Trust is a four letter word

Trust.

This is truly a four letter word to me right now.

Last week I hosted a group of beautiful, yet broken, women to discuss the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. One woman, whose divorce had already finalized, threw out a statement to which all of us could wholeheartedly relate.

She said to the group, "I don't even trust myself anymore!"

Yep. Me either.

So this morning Dr. Ron Martoia visited The Orchard Church with a message specifically for me - all about trust. His message started with the story from Matthew 8:23-27. In the story Jesus told his disciples to get into a boat so that they could go to the other side of the lake. Dr. Martoia related this trip across the lake as a period of transition - of uncertainty, as the disciples were uncertain and had made all sorts of excuses as to why they should not follow blindly. He asked them to leave the predictability of their lives and the safety of the shore and step onto a boat where there was no predictability, and safety was sketchy. While Jesus took a nap, a storm came upon the disciples and they freaked out, calling out for Jesus to save them from drowning. He woke up and scolded them for their lack of faith, and then he calmed the storm.

Powerful, powerful imagery for my life.

Dr. Martoia says that our lives are full of assumed predictability - safety. That ecotonic times - times of transition or change or the in-between spaces - are the times when we aren't sure where we are going to land, but if we don't adapt we are going to die. Not moving forward due to fear of change will only paralyze us and make us vulnerable to stagnation or worse - suffocation or drowning.

I was also able to relate to Dr. Martoia on a personal level. He spoke of a specific incident where he was in-between, and during this time it dawned on him that he had been moving at such a fast pace that his ego began to get used to and thrive from human-approval. Being a church leader, public speaker, author, etc., the attention gets addicting. He had to make some pretty scary decisions about his career that included the possibility of losing a lot of what he had acquired, and his ego was like Nooooooooo! What if we lose it all??? I know that admitting to ego for a man like him is probably a humbling experience now, but he used this story to show me that he knew what I was struggling with.

All I could think of was ME TOO! There was a time in my life not too long ago when I had my finger on the pulse of our school and reading instruction in our district. Where I had an opportunity to speak at regional conferences about educational topics, write for national newsletters and internationally-read education websites, and write fiction for fun. I had started making a name for myself in the world of education, and I had hopes of being asked to speak more frequently, write often, and share what I had learned with as many educators as possible. The attention was heady! That's always been me. Ego had definitely "gotten in the way of God trying to shine through". At that time in my life, God was the furthest from my mind than He had ever been!

And then I had to make one of the hardest choices in my career. For several years I've felt the tug away from public education. I needed time to not be distracted by the everyday grind of the data, planning, grades, colleagues, and kids. So I took a leave of absence a year ago to homeschool my own children. Unfortunately, Satan thought that would be a really good time to distract me with a divorce, but thankfully I straightened myself out in January and started really listening to what God is pulling me to do. And just a few weeks ago, I resigned from my job permanently.

This time of transition is a time of adaptation and creation for me. I continue to listen to God's whispers to me during my open times. I pray that my open times are often and lengthy because I have taken a leap of faith during an already-turbulent time in my life. I no longer want to be that "elephant with amnesia living in an ant hole". I've decided to follow Jesus blindly into the boat, knowing full well that he will provide for me and for my children.

Namaste.

Getting a clear message about what is coming next

You know, I was starting to worry I'd lost my words again because it's been a few weeks since I've had the inspiration for a blog. Thankfully over the last week or so, some ideas have come together, although I didn't realize they would be blog-worthy until just this morning. A few things came together for me as I sat here in the humidity on the porch with God.

I'd been mulling over the message by David Gibbons two Sundays ago. I've listened to the podcast a few times, and the funny thing is that the one scripture that continues to pop out at me wasn't even really a large part of his message. The verse, however, pops out at me EVERY time someone uses it, and I guess it's high time I address how this scripture impacts me as a person and a teacher.

