When you don't live up to your own core values, you are not aligned with yourself, with God, with the Universe. You're out of line.

And  . . .

You are unhappy. Unable to express the unhappiness because you created this grand life for yourself and EVERYBODY thinks you have a fantastic life. On the outside you have a wonderful husband and marriage, two fantastic children, a fancy car, home, a dog, hobbies, a successful career where you are building prestige and respect in the field you've chosen, and Disney vacations every year. You've got it made.

You also have two upside-down mortgages, $60,000 in student loans, $30,000 in credit card debt and $30,000 in other loans taken off retirement funds. You have stuff. Lots of stuff. You have stress. Medical bills. You have hidden addictions and unhealthy behaviors because nobody can handle it, and nobody can address it. You have anger and resentment. You have control issues. You  have miscommunication. You have non-communication. You have a hot mess.

You have divorce.

I'm not even sure what I wanted out of life. I thought I did, but I never, ever stopped to evaluate where my drive came from or what I truly valued at my core.

And now its time for me to get in touch with those core values because I refuse to have my life fall apart like this again. Even during the divorce process I stop to evaluate WHY I do what I do. Recently there was a disagreement to which I had to really ask myself WHY I wanted to stand my ground on an issue. What was my true motivation behind what I was asking? Through prayer and processing of this blog, I'm still asking God for wisdom in how to handle the situation. I refuse to fall back into the trap of allowing my ego to drive my decisions. If my reasons for doing ANYTHING are based on anything but love, I know I'm out of line and need to figure out a different course of action.

As I've read multiple times, there are two basic emotions: love and fear. My entire life has been run on fear-based decisions. No more. I choose love. And I choose love for not just me - but for my children and for my future as well.

Namaste.

Parenting according to your core values (originally published November 7, 2015)

In a recent discussion with a professional in the psychology field, I was challenged to dig into and explore my core values to make some life-altering decisions. I think when we plow through life, we make decisions based upon our past experiences and our present situations and rarely get an opportunity to weigh what we should do based upon our core values.

I was surprised to discover that I struggled with the idea of core values itself and had to actually do a google search to wrap my head around what they really were. In essence, our core values are what we believe to be of the utmost importance and the foundation of how we live our lives. Examples given ranged anywhere from religion to work ethic to relationships.

So this got me thinking about parenting and educating – to me these are one in the same. So often we get wrapped up in rearing children so much that we lose focus of what our values are and develop the sheep syndrome of following what society thinks we should be doing. Just log into any number of social media sites, and you are inundated with memes, statuses, and articles that run the gamut of parenting and educational philosophies – some of which are considered “too eccentric” or “unorthodox”. On the opposite side of the spectrum, messages about how life was so much better “back in the day” also pepper my news feed. It’s downright confusing, even for a woman of forty-one!

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve caught myself repeating things that were said to me thirty or thirty-five years ago by my own parents. But are these messages that I send to my children my own messages? Or are they messages sent by years of history or societal values? Even after being a parent for over twelve years, I’d never considered this.

I stopped and wrote that night after really considering what I want for myself and, more importantly, my children. During my writing session, I came up with a list of seven qualities and characteristics that I felt truly epitomize how I currently live and how I want my children to live: motherhood and the ability to nurture, love and friendship, confidence, mindfulness, perseverance, curiosity, and independence. After prioritizing the list, I also wrote a little bit about why I chose each one, and I reflected on how I am currently raising my children. Am I using these values to drive my parenting? Are these values something I am able to reflect in my interactions with my children and the people around me?

Yes, actually. I can’t say that they have been, but now that I’ve pinpointed what I believe to be my fundamental driving force, I think I can move forward with a more focused approach to how I plan to guide my two children. Without a doubt, I will be making some small changes in my approaches to their education and life learning along with my overall interactions with them.

But most importantly, without a doubt, I can now move forward in my own life and make some decisions based upon my own core fundamental beliefs. For I think that once you make choices based upon those foundations, you can’t look back years later and say you wished that you had done something differently. The decisions are now made based upon what is solely inside of you and not your present situation.

