Put on your armor

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against principality, against power, against the rulers of the darkness of this day. Against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places . . ." This was me. For years. I bet it has been you also at one point, or maybe you're battling now. 

And the difference between my life two years ago and now is that I know what I'm up against now.  Two years ago I had no idea what I was battling or that I was even battling. I think I just figured that life sucked and that I was being sucked into a chasm of depression, hatred, anger, abuse, and a very bleak future. Satan had such a strong hold on me, there was a serious party going on in hell.

And then in December, 2015, God got a hold. Boy, that pissed the devil off, and he's like a two-year-old when you take a toy away. If you think that the enemy messes with you when you're bored, try and turn your back on him! Mercy, me! There are days when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind with the attacks! 

The devil is relentless.

But early on, I encountered a scripture that I ended up just memorizing because I read it so much. Find it. It's Ephesians 6:11-18. Here it is from the New King James version:

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints.

Now I recite this entire scripture when I'm dealing with my fourteen-year-old daughter's smart mouth, my nine-year-old's boundary pushing, my geriatric dog who rolls in poop every chance she gets, and any encounters with people who thrive on pushing others to the brink of insanity. I recite it in the car, in the shower, while I swim laps at the pool, before bed, when I get up, while I'm teaching piano lessons, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, cleaning . . . It is my most recited scripture because I can visualize myself putting on these things and standing before the enemy with Christ by my side and His angels at my back (Have you read Ezekiel or Revelation? Angels are absolutely frightening! I'm glad to have them on my side!)

It's like the meme I've seen floating around online, "The devil whispers in the my ear, 'You're not strong enough to withstand the storm,' and today I whispered back, 'I AM the storm.'"  When I see this meme I get goosebumps, and sometimes I even start to tear up because I know that this is ME when I am feeling strength through Christ and the armor that I've been provided with. I am a woman of battle, ready to fight with my entire being, not just for me but for others.

But the devil is relentless. Relentless.

So this morning I was feeling a little beat-up because I hadn't gotten a fantastic night of sleep, and my kiddos are at their dad's house so the house is not full of life, and what scripture was I led to today? No. Not Ephesians 6. . .

But 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, which I had clearly never read before, or I'd have marked it. It says,

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.

That Paul.  Talk about delivering messages! It's such a beautiful and empowering piece of scripture. Obedience. Warfare. Doing what God tells you. Putting on His armor. Using His weapons. His knowledge is all powerful. And where do I find this knowledge? His Word. Picking up that sword of the spirit, which is the Word of God.

A few weeks ago in my small group class at church we discussed where we were in our daily Bible reading? Desire? Discipline? Delight? I waver between discipline and delight. But today was sheer delight, as I felt a wave of power surge through me at those words. God's words through the pen of Paul.

I've been studying the book of Daniel for the last two months, and the references to the warfare that goes on beyond our visual realm makes me shake in my shoes. What do people do who DON'T put on the armor? No wonder our world is a disaster! Nobody knows what's attacking! They just know that the world is falling apart. Pride has ensnared us, and greed has covered us with it's wicked blanket. Without the FULL armor of God, we can't see to disentangle ourselves from this disaster. We are literally "going to hell in a hand basket", and nothing that we will ourselves to do will change that. Because we are not humanly capable of disarming the devil.

So the next time you're feeling weak, trampled upon, beat up, or just flat out exhausted by your uphill battle - crack open your Bible, phone, iPad, laptop and find Ephesians 6:11 and start reciting OUT LOUD the armor or God. Arm yourself. Trust me.

Look at me! Remember me? The basket case from two years ago? If you don't remember what kind of disaster I was, you can always go back to my early blogs and read about what a mess I really was. I won't erase them, because hopefully somebody will go to them and read them and see just what kind of work God has done in my life. God's forgiveness, sacrifice, love, and acceptance brought me back, but His armor protects me daily from the attacks of the insanely jealous enemy who wishes he could get me back.

Not today, satan. Not today.

Getting over resentment

It's been a while since I've written. I was afraid.

