Why does my enoughness matter?

There are five lies that came about this morning while I was praying -- five lies that I'm guessing many of my friends have heard somehow, somewhere before. Many of those lies literally RULE our lives, and we have no idea how to break that pattern or even that the pattern is destructive or even that there IS a pattern. God speaks to us when we listen, and this morning I was yearning to listen. Every single one of these lies I believe. Every day. 

God is asking me to believe His truth rather than my lies. And I'm hearing Him ask me to urge you to do the same. 

To be clear - I am not fixed now that I wrote these lies on a white board in my dining room. I'm incredibly broken - about as broken as I have ever been. And I've been begging the Lord for weeks to help me out of this abyss I seem to have fallen into this Christmas season - of all seasons. But maybe this is where God wants me to be so that I can embrace the season with more urgency than ever before.

In each of the lies I wrote down this morning, a common word is found. 

1. I don't have enough (time, talent, money, stuff...).
2. My problems aren't bad enough (to talk about).
3. I'm not important enough (for people to listen).
4. I'm not good enough (at anything to matter).
5. I'm not doing enough (for people to care about me OR for people to know I care about them). 

Enough. Enough enough. I have had enough. What is this word and why is it even spelled the way it is? And why has it caused so much anguish for so many people in our culture?

I could give you a run down of truths in the Bible that tell us that the lies are false, but sometimes, even knowing that the Sword of God exists isn't enough (see what I did there?) to urge us to pick it up and believe these truths. I can tell you that there are scriptures that combat EVERY SINGLE ONE of these lies, and yet what good would it do if you didn't have enough energy to look them up or faith to really wrap your head around the meaning?

It would do zero good.

And so I am going to do none of that. But I will tell you that distractions won't work. Watching TV, scrolling Facebook, YouTube, memes, alcohol, sex, exercise, reading self-help books, listening to music -- none of it will work long term to put you in a place where you will believe God's truths 100% of the time and stop believing those lies. 

The Psalms are a very good place to park for a while. Sitting in silence with a notebook and pen in hand is also helpful. Doing things that still your soul - even exercise if you can do it for the soul purpose of connecting with God - is a good place to start. Deep breathing a prayer for five minutes, talking out loud to God and telling him you have no idea even where to start . . . . also good. Give God some space to fill your brain with truths and stop filling it with what others say.

But know this. You. Are. Not. Alone. And you do have enough. And your problems are bad enough to share with somebody. And your are important enough for others to listen to those problems. You're good enough at something to matter to somebody - because God is somebody. And you're doing enough because somebody feels cared-for by you today. And somebody loves you. Regardless of how you see people - God loves you. And he's bigger than all of it. And that, friend, stills my soul.

The sin cycle as applied to a church pianist

Last weekend our pastor delivered a message that hit me in a few different places. One thing that I’ve been sitting in for a few days has been the cycle that the Hebrews got themselves in during the Old Testament. The five steps of this cycle were 1. Disobedience 2. Oppression 3. Prayer 4. Deliverance and then 5. Peace.

Step five is an interesting step because that’s the comfortable stage (and a highly relatable stage) — where we can sometimes forget what it was like on step two, or we probably wouldn’t go back to step one.  But we do it anyway because peace produces apathy, and the cycle starts over again. Pastor Jim was speaking specifically about the Hebrews in the book of Judges, but something hit me yesterday morning as I was sitting at the piano during mass. 

I consider myself to be a fairly self-aware person — noticing when things are not how they should be, and often pinpointing correctly where something went wrong and why. This has taken a lot of therapy, prayer, and work on my part — not to mention God’s grace, but apparently it is not fool proof (by no fault of God, I must point out). I’m not a very confident pianist, mainly because my skills are inferior to my “equals” at the church, and I don’t dedicate hours of my day to practice like many do. My forte (see what I did there?) is teaching, not playing. But for some reason I got roped into staying at a sub gig that I was begged to take at a nearby Catholic Church (piano players are hard to find, apparently). 