Have you ever given yourself the opportunity to make a physical list of your core values? If not, give it a try. It’s kind of grounding to be that aware of why you make certain choices, and it will make you more mindful of how you move forward on this amazing road of life. No matter your race, religion, ethnicity, social status - what better model to give your children than to show them that you can live your life being mindful of your core values.

The word "No"

No, this is not a blog on discipline. Quite the opposite, actually. This isn't about you drawing good and healthy boundaries with your kids. It's not about punishments, and it is certainly not about rules. This blog is about observing, honoring, and making healthy changes in our interactions with our children.

As many of you know, I've gone through a transformation in my life that has changed my outlook and interaction with just about every person I know. What was mainly an unhealthy, attention-seeking, people-pleasing woman wandering around seeking external satisfaction is now a woman who is healthier and strong and allowing God to work in her to dissolve her constant need for human attention and interaction. This addiction gets easier and easier to deal with every day, and maybe one day I'll stop struggling with it. It took me forty-two years to perfect this insanity, and I can't seem to move past step six in the twelve step program. Step six asks me to be ready to allow God to take it over. I want him to, but I'm not allowing it to be taken completely. 

This got me thinking about why I seem to hold on to bad habits. 

So this morning I was working through the Boundaries workbook (I do a few pages every morning) and I got to the chapter about boundaries and your children. Townsend and McCloud are specific in their examples and anecdotes, and I love this because it gives the reader a chance to apply the ideas to real life from beginning to end.  In this particular section, the authors discuss two boys. One of the boys - Jimmy - clearly has high sense of self and stands up for what he believes with little concern for what the reaction of others will be. The second boy gives in easily to peer pressure.  

As we dig into the situations of the two boys, we find that the first boy's upbringing was very different than the second. Both boys were tempted by friends to do something they didn't want to do because they knew it was wrong. Yet one said No thanks while the other gave in and then got defensive immediately after he'd been caught. 

In studying the upbringing of both boys, I guess you could see that there is some merit to past experiences having a major impact on us. Paul, the second boy, struggled to say no to friends. After studying what his childhood was like, we discover that chastisement and guilty messages followed if he told his parents No for some reason. He even had physical boundaries violated when he declined a hug from his mother. She immediately engaged in projecting guilt messages. After some time, Paul's greatest defense against it all was to agree and smile on the outside while building walls of resentment and anger inside. And his is how he practiced living from then on out.

Wow.

This was me. I can recall in high school being advised by somebody I respected (I can't remember if it was my youth pastor or the social worker at school or what) to just agree with whatever my mom would say and let her win. That I was entitled to my own feelings, but that she was ultimately in charge, so therefore I should just stop arguing. My mom and I, like many a teenage daughter and mom, did not have the best relationship when I was in high school. 

Whoever gave me that advice should have been fired. Except that I think this was the normal response back then because we were just transitioning out if that "children should be seen and not heard" mentality and into a newer way of thinking about our small human offspring. I was basically told that my boundaries and limits didn't matter because I was sixteen. My feelings were not validated, and - too bad. But you know what? It worked. Once I started agreeing with what my mom said, things got better. And that's the advice I gave my little sister also. I hate myself for that also. 

In a discussion with a group of women I had this morning, we discussed the legacies where parents will just pass on the attitudes and behaviors of the family rather than learning something healthier for the " new families". I truly believe that my inability to express emotion and my ability to resort to manipulation through gilt messages is something that had been passed down through generations. It was a way of life, not an immediate choice. I saw nothing wrong in my drama queen ways because nothing was wrong. This is just how my life was.

Or was there? Why is it that during my marriage we had years of bliss and happiness, and then I would crash. Then a few years of bliss and happiness (never argued - first MAJOR LEAGUE mess-up) followed by a crash. I just couldn't seem to stabilize. It was so frustrating! And my husband saw it too.

It was like God was giving me situations that would jump out and say, "HEY! You need Me! Over here!" and I looked the other way. Every. Time. I can pinpoint crash moments in my relationship with my husband every 3-5 years. And they got worse and worse and worse.

Until it broke. Boundaries.