That's the truth. See, after peeling the layers back and peeling the layers back and peeling them back again, I've discovered that the me underneath is afraid. I thought I had conquered a lot of it, and I'm still trying to decide if this fear that I'm feeling is new fear that I haven't faced yet or if Satan has found a new way to attack me with old fears.

I can't imagine there's much more of me left to expose, honestly. Funny thing is, the more I expose, the fatter I get - and I mean that physically and truthfully. Since I started digging into my fears and addictions, I started gaining weight. I'm about fifty-five pounds up, and trying hard to put the brakes on it. But for some reason I'm having a really tough time putting down my fork to pray.

For several days now I've woken up with an icky feeling - like I was angry or resentful toward people. I've considered from where this might be stemming, and this morning I decided I needed to tackle the issue.

I looked up resentment in the back of my Bible - nothing. So my next idea was to look up "scripture about resentment" on Google. I started finding scripture and blogs about overcoming resentment, and frankly, it made me a little resentful . . .

Often I run across scripture that tells me what I should or shouldn't do, but there's not "how to". Much of what I read basically gave scripture on what God says about anger and resentment, but I felt like it wasn't practical. I kind of wanted to know what to DO about it. Not "do not allow your anger to rule you"  or "Get rid of your resentment." (Ephesians 4:31 & James 1:19-20) That's not helpful to me.

As I read, however, I started to pray that God would help me to hear his message, and it was like a light switch was flipped.  I realized that God was speaking to me through the Word, the words of the people blogging, and through His Holy Spirit. This morning I vowed to follow through on some of these suggestions. Here is what I found on how to conquer fear and resentment:

1. Forgive. This is much easier to say than do, but even just asking God to help you forgive the person helps. If the person who has wronged you as apologized, PLEASE accept the apology and consider verbally forgiving him or her.
2. Serve/Give. Using your time and/or money to serve others has several benefits. First off, we are all rewarded for giving with a loving heart. Second, it puts our minds on others and takes them off ourselves. It also makes us humble. 
3. Express anger in a way that is productive. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
4. Don't Sleep on it. Pray that God would allow you to forgive and move on. 
5. Love - even your enemies. (Matthew 5:44) Pray long and hard about this one - God does answer those prayers, but you have to really WANT it to happen. This is the hardest one for me.
6. Do good for the person who has wronged you. It confuses them and will get their attention. It may be just what you need to be a good witness. (Romans 12:17-21)
7. Support others who need support. This will focus your attention on someone other than yourself. (1 Thessalonians 5:9-11)

I've been on an antidepressant for a year, and I'm thankful that God provided the medication to help me to get through the dark time of my life without cutting my own life short. About three weeks ago, my doctor and I began tapering the meds to wean me off. I'm feeling it. It's like I've been drinking soft water for a year, and now we are slowly adding unsoftened tap water or spring water back into my life. Things are clearer. I'm feeling a little harder. It's unfun.

God promises to clear out all of the garbage. He promises to carry us through and take away that resentment if we let him. It's a choice we have to make. I spent years carrying around resentment that I had no business carrying around, and apparently I'm still working through some of it. I will forever be a work in progress, but as I recently told my daughter last night - if you can look back at yourself a year ago and see a positive difference between then and now, then you're heading in the right direction.

Recently a good friend of mine told me that the opposite of fear is faith. Finding faith to conquer that fear is hard, but if I plan on moving forward I need to muster it up, take up the whole armor of God, and fight. (Ephesians 6:12-17)

A different perspective on Mother's Day

I spent a lengthy amount of time being a bitter woman this last week. Mother's Day loomed, and this would be the first Mother's Day I would be at the mercy of my ex-husband in terms of the kids. My kids had never really been given a great model of appreciation by either one of us in terms of Mother's or Father's Day or birthdays for that matter. They had become obligatory gift-giving days, and they were stressful for me because I always had to tell him what I wanted - and I always felt selfish asking for things. Then the stress of buying him a gift became what could I buy him that he wouldn't either just go out and buy for himself OR that I wouldn't screw up because it was the wrong one.