The verse is Proverbs 22:6.  Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. I love this scripture because I feel like it's telling us as parents that if we can give our children a basic foundation of self-love, that self-love will follow our children for the rest of their lives. But what does this look like? How do we achieve this? How do we honor what God has asked us to do?

Interestingly as well, I've been patiently waiting on the Lord to also add to his calling to me. As some of you know, I have been given clear instructions to serve in some capacity. I've always been a teacher, and some would consider this an act of service, but for some reason I feel like my duty goes much further than simply helping a child learn how to read, write, or play piano. I feel like my own journey since September needs to be woven into my service.

And yesterday another scripture spoke to me. Matthew 22:39 states You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Well, with all of the unrest in the country and our world, I started to wonder about this scripture. In my own utopia, if we all loved our neighbors as we loved ourselves, we would live in peace, right? Except for one small problem. I have spoken to enough people over the last eleven months to understand that there are a great many people who are unhappy with themselves and who practice self-loathing on a daily basis - me included! I follow Christ and his teachings of peace and love, and yet I cannot even love myself fully and unconditionally enough to be able to love my neighbor in any capacity worthy of bringing world peace. Oh boy.

And then God spoke.

Heather, he said. Look at all you have done over the last five years! Look at all of the research you've done about human beings, brains, intrinsic motivation, the way people learn, and your own walk with Me.You have become this amazing teacher of self-love, and although you're still working on you, your act of service - your help in guiding others in their own self-exploration - will allow you to continue to grow. Do it. 

Do it? That's it, God? Do it? Um, okay. So if I'm hearing correctly, you're basically telling me that my call to serve should be directed at teaching others self-love?

And that's it, folks. God said Yes, and now I wait patiently for his next steps. I started my learning consulting company COREChild in November of 2014 with the full intention of helping parents do just that - allow their children to learn enough about themselves to appreciate their strengths and use them to reach their potential, but today I take a slightly different route. I feel like my duty as a mother, teacher, consultant, and friend is to use what I know about the way humans operate and guide those who are placed in my path to becoming what God has intended them to become. And that's what I shall do.

Namaste.

Morning reflections

If you've spoken to me in the last few days, it's likely that our conversation was tear-filled and desperate. I'm not sure what has happened, but I've been slammed with all sorts of emotions that I was really hoping would never resurface again. Support groups are winding down; summer "routine" is not really a routine; church isn't really even much of a routine because of the mass amount of guest speakers we have. I've had to do a few things for the first time without my husband, and, frankly, it sucked.

My cries out to God have been Psalm-like. The grief I'm experiencing is dark, raw, and endless. The pleas for relief I have sobbed have gone unanswered. God knows. He knows this is a part of the process. Just like he knew the process when Jesus was crucified. He cries with us - holds us and reminds us that he will never turn his back no matter what we do, but without this time of grief and pain, there is no transformation. We just have to feel it and use the pain.

This morning He finally answered me - told me some things I'd missed in my self-reflection. I'd been waiting to hear from Him, and it's always a relief when I do hear. These are a few things that he spoke to me.

• I have loved. Unconditionally. To the point where I've suffocated people - including my husband. Killed him. Squeezed the life out of him. Caused them him pain. In that process I've allowed him to take advantage of me. To crush my spirit. To hurt me with words and behaviors. I want to continue to love him, but that kind of love causes him to turn and walk away. He is finished being hurt by me. And I am finished being hurt also. As I heard somebody say yesterday, "That which you allow will continue." 
• I can't chase him or anybody else who walks away from me.
• I love him, but I do not love his behaviors. Even now after we have both begun the healing process I do not love his behaviors.
• I cannot pray for a change in him. I spent a counseling session a month ago sobbing so uncontrollably that I thought they were going to have to come in and cart me off to Mercy. I wept because I had discovered that I wanted to be able to love my husband  like I had loved him when we were teenagers, but I also wanted him to change to be a certain way now. That is a no-can-do in God's book. He gives us all free-will. Unless my husband sees that change is necessary, why would he want to change? Change in him may be necessary for me, but his way is working just fine for him at the moment.
• If I don't give this stuff up to the Lord soon, I will be crushed under the weight of it all. My call to service requires me to be here and in one piece. If I allow this burden to crush me I will perish. I MUST LAY IT DOWN.