Because I was not confident and apparently a super workable person, the music director was gracious, and he did his best to keep me happy by choosing from a group of hymns whenever I played, and he did his best to prep me in advance if we had to change the mass. Once or twice he forgot to tell me the mass was changing, and he just let me play the old mass so he didn’t push me over the edge of the cliff on which I was already playing.  I can recall sitting during quiet times in mass literally praying with fingers on the keys, playing the pieces in my head so that I could get extra practice time in while the priest was delivering his message.

Then one day it stopped. Going completely unnoticed, I no longer needed to pray and practice silently during mass. I ran the pieces during the week a few times after I received the list of hymns (usually on a Friday for Sunday mass), but I was so comfortable that being on top of practice and having my head in the game and on the Lord was less important that it had been. 

Then our music director resigned.

And my apathy soon produced disobedience. Somebody changed the entire mass (to one I had never played) on a Thursday to be ready by Sunday and then sent me a list of hymns which were unfamiliar. I flipped my lid. At first I refused to play the mass. Then when I received it I realized it wasn’t horrible, but I was still angry as all get out because I had so much new music to learn. Never mind it happened on Thanksgiving weekend when I had almost an entire Saturday off to learn it. I was angry. My plans for the weekend were to decorate for Christmas. But now that had to take a step back to my job as an accompanist to worship leadership. Disobedience.

Sunday morning I sat at the piano, praying and playing in my head - fingers flying across the keys as the priest delivered his message. And it was at this moment that something hit me. I had been ignorant of my apathy. Much like the Hebrews after God had given them the promised land. They still disobeyed because of apathy caused by peace in their lives and in their souls. Something about peace causes us to start to forget how we got there in the first place. How is this possible? I don’t know how or why, but sometimes God allows us to ask questions for a long time before He answers them. 

Applying this lesson to my life in other areas, including homeschooling, teaching piano, being a wife, mom and friend - will sharpen me, prune me, and fill me up. That Pastor Jim — always in tuned with what I needed to hear at that particular moment. 

Labyrinth

Today I had an experience that I didn't really want to shout to the world, but I also wanted to remember it vividly and use it to help others struggling with fear the way I am.

Recently I've been pushed to challenge my fear of anything mindfulness. For those who don't know, my previous marriage disintegrated from 2005 to its demise in 2015, and during that time, our family had really immersed itself into mindfulness, touched on mysticism, and just any alternate forms of spirituality. Although the cracks in the marriage itself aren't a direct result of mindfulness spirituality (that happened due to my lack of boundaries and selfishness), anything mindfulness (meditation, yoga, affirmations, just sitting quietly, acceptance, "flowing down river", quiet piano music, even Oprah!) scares the crumbs out of me because now that I have Jesus, I don't want ANYTHING swaying me or trying to sway me from Him. He's my rock.

So . . . . fear. Of everything pretty much.

For three and a half years (since my rebirth in Christ) I have put up great walls: refused to listen to anything other than Christian music, only watch movies with a Christian theme, read Christian books (fiction or non), leaned toward Christian friends. Some say "stuck up" or "secluded". I say "scared".

During my women's group this week we were challenged to explore the idea of a labyrinth. Now this is after the breathing exercise we did before our breakout session Tuesday night. The breathing session which took me about an hour to pull myself back from the cliff because all I could visualize was the breathing exercises that I did during times of fear, anger, grief when I had my back firmly turned on my Jesus and my feet firmly planted in mindfulness.

Labyrinth's, to me, had always had a mystic feeling to them. There was always some reason why a labyrinth felt eerie. One reason for this feeling is because I had always used the words labyrinth and maze synonymously - and maze just draws up a LOT of horrid thoughts- mainly, the idea of being lost. But after researching, I discovered the difference between the two. A true labyrinth has only one way through, with no trickery. Just a path. After more research, I also discovered that the floors of old cathedrals across Europe and the Americas often sported labyrinths for people to use to walk and pray. And yet there were also many pagan origins of labyrinths as well. And then I was lead back to the book of Romans 14, which rocked me to my core this morning.

I've READ and applied this chapter many times over, but today it spoke deeply to me. Verses five through eight read

 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

There's no rule that says you can or cannot walk a labyrinth. There's no rule that says don't meditate, affirm, or do yoga. All God wants is you to glorify him with your whole heart. The labyrinth, in Christian history, was used to walk and pray - to keep one focused on the path to the middle. To meet with God, dwell in the center, and then bask in the beauty of the experience on the way back. It meant so many other things to the pagans, but for the Christians (who often take pagan fads and make them God-glorifying, even today) it was a way to draw closer to God.