Last week, the anger grew, and I really wanted nothing to do with Mother's Day. It seemed pointless, and I expressed as much to my small group and to my boyfriend (who was trying so hard to say the right things). I finally had gotten myself so worked up about it, that I gave in (God wiped his brow at this point and said, "It's about time!") and we prayed about it together Wednesday night.

Thursday morning I woke up, and God's peace had enveloped me. I had clearly missed the point of Mother's Day. I got up, pulled out my journal, and wrote this:

Without God's grace, love, and compassion would I be a mother? Would I have the admiration and unconditional love from my babies? No. Mother's Day is not about honoring moms. It's for all of us to be thankful for the relationship between mom and child. For moms to praise God for the honor of raising sons and daughters of God, and for children to thank Him for the arms of their mothers. God is at the helm of every relationship, and it is our responsibility to keep Him there. Whoa. Praise be to the Living God.

I texted my mom and told her that whatever she needed me to do for her on Mother's Day, I would be there to do it after church. I knew that my Mother's Day wasn't about being honored as a mom but about serving and doing it with a joyful heart. God has gifted me the honor of motherhood.

Once I let go of the bitterness of the day, it became the best Mother's Day I had ever had. My sweet boyfriend stayed up past his bedtime (he works midnights) just so he could take me to church this morning. I got some of my own gardening done. And you know something? My kids came to me from their Dad's with a tiny rosebush and Reeces peanut butter cups. He modeled thoughtfulness to the kids, and that, in itself, is the best of all of the gifts I was given today. Knowing my babies are being taught to think about others. Somehow, in all of our fast-flowing, stuff-chasing life - we had missed the mark on this one, and now we are all learning how to treat others.

Happy Mother's Day, friends. Much love . . .

Before you can love others you must first . . .

love yourself, right? Well, that's that mantra I've been chanting to myself for years. In fact, after pretending to love myself for so long and then being told flat out yesterday at church that this thought is WRONG I spent a day back in that old familiar place of self-loathing. It wasn't a fun place. It never is, and yet I visit it on occasion still - for whatever reason.

In fact, yesterday's message at church did not set well with me at ALL. I think I may have even left the church pissed off. I brought a girlfriend with me who cried during the message because of some things that hit home for her, and honestly, after that introduction all I could do is pick the message apart.

But what really fired me up was Pastor MacDonald's report on self esteem in kids. He reported that kids' self esteem has never been better, and yet look how poorly kids are doing in school. I just about got up and walked out, I was so enraged. As a public educator in the middle school for eighteen years, his claim couldn't be further from the truth. It was an overgeneralized statement meant to make a point, but I had to wipe the anger off my face before I could spend the rest of the day stewing over all that he had said. I was hurt by the fact that yet one more person measured success of schools with test scores. It was just so frustrating to hear.

Twenty-one hours later I have finally been able to process and understand and even appreciate the message so much that I felt it was blog-worthy. I talked to my boyfriend, my mom, a former spiritual mentor, and my small group from my Bible study. I journaled twice and I prayed. I prayed that God would use this as a learning tool for me because otherwise - what was the point of this experience?

And he did.

Self-love is a mis-represented topic. To love oneself, in my opinion, is to respect oneself and be happy with one's circumstances without having to cope or pacify. Thing is, we don't even realize we are doing it. One example is my compulsive eating or my addiction to food. When things start to put me in a mood other than joyful I reach for a jar of peanut butter or a bag of chocolate chips or cold pizza and eat my way through it. I used to grab my phone and splatter my thoughts and feelings all over social media and then watch as the likes came through or wait for comments to validate my feelings in the experience. Thankfully, through the strength that Christ has given me, I have beaten the social media addiction, but the food? Well, let's just say God's still dealing with me on that one.