On three occasions in the last month, I've had experiences with people dealing with family members who struggle with addictions. This is a physical reminder that you can love a person and pray for that person, but loving him and praying for him may be all you can do. 

My favorite time of the day is early morning. My head is clearer. It's quiet. Today it's even raining. Everything is peaceful, and I get to sit out on my porch and spend some time with God. It is at these times where most of my discoveries happen, and I'm so grateful that I was able to hear God speak this morning. My job today is to process all that he has told me and to begin to lay things down at his feet.

I was told that divorce is a roller coaster - that I'd feel good for a few weeks and crash and then feel good again and then crash. I have to say that the highs are higher, but the lows feel lower because of that. The time between them seems to be increasing, which is also good. God is working in me. He is carrying me through, but he refuses to remove me from the process. He knows. He knows that the woman I will be on the other side will be stunning and lively and happy. But most of all, he knows she is now a woman of Him.

This week started out with two really good days. By really good I mean that I felt like my walk with God was aligned, and the messages he spoke to me were loud and clear. But on Tuesday I had a person, who I thought was a friend, say some mean and judgmental things to me that really jarred me spiritually.

I have spiritual ADHD. Or maybe I am spiritually bipolar. I use these descriptions as a tongue-and-cheek way to describe my walk with Christ right now, but I just can't seem to get aligned and stay there. What is wrong with me??? And the more I stress about it, the worse it gets.

Last night when I fell into bed, I whispered to the Lord, "Father, sleep in tomorrow? Please?" But I fell asleep before he could answer.

I got his answer loud and clear at four o'clock this morning when he woke me up. Really, Lord? 

My alarm went off at five, and it took me about ten minutes to drag myself out of bed, grumbling. But something kept saying NO, get up. At 5:30 I shuffled out to the porch where I spend my morning devotions and prayer, sat down, and opened up Jesus Calling.

Second paragraph:

Be willing to fight for this precious time with me. Opposition comes in many forms: your own desire to linger in bed; the evil one's determination to distract you from me; the pressure of family, friends, and your own inner critic to spend your time more productively. As you grow in your desire to please Me above all else, you gain strength to resist these opponents. Delight yourself in me, for I am the deepest desire of your heart.

Even reading this for the fourth time just now, I continue to make deeper meaning. He is calling me to use my strategies to combat or maybe work with my tendency to allow myself to become distracted during my time with Him. He says fight. It is a fight. As I stated in a previous blog - I am constantly under attack. It's a minute-by-minute struggle to maintain alignment when so many things in my life are not Christ centered. And that's where I need work. 

With a Christ centered life - Him being my focus in every step - those times of adversity will not throw me as much. In fact, I may avoid them altogether. It's only during times of weakness when they will really, truly get to me. I spoke with a woman last night who reminded me of Job. Her husband left her and her two older children, quit his job, moved in with his girlfriend, and left the three of them to find for themselves on a parochial school teacher's salary. But her faith was unwavering. She was fearless under God's wing. This is how I want to be. I want more than just two good manic days before I fall into a spiritual depression again. More Christ-centered things in my life will create a life where He is the focal point naturally rather than something that needs constant reminders.

For a reason or for a season

Last summer I reconnected with a former student of mine who is currently incarcerated. His name is Brandon. When we reconnected, it was good. He wrote me letters - a dozen pages often - about his life change and the things that he went through to become the man he is today. He faces three and a half more years of a prison sentence of almost twenty years, but the man who will walk out of that building will be nothing like the kid who walked in.