And then I looked at my children. How often had I expressed concern that my daughter never cried about anything? She would get to a point where she'd explode and then have a physical and mental breakdown to the point of physical violence. It was so bad that her therapist finally suggested involving a 911 call because she was now as big as me and could physically hurt me if she got aggressive. Something was very wrong. She was so uncomfortable in her own skin. What was it?

Then I noticed interactions between me and my son. Where we would get down and wrestle and I would tickle him - and he'd eventually say, "MOM! Stop!" Where I would once ignore him and tickle away, I now became more aware of his No. In the Boundaries book it talks about training our children from the get go that their No means NO. That we need to validate our babies' feelings by acknowledging that the emotions actually exist. That feelings are theirs, and nobody should be able to tell them how to feel. Nobody. Maybe this is why so many rape victims go for years or sometimes for ever without reporting rape. Because their No was never validated. They never felt like it mattered.

I think that was a typical way of raising children back when I was a kid. Children should be seen and not heard. Who cares about what you think or how you feel? You are a child. We have work to do. Get it done.

Am I saying we should bow to each and every No from our children? Ha! Absolutely not! Should we acknowledge it? Yes! A simple, "I hear you telling me you don't want to clean your room, and I understand why you don't want to, but you are a part of our family, and we are all taking responsibility for our part here. Your room is your responsibility, and keeping it clean is your part." But sometimes hearing a No and allowing it to change the interaction is okay also.

The key here is to listen, observe, and be present. Saying tiny prayers that God will lead you through this crazy time of parenting won't hurt either. We cannot be dictators. The Bible calls us to discipline where learning takes place, not to punish where shame is used. To love, not to dictate. To parent, not to govern. Parents, if you want your children to be more independent, self-confident, and able to stand up for what they believe - it is your responsibility to allow your kiddos the opportunity to practice their No at home before they are challenged to put it to the test out in the world.

Namaste.

Does God grow?

For about a month I've had this big question bouncing around in my head. Does God grow?

I have reason to believe that he has and does, but I thought I'd throw this out to the universe and ask others' opinions. Now keep in mind I am no theologist. I'm not a graduate of a fancy seminary nor do I have a PhD in anything. This is just me. A broken woman studying His word looking for answers only to find three questions for every question I had originally . . . and sometimes an answer.

The Bible I was using up until I was able to acquire my Gramma's Bible was falling apart, and Gramma's Bible is now full of a rainbow of sticky notes and notes everywhere. I absolutely LOVE reading the teachings of Jesus, but one thing that always made me kind of sad is how I tend to feel after reading parts of the Old Testament. Not gonna lie - the God of the OT is freaking intimidating. If I had run into him in the desert, I'd likely have passed out on the spot in terror and shame. When they say Fear the Lord I feel every word of that simple statement. Floods, fire falling from the sky, death of first born sons? Yeah.

Now I realize that you can interpret Biblical teachings literally or figuratively, and that helps me to not fall down daily on my face for fear that He will punish me for my Big Fat Sinnerness.

What I find interesting and encouraging, however, is the shift in tone and feel from the old to the new testament. The God of the old testament seemed authoritarian, jealous, and downright wrathful at times. And yet the new testament feels like He created a curriculum on being a human being, complete with love and peace and responsibility. This is no secret. Most people who are regular Bible readers discuss this shift, and actually, if you go online there are a lot of people who question whether the God of the OT is even the same God as the one in the New Testament. I wouldn't go THAT far, but I feel like it's safe for me to say that there is significant change in Him between the testaments.

There's a quotation I've seen floating around on Facebook. It goes like this.

Walk a mile in my shoes. See what I see. Hear with I hear. Feel what I feel. Then maybe you'll understand why I do what I do. 'Til then don't judge me. ~ Unknown

Although I'm pretty sure the the Lord isn't terribly interested in sassy Facebook memes, there is a bit of truth in these few sentences. We as Christians know that judgement is for Him, not for us, and yet well all fall into that trap when we see somebody who has no business wearing that pair of leggings and a short shirt or their T-shirt tucked in tightly with a belt. Or we sit right next to a colleague in church on Sunday who we had just seen in Facebook pictures of a drunken party with a group of friends from work Friday night - her hands raised in worship Sunday morning. Human nature is competitive, full of sin, and downright mean sometimes! Can I get an AMEN?