My boyfriend and I have talked so much about Satan's biggest tool to cut through us - fear. Fear of change, fear of not having enough, fear of committing, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of abandonment. Fear, fear, fear. One of my favorite pieces of scripture is 1 John 4:18. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

Now go back to the idea of kids' self esteem. I worked in a public middle school for eighteen long years. I learned a lot about how adolescents see themselves, and it ain't pretty. Overall, one of the fears I encountered with many of them is not being accepted. The boys dealt with it by being snarky and sarcastic, swearing, and bullying each other. The girls dealt with it by wearing clothing that just crossed the line in terms of appropriateness and by hugging everything that crossed their paths. And they were all attached to their devices. Almost one hundred percent of them had them; many carried them with them during the day (even though it was against the rules) like toddlers with security blankets, teddy bears, or a binkies.

Now, I'm overgeneralizing obviously. But hopefully you're seeing the point. We have a lot of kids out there who are not comfortable in their own skins. Many hate themselves - the way they look or how they are perceived or their abilities. Most don't know that hard work usually helps because they've been taught to pacify to feel good. Like Pastor MacDonald said in yesterday's message - they get trophies for not winning and they are praised for doing what they're supposed to do. Without those "stamps of approval" we have stolen their ability to feel good about themselves when the rewards stop.

We have stolen their ability to be independent and given them coping mechanisms in the forms of food, social  media, video games, drugs, personal intimacy. Now they can make themselves feel good without us, but at what cost?

They, just like us, need God's perfect love to make them whole and take away that need to fill their lives with idols and addictions. Their brains are starved for the connections that God's love fills them with, and so they turn elsewhere because, honestly, the Christian walk is not a piece of cake, and society has created a stigma about Christianity. It's hard, and we've stolen the lessons of hard work away from them also. To work hard at something it so uncommon nowadays because most things are instantaneous and at our disposal. I used to work for a company that sold term papers to students under the guise of selling them to teachers as "examples". I know how easy it is to get what you need without working for it. How many times have my kids said, "Can't you just order it on Amazon?" They have no idea that the $130 that it costs to purchase that thing they want me to order is equivalent to five piano students for me. What am I doing to my children?

My current study in the Boundaries book (this is my third time through this book) has led to me to Boundaries for Kids, and boy oh boy, do we need that here! My job now, though, seems to be a little more than just drawing boundaries and open communication. It's to hit my kids in a place where they are going to need to stop relying on those pacifiers, addictions, and coping skills and be open to receiving the perfect love of God. His mercy and grace can eventually dissolve the fears my kiddos have.

What an amazing almost-twenty-four-hours of learning! I'm so blessed by His teaching, the people in my life willing to listen as I process, and the means to write this blog post. So instead of saying Before you can love others, you must first love yourself, perhaps we should be saying Before you can love others, you must first accept God's perfect love.

Much love.

I am kintsugi

Last summer I heard a message at church that introduced to me the word kintsugi. I had been unfamiliar with he word, as I am not an artist, not really an appreciator of fine art, nor am I huge into Japanese culture. In fact, it's funny how things stand out to me in a church message that may or may not have anything to do with what the message was really about, but that's what I took from it. I love hearing others' take on messages that we hear together, and what spoke to them and what didn't.

http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2014/05/kintsugi-the-art-of-broken-pieces/

Kintsugi is a Japanese method of repairing pottery with an adhesive or laquer mixed with gold powder. Instead of hiding the cracks, the cracks are enhanced with gold lines. The idea is to bring out the breakage as a part of the piece's history but to create a more beautiful piece than how it began.

Today I was reading in Colossians 3:14. The verse says, "But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection." Since hearing the message last summer, I've always believed that I could relate easily to kintsugi, but what I see this morning is exactly what finally made me who I am today. For my entire life, I put on things that I thought were love. I filled my piece of pottery with lust, success, acceptance, temporary happiness, material things, people, food, money, vacations, my children, social media, etc. It was like I was filling it with things that rotted, got old, got eaten by the dog or my kids, or shattered when the piece finally broke from too much careless use.