I bring this up because Brandon said something to me last summer that made me sad. He said, "Mrs. L - some people come in to your life for a reason, and some come into your life for a season." His acceptance that some people would mean a lot to you today, but their time in your life may be done tomorrow was an attitude I had never encountered or experienced before. Until now.

I'm not talking about the obvious. My husband and I will always be a part of each other's lives, even divorced. We have two humans who will be sure that we see each other quite often, and I feel as if our friendship will change and grow in a different direction. I'm referring to people who have come into my life since our separation - for one reason or another. People who I thought, once I developed strong relationships with them, would stick around because of our common thread - Jesus Christ.

Not so.

I've discovered that even Christians are brought into your life for a reason or for a season. Some stick around because God's plan was for that relationship to be a forever-friendship. Some abandon you after their work is done - to do their work elsewhere or because the outcome wasn't what they had expected. Those who disconnect aren't bad people - they are simply doing what they believe God has intended for them to do. And I am learning to accept that.

I really believed that a person who follows the Lord was one who showed equal amounts of love to every person and was accepting of all differences, but what I am finding is that not all of God's people see Him the way that I see Him or have a relationship with Him the same way I do. And that's okay. I believe that I'm being told to accept and honor that. Does it mean that we continue our friendship in the same fashion? No. What it means is that I thank Him for bringing that person to me to help me grow - not just with presence, but with absence as well.

So during my prayers over the coming weeks, my request is for a new set of warriors to be delivered to me. I already have a good handful, but I need to reach out to them and grow with Him first - and then with them. I'm giddy to discover new people and continue to kindle the fires of my current relationships, and I am thankful to Him for sending me my seasonal friends as well.

Namaste.

Airing my dirty laundry (originally published June 22, 2016)

Ever wonder why some families just seem to have it all together and others seem to be just one big pile of a hot mess? Well, first off, some families are just really good at hiding that hot mess and lying about it – sometimes forever. They use money, power, dynamic behaviors, or other distractions to take our attention from the disaster and put it on their “successes”. Others, however, just hang it all out there because, frankly, the catastrophic incidences are either too big or too many to conceal. Know anybody like this? Are you part of a family like this?

I am. And I love them dearly. But honestly, we are all a hot mess. See? I’m just hanging it all out there. Why not? Don’t be mad, Mom.

Why am I bringing this up? Because this morning while in the midst of yet another study session with my Boundaries book, workbook, and my Bible, I discovered something I needed to share with my extended family. So pass this note on, friends, because it’s big and needs attention! Today’s revelation is on destructive behaviors.

Before December I had no clue what boundaries were in relationships. About the closest I’d ever come to boundaries was when I was a kid and my mom told me that I couldn’t go past the driveway of our neighbor’s house on either side while riding my bike. Boundaries. A way of keeping us close and yet giving us a little freedom, right? 

So as I begun the work on myself in December to demolish my learned behaviors and rebuild with strong emotional and communication boundaries, an entirely new world was revealed to me that I so desperately want to share with all of my unhappy friends (and trust me when I say that more of my friends are discouraged and unhappy than are not). Honestly, this has been tough – mainly because one cannot make changes in one’s life if one believes there’s nothing that needs changing. Truth. 

However.

YOU know if there’s a hot mess happening in your life. YOU know if something is wrong – even if you don’t want to publicly air that dirt – you know. Why?

Because you see the destructive behaviors. They come in the forms of addictions, abuse, or self-harm. They make you sad. They might surface in a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or even you. Just an FYI – these behaviors are NOT normal. They are major red flags that indicate that something is amiss and needed to change yesterday. 

And guess what? You don’t have to display it to the world like me. You can work through it quietly and make changes. 

