This week started out with two really good days. By really good I mean that I felt like my walk with God was aligned, and the messages he spoke to me were loud and clear. But on Tuesday I had a person, who I thought was a friend, say some mean and judgmental things to me that really jarred me spiritually.

I have spiritual ADHD. Or maybe I am spiritually bipolar. I use these descriptions as a tongue-and-cheek way to describe my walk with Christ right now, but I just can't seem to get aligned and stay there. What is wrong with me??? And the more I stress about it, the worse it gets.

Last night when I fell into bed, I whispered to the Lord, "Father, sleep in tomorrow? Please?" But I fell asleep before he could answer.

I got his answer loud and clear at four o'clock this morning when he woke me up. Really, Lord? 

My alarm went off at five, and it took me about ten minutes to drag myself out of bed, grumbling. But something kept saying NO, get up. At 5:30 I shuffled out to the porch where I spend my morning devotions and prayer, sat down, and opened up Jesus Calling.

Second paragraph:

Be willing to fight for this precious time with me. Opposition comes in many forms: your own desire to linger in bed; the evil one's determination to distract you from me; the pressure of family, friends, and your own inner critic to spend your time more productively. As you grow in your desire to please Me above all else, you gain strength to resist these opponents. Delight yourself in me, for I am the deepest desire of your heart.

Even reading this for the fourth time just now, I continue to make deeper meaning. He is calling me to use my strategies to combat or maybe work with my tendency to allow myself to become distracted during my time with Him. He says fight. It is a fight. As I stated in a previous blog - I am constantly under attack. It's a minute-by-minute struggle to maintain alignment when so many things in my life are not Christ centered. And that's where I need work. 

With a Christ centered life - Him being my focus in every step - those times of adversity will not throw me as much. In fact, I may avoid them altogether. It's only during times of weakness when they will really, truly get to me. I spoke with a woman last night who reminded me of Job. Her husband left her and her two older children, quit his job, moved in with his girlfriend, and left the three of them to find for themselves on a parochial school teacher's salary. But her faith was unwavering. She was fearless under God's wing. This is how I want to be. I want more than just two good manic days before I fall into a spiritual depression again. More Christ-centered things in my life will create a life where He is the focal point naturally rather than something that needs constant reminders.