It wasn't until I either had to toss the piece in the trash, thus destroying myself completely, or put it back together that I realized that something needed to change. I'd never be the same anyway because I was broken, and for whatever reason, God found me shortly after I had been lying on the floor in pieces trying to pull myself together enough to decide on the next steps.

So little-by-little, step-by-step, piece-by-piece - when I finally conceded to bend to His will, His perfect love, the bond that can never be broken, began sealing gaps and putting the pieces back together. Pottery cannot fix itself after it is broken. Just like we cannot fix ourselves after we are broken. Without the help of the one true God, I was looking at either trying to do it myself (which happens to those of us who are ashamed and do not want to bring our faults to light) or relying on our support people. Friends, I don't care how many amazing support people I had, it was not going to work until I allowed God to do His work and mix that cement with the gold dust of His love.

So I did.

And here I am. Kintsugi.

On expectations and disappointments

God has really been dealing with me over this last month. Lent has ended, and I really was hoping to catch a break, but I feel like my learning and changing moves forward faster than it did during that time of reflection. Like perhaps my Lenten time was preparing me for the real changes about to take place.

The list of themes for my morning devotions grows longer, and yet they're all related if you really take a good look at them.

• Idolatry*
• Fear
• Forgiveness
• Pride*
• God's Perfect Love
• Boundaries

I starred idolatry and pride because I really had no idea why those were even on the list, but time has proven a good teacher as I continue to peel back the layers of my boundary-less life to discover enough idolatry and pride for a small town full of people.

Recently I have had a few disappointments of which I was unable to really pinpoint the source. I understood the physical world source (people being human), but for the life of me, I was unable to understand why I was so emotionally distraught by the situations. Because of the level of disappointment, instead of heading into prayer and fasting as I probably should have, I ate half a pizza, drank Coke, and stopped counting points - my old "go to" idol to pacify myself for a while. What was I afraid of? Why was I too proud to accept God's Perfect Love and just let Him deal with it? Why couldn't I just let it go?

I had pointed out a few things to a close friend last week - on her high expectations for others and her my perception of her lack of trust, but last Friday when I was driving to my counseling appointment (this couldn't have come at a better time) I realized I was pointing these things out to MYSELF. This always happens! Recognizing others' character flaws before understanding the reason I can recognize them so easily is because I know them so well! UGH!

I really had thought that I had let go a lot of my high expectations for others. To be fair, I think I have. I don't let a lot of what others do bother me like I used to. I used to just rant like a lunatic when somebody lacked common sense to do something they should clearly be able to do. Even those who constantly chip away at my sanity have a significantly smaller effect on me than they had in the past. But apparently there are some underlying expectations I had for others I didn't even know I had until last week.

I'm still a people pleaser, although I definitely monitor myself a lot more than I ever have. Last week I hurt my friend - a sister in Christ, and the remorse I felt was so deep, I wanted to suck back a lot of what I had said, but I know that's not how life works. I apologized in front of the group - to the group and to her. And although some of the group sort of acknowledged my apology, I had a tough time for days afterwards because not one person accepted my apology or forgave me outwardly. Not one.

For some reason this hurt me to the core, and I was sucked into several days of self-loathing, which I know is not from God but from the enemy himself. I can identify the attacks from Satan now pretty easily, and I knew what was coming, but for some reason I just couldn't muster up the energy to take up my Shield of Faith and Sword of the Spirit and meet him head on. I was already drained and exhausted.

So I let the devil beat up on me for a few days. Until yesterday when I actually had a day where I wasn't running all over creation. When my prayer timer went off (yes, I set a timer to go off throughout the day so I can stop and pray) I actually sat down and prayed out loud two or three times during the afternoon while I was doing laundry and vacuuming. No reading. No music. Just an honest and raw conversation with the Lord to ask Him to bless those whose behavior was hurtful to me and, more importantly, for me to be able to openly and honestly communicate what I need to others.

I practiced this with my boyfriend this weekend. I told him that I'm going to try and be more conscious about apologizing, but when I do apologize, I'd like to hear him acknowledge it and accept it. For some reason I need that right now. And guess what??? I did. And he did, and it made a difference! But now how do I communicate that to others? Or do I? It seems like a big request and a high expectation.