Let me be very clear, however. You can change YOUR behavior. You cannot change the behavior of another person. You have the freedom to choose what to do, how to feel, and what to think. God gives us all free will, which means that no matter what you do, you cannot change the behavior, feelings, or attitudes of another person. To try to do so would just pour gasoline on those already-nearly-unmanageable flames. And so you make changes in your behavior that may or may not affect others, but ultimately they will make you happier and stronger. Disclaimer – this is probably gonna hurt. A lot.

Addictions run in my family. Not one type – all forms. We have addictive personalities and a plethora of psychological disorders. I, myself, have been diagnosed several times with situational depression and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I struggle with both human and food addictions. Over the last ten months I’ve contemplated suicide twice. I’m a hot mess.

But I looked so good just a year ago, didn’t I?

I’m a gifted deceiver. A clown. Putting on a mask with a smile even though I suffered on the inside. It’s no coincidence that I started my collection of clowns when I was twelve. After collecting upwards of 180 of them, you’d think somebody would have realized the symbolism here.

And the misery came from the collective boundary issues that we have passed down from generation to generation. My parents raised me to their very best ability –doing exactly what they could do with what they had been given, and I LOVE and respect them more today than I EVER have. They learned their boundaries (or lack thereof) from their parents and their parents from theirs and so on . . . 

This is not about passing down addictive personalities or psychological disorders in our DNA, my friends. Although scientifically, I’m positive that somebody could prove to me that we do, indeed, pass this stuff on, I’d like to say that the buck stops here.

I refuse to pass this garbage on to my babies. If you have an immune system that is weak, do you not do everything you can to AVOID illness by eating better, exercising, and taking supplements? If I am susceptible to depression, food disorders, or drug abuse, why would I not do anything in my power to avoid behaviors that would spur those things? Why would I not be proactive about creating a different environment so that my children weren’t exposed to the mess? If I know and do nothing, isn’t that abusive in and of itself?

I vow that from now on, I will teach my children what I’ve learned about myself and what God has done for me to help me to not completely destroy myself. They will learn healthy communication and have it modeled to them over and over again. I promise to teach them how to recognize when others are laying down boundaries and how to be strong and set their own boundaries. I make this pledge to be here while my children wallow through life, making mistakes, and to guide them using my experiences and the Word of God. The cycle must stop somewhere in order for healing to take place. It stops here. 

Imperfectly Beautiful (originally published June 14, 2016)

For days I have been beating myself into a spiritual pulp for my failure to meet God’s perfection. I have boundary problems. Big ones. My biggest one is my human obsession. I fixate on people - strive to please them and make them happy, and eventually I drive them away. It’s a horrible pattern that I’ve pretty much reenacted dozens of times throughout my life. It wasn’t until recently that I’d come to terms with what the problem was and begun working on it.

From my most recent rekindling of my walk with God, I’ve shifted that human obsession to something that is . . . not human. My obsession has been Him and his Word, prayer, and living a life of a woman of God.

One problem here . . .

Part of my human obsession is that I try to maintain perfection in the eyes of whomever I am trying to please. Yes, friends, I have been trying to be perfect in the eyes of God. And failing miserably.

So then began the self-loathing. And it got worse and worse until yesterday it all kind of came to a head, and I spent a majority of the day wandering around in prayer asking Him What next? I cannot shake this obsession, and it’s excruciatingly painful.

It wasn’t until later in the day, during one of my tearful discussions with a close friend that my attention was brought to the fact that God expects imperfection. He knows we will never achieve perfection, and he loves us anyway and forgives us for our shortcomings. Can I really expect to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord? The answer to that is a big fat NO.

My mother was able to recount scriptures where men and women of God fell short and sinned time after time after time and yet they were loved by God. In the book Boundaries, the authors discuss humans as beings who naturally push boundaries, cross lines, and sin. Is it our job to try to walk the straight and narrow? Yes. Absolutely. But the point is, I need to give myself some grace - like God gives me.

He forgives. He accepts my imperfections and calls me beautiful. Who am I to question his acceptance of these flaws? Let the healing begin.