When God manifested himself in the form of a baby (and later a man), he made a conscious choice to see it through to the end. His Son, who was a part of himself, became human and lived life as a human in all ways - from temptations to delicious food, from disappointments to fear and pain. He experienced all of the same emotions as we have - but from a human perspective, not from the perspective of the Almightly. Not this time.

Because of this choice, As we well know, once you've experience it, you have filed that experience in the "well, that didn't work" cabinet, but you've also learned and grown - and maybe even built some connections between this experience and one in the past. And often, our outlook on life changes, ultimately causing behavior changes.

I wonder if that's what happen to God. Did he change because he was finally able to physically experience that mess we call life? It very well could be.

Namaste

On prayer

I've been reading Richard Rohr's Breathing Underwater for over a month, and for a book with only 147 pages, it's sure taken me a long time to get through it. Each sentence is almost physically chewable, not to mention circular, impactful, and applicable to my life. In the book Rohr parallels the Twelve Step program with spirituality - since that's what it was based on in the first place. But he digs in so deeply, I wonder if Bill Wilson (aka Bill W, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous), even knew how transformative those twelve steps could actually be.

Step ten requires me to improve my contact with God - which comes at a perfect time, as my walk rollercoasters over great hills at times, and currently I'm in a low valley. Of course, when anybody discusses contact with God, one of the first things that pops into mind is prayer. But read the step. Read it carefully.

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood [God], praying only for knowledge of [God's] will for us and the power to carry that out.

As I read that over and over and over again, I got a hint that this is just how prayer should be. Instead of asking for this, that, and the rest, I need to ask for a simple communication line to be open so that I am open to hearing what His will is for me and how I should go about meeting his expectations for my life. Once that is established, this, that, and the rest may not matter.

God answers prayer. He provides all sorts of things, but until we can get our brains to unravel from our current way of thinking that God will be there to provide for us abundantly, He would go about his business, waiting patiently. It's our work on ourselves that he knows will either happen or not. He's a sneaky one, that God. Basically he wants us to pray to understand what HE wants for our lives and then for us to pray for it to happen.

I feel like this almost deserves an "LOL". Of COURSE it's going to happen! God has tricked us into praying for what HE wants! Haha! Answered prayers! I can attest that this works. I've struggled with acceptance of situations for my entire life. Take my divorce as a big one. I spent months praying for reconciliation, for my love for my husband to be restored, for him to concede to counseling - but those prayers went unanswered, like God was wearing a NOPE tee shirt. I was relentless. Then I started to change my prayers. I had been reading more and more about prayer and what the purpose of prayer was, and I started to pray things like if your will is and show me your will in this or what's next, Lord? And when my husband filed for divorce in May I finally felt the release - that God had said to me, It's okay, daughter. You have done what you thought was the right thing, but it is my job to protect your heart, and your work is done here. It's okay. I have plans for you.

Please do not misunderstand. I know it was never God's intention for my marriage to fall apart. It was never his intention for me to have an affair or get divorced. We all have free will, and I screwed up. Plain and simple. But last week when Scott started talking about step three and asking the Lord to take this mess and make it beautiful? I almost fell on the floor in happy tears because I feel so whole! God has worked a miracle in me! He's forgiven me and is now working on the next chapter of my life, and guess what! His will for my life will be completed because I pray for that to happen each day. I pray for his guidance in his next steps and for the means to carry out his plan. He has provided and will continue to do so as long as I align and open myself up to him. And that, my friends, is the key to step ten.

So my questions are this:

1. Is my daily prayer routine THAT easy? I simple prayer asking for guidance and for my eyes to be opened to His will? That's it? No prayers for friends and family?
2. How DO I pray for others? Ask Him to show THEM His will for them?
3. Why, when I think about this stuff and try to process it, as long as I don't think too hard or concentrate on it too long, I can sort of understand it, but if I dwell. It all goes away?

Feel free to comment on these questions. I'm interested in hearing what my readers are thinking and how we can learn from each other.

Namaste.