Back to prayerfully contemplating this one. I am thankful to the Lord for filling my heart and soul with His word, and at times when I accept it, His perfect love.

Today's graven images

For lent I gave up Facebook and sugar. It's going well, but part of that Lenten process was for me to pick up some different, better habits, and I feel like it has drawn me closer to God. I pray more often during the day, and I'm more focused. But one thing I know God told me at the beginning of Lent was that He wanted me to write more often. And then my computer broke...

So I started writing by hand, journaling a lot, and processing my reading each morning through hand written pages. It was frustrating for a number of reasons. My handwriting is hard to read, first off. Also my brain has gone into overdrive since I've started typing so much, and I seem to be able to process much faster, but my hand doesn't move that fast with a pencil. I had to really slow down.

At the end of February I began to notice a pattern in my reading, messages I was receiving through church or podcasts, books that I had been reading. Idolatry. Specifically I was reading a novel about Hezekiah's childhood up through his reign as king. At one point, Hezekiah and his grandfather Ezekiel were in conversation about idolatry. Hezekiah refused to worship any God. He was trained by an Egyptian scholar who also worshiped nothing. Or so they thought . . . but as the conversation went, Ezekiel was able to explain to Hezekiah that what you worship doesn't have to be an idol or another thing proclaiming itself as a deity. If you put anything in front of your relationship with God, it is your idol. Your graven image. For Hezekiah it was his knowledge and his education.

Whoa.

I went back to the book study that I had done with church on the book Breathing Underwater by Richard Rohr. And immediately I felt compelled to make a list of things that I tended to put in front of my relationship with God. I found that food (my number one nemesis), relationships with certain people including my children, time, money, knowledge, the future, and my physical body seemed to consume me at times. I wasn't expecting this list to be so long, honestly, because at the time I read that book, I had focused so much on food. I had no idea that I am actually more consumed by other things than I had imagined.

The very next day, God told me to start going through the Bible and looking up scriptures on those things. Food was first, and so I did. This took me over a week because once I started reading one verse, I realized how pertinent the entire chapter or few chapters were. And do you know what I found??? Every scripture I found on this segment of my life had nothing to do with food and how I should deal with it. They all told me the same thing. Give. Give openly, freely, and with love. Not give food. Just give. Give and it will fill you with love. I realized that the perfect love that I'd been seeking had been stifled because I was keeping things to myself.

God was telling me that sharing (with boundaries, of course) is of Him, and I'll be filled with his love as I do it. I feel like my issues with food stem from selfishness. That was my first idol.

Well this morning I was reading and writing again, and I was led to Proverbs 9 - a chapter on wisdom and foolishness. I conversation I had with a very dear friend this morning made me look up foolishness because of the wild behavior of her neighbor. In Proverbs, Solomon writes that a wise person will teach wise people. That attempting to correct wicked or foolish people will only cause us insult and hurt.

I was immediately brought back to my days as a teacher in the public ed system, and the number of kids who did not want to be there, could have cared less if they got an A or an F, and really had better things to do. Hear me when I say that I do not believe that the public ed system teaches wisdom, because I most certainly do not. But what I am saying is that if you were to go to any of those kids in my classroom and offer to release them, at least eighty percent of them would go home and stay there. They'd pull out their phones, computers, game systems, and they'd plug in. They saw no value in what they were learning and they had better things to do.

My own children drive me nuts with the phones, computers, WiiU, PlayStation, etc. When the WiFi goes down, it is a national disaster, and Jesus himself could be sitting at my piano bench - they WILL interrupt me to tell me and ask me to fix it.

We wonder why we can't engage our children in conversation? We wonder why they choose to skip homework? We wonder why they're not curious. We wonder why church is not enticing to them. Take a look at what they hold in their hands for hours. I was convicted by this thought. There lies their idol, friends. Today's technology is the answer to everything - and it is the piece that will destroy us as well. Millions of human beings already exhibit physiological symptoms of addiction to their tech. Try it. Try unplugging for 24 hours.

Even giving up Facebook for lent for me threw me for a loop. My email box is cleaner now, as I still reach for my phone unconsciously to look at it. Is that really what I want? Is that what God wants? It is unlikely we are going to find him in that little hunk of circuits and bright screen. God is not in YouTube and he's not in Candy Crush. He's not on Facebook, and he's not on Instagram.

He is all around us. His Word contains life's wisdom. Open it up, friends. Put down the phone. Face your idols and ask His Spirit to take control of that aspect of your life and the lives of your children.

What are your idols? What does the Bible say about them? How can you ask God to help you to set them aside and put Him first again?

Namaste.

Beauty from Messes by way of David

More and more often, I'm being led to Old Testament scriptures, and I know exactly why. I had been refusing to read the Old Testament because I was afraid of the God of that time. He seems so wrathful and scary, but with my new devotions and some discussions I've had with others, I am finding myself digging into the books of Daniel and the Samuels. I'm being taught how to read and apply, and today I want to share some things about David and the way that God worked in his life.

I am drawn to scripture that discusses sins of the flesh for the simple reason that I have been there, and I want to know more about how God heals us from the pain of those sins we commit. Today I was led to David's seduction of Bathsheba. David, a man of God, sees this beautiful woman whose hubby is off at war fighting HIS war and he seduces her and gets her pregnant. And THEN . . . then he tries to cover it up by bringing her husband home and encouraging him to go sleep with her so that her husband would think the baby was his. Adultery, betrayal, lying, manipulation. None of them worked, and the man went back to war. As if that wasn't enough, David had her husband put on the front lines so that he would be killed and David could marry Bathsheba. I wasn't sure, at this point, whether he married her because he wanted her, he loved her, or because he wanted to cover up his sin. Maybe a little bit of all three . . .

But the baby was born, and God was not happy with David. There seemed to be no remorse.

Ohhhhhhh I've been there too.

And things got worse.

After being led to his errors by Nathan, David repented in front of the Lord, and the Lord forgave him. Sadly for David, the child born out of adultery became ill, and after David fasted and prayed for seven days, died.

After the death of the child, David went to comfort Bathsheba for the loss of her child, picked himself up by his bootstraps, and moved on - clearly more focused on his walk with the Lord. And soon after the Lord gave him another child by Bathsheba. And God was pleased.

At first glance, this is a story about adultery, something I am versed in quite clearly. But this story is so much more than a "shame on you" story. I learned several things from the word of God here . . .

1. David was a man of God. He sinned. Multiple times. Everybody sins. Even men of God.
2. Trying to cover up a sin leads to more sin. Kind of like trying to cover up a lie leads to more lies. Stop while you're ahead, or you're going to make it so much worse.
3. Eventually, doing things according to our will and not His will reap disaster and pain for more than just you. David lost a child due to his attempting to handle things on his own.
4. For healing to begin, repentance must take place.
5. Accept our faults, heal, and move on. Do not dwell.
6. God will make beauty from messes if we ask.

Each of these six points can be easily applied to my life. I sinned. I keep sinning - even though I try not to. I tried to cover up my infidelity for months which led to lies and more sin. I tried doing things according to my will - yeah, that didn't work out so well. It drove me down a very dark path that, honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to come back from . . . it was dark down there, and the hands that held me down were strong. I hurt myself and wounded my husband, my children, our families, even the other man I loved. I lost my entire life as I knew it, and at several points, I thought I was going to die. And finally I heard Jesus calling me . . . felt his forgiveness. I repented and began to work on me - to figure out why I'd been unhappy and lonely for so long.

The hardest part was accepting my faults and not dwelling on the hurt that I had caused everybody. Even now, over a year later, I have to bounce my thoughts away from it or I will end up back in that dark place of self-loathing.

But today God has made beauty from the mess that I made. Do I hurt? Yes. I miss my children something fierce when they go to their dad's house. That is my permanent consequence for my actions, but I am accepting it and even asking God to help me to use that time to honor him. I've lost my best friend in my sister-in-law and a friend in my ex-husband. I've lost relationships that I cherished.

But I've gained a strong relationship with Christ, a desire to become a healthy woman - both inside and out, bonds with healthy women who keep me accountable, a stronger relationship with my parents and siblings, control of my own life for the first time, love for myself, and a Christ-centered relationship with a man who is now a man of God himself.

I am broken, but I am glued together with the gold that only God can provide. I am kintsugi. I am not lonely. I am happy. I am gaining health. I am accountable. I am a provider. I am healing. I am still a sinner, but I work hard at being a woman of whom God would be proud. I am a healer now. I am called to share my story so that others can be drawn to Him and his healing and forgiving power. Never. Ever. In my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined I'd be in this place today. This is the beauty that He has created from my mess.

Our responsibility to society and to our children

Romans 12 is my favorite scripture currently. Yesterday morning I spent some time processing through it and making connections because I felt that the message in it is so powerful. It speaks to me because of my current career situation, but I also believe that it has a bigger, more powerful message to speak to the people of every developed country.

The chapter speaks specifically about responsibility toward society. Paul is giving God's command as to how our society should piece together and operate. How no member of any society is any better and how we should all be working together for the common good. 

God has given each person a gift, or maybe a few gifts. Because this is a God given gift, he expects us to use the gift to glorify him. 

So right away I see a HUGE problem with the way I experience life. If I'm reading this scripture correctly, some people will be born to be teachers. Some protectors. Some givers. Some people will be born with a talent to lead or write or sing or create beautiful works of art. Some will be born with an innate ability to build or calculate or discover. God has created just enough people to do the right amount of work according to their God-given talent, and once a person discovers what that ability or talent is and can begin using it to glorify him - alignment and ultimate bliss becomes the norm.

If this is the case, how did our education system get so screwed up? How are we not looking into the Bible to realize that even two thousand years ago Paul was telling us that all men are not necessarily created "equal". We are created equal in God's eyes and are all loved unconditionally - but we are all vastly different, and therefore we need to experience life differently - including how we are educated. What we need to have is a system that helps us to discover our God-given talents and abilities and then helps us to develop them.

Instead what we have is a system that is broken and has been broken for hundreds of years. A system where we make an attempt to fit billions of square pegs into round holes for the sake of "equality", "opportunity", and "citizenry". I call Bull.

We have broken billions of people because we have tried to undo God's plan for them.

Years ago I read Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh. I cannot, for the life of me, find my copy of that book, but I recall a question that God answered about humanity and his plan for how we should live, and God specifically speaks about how he envisions life to be. He, again, speaks of people's true talents and abilities as the way they should be living life. That if each of us used what God gave us first, the puzzle would piece together, and there would be enough people doing each and every job that we would never be without.

But instead we start teaching our 3-year-olds how to read by memorizing words and pictures so that they can "get a head start" on the others. We reward those who excel at reading, writing, and math with art, music, recess, and social time while those square pegs get their talent areas taken away so they can develop in areas they have no business developing because they are not cognitively ready like their peers are.

All children are not created equal. They are all beautiful and important in the eyes of God, but listen to me when I tell you that we have created a society that has destroyed itself because we have forgotten that we have claimed to have been created by the grace of God. If God's grace gave us this promised land, then why have we used man's will, greed, and need for power to destroy it and the people who populate it? Every. Single. One.

As an adult I chose my livelihood partly on what I wanted to do, but when it came down to it - money, benefits, outlook, and chance of advancement were my ultimate goals. And I began to crash about fifteen years into it. 

What did you love as a child? What passions did you have? What were you really good at? How do those things weave into your life today? If they don't, think again about where you should be. Is this really your place, or does God have a different plan for you? I know I've been praying for guidance and will continue to pray as the beauty of my life finally begins to unfold. 

Perhaps you should too. For what better model for your children than to allow them to see you be what God has created you to be! Namaste.