I don't have a labyrinth. I wish I did because I so desperately want to try one now (A trip to a Chicago cathedral is in my future this winter). But I do have a bike, and we have a trail. My plan was to ride about 2 1/2 miles into a neighborhood, stop and rest and pray and then ride back.

God had other plans.

I have a history with this trail. I used to ride this trail about fifteen miles daily in the summer of 2015. Part of my ride would be crying, listening to very loud music that was meant to empower me, and then listening to books on my phone. The last book I read on my phone was Fifty Shades of Gray. Yep, while I was biking. I think I read the first two books before I was discovered meeting my boyfriend on the trail on my way out.

Then my bike rides . . . and my life . . . stopped.

Today I rode my bike out, intent on taking a left turn onto the trail that would lead me into neighborhoods across Orchard Road, but the Spirit kept nudging me and then literally kicked me right. And off I went. Down the trail I haven't ridden in four years.

Today I wasn't wearing headphones, so I was free to be mindful of the sounds of the trail, including the birds, wind in the trees, pounding footsteps of runners in front of and behind me. Because my mind was not distracted by a story plot or a song to empower me, I was also free to be mindful to watch carefully where I was riding - in fact it was safer that way because the trail was wet, and there were acorns and apples I had to avoid. That caused me to feel the water hitting my back or being thrown up from my front tire and hitting my shirt. I was being mindful, and I knew my goal was to get to about two-and-a-half miles and turn back.

As I was riding, I wondered if God would stop me at the top of the bridge over Galena. I thought it would have been pretty poetic if He had because it was the top of the bridge - like climbing a mountain or jumping a hurdle. But no - he kept me going, past the church and a set of teenage boys walking the trail. Past walkers with dogs and a runner . . . and then I realized where He was taking me.

He was taking me to a bridge. I hated this bridge - even when I WAS in great shape, I hated it. The bridge between Aurora and Sugar Grove, pretty much - over Route 56. And after looking at my watch I realized I would hit two-and-a-half miles at the top of this bridge. God is such a good God.

And up I went.

And there I stopped. And there I met God. He reminded me that I was forgiven. That this trail was just a trail - not a scarlet letter walk. That my struggle with fear is going to have to stop. That it was time to GIVE IT UP. That I was trustworthy because I was a child of God. I expressed how scared I was of messing my life up again. How badly I wanted my husband to continue to trust me - even thought he knows how badly I messed up my first marriage. And even though he's NEVER expressed that he didn't trust me. I believe in my whole heart that he does. I am afraid. But God said that his perfect love has been waiting to wash away that fear. Why won't I let Him?


Up there I gave it up. And his love washed over me and I felt empowered without my music. And I felt tingly and loved without reading love stories. And I felt released from anxiety - even if just for five minutes. And somebody driving under the bridge honked and waved at me. Maybe that driver knew what I was experiencing and wanted to give me a spiritual high five.

And then I got on my bike, thanked God for his grace, love, and mercy, and started back.

Will I fear again? Yes, of course I will. I am human. I am broken. Will I read Romans 14 more often? Yes, in fact now it's on my list of scriptures to memorize so that I won't have to look it up each time. Will I remember today as a step in my growth? Oh yes. Will I ride that trail again? You bet. Will I meet up with Jesus on that bridge? You bet I will. That's our bridge now.

My Armor

When I’m under attack I know it’s not what I see -
It’s what I don’t see - the powers that be.
I have tools to put on, armor to don
to ensure the defeat of the enemy.

He gave me the belt of truth
to ward off all abuse.
And due due His unrelenting mercy
the breastplate of righteousness makes me worthy.
And on my feet I wear the shoes of salvation
that keep me from the fires of eternal damnation.
Faith is my shield as it blocks off the darts
of satan himself, distracting my heart.
And in my hand I carry my sword,
The Word of God, my Savior and Lord.

So bring it on, you bringers of chaos.
My God has my back and my armor is on.
Look at me, and you see nothing but me,
but come at me, and see just who’s really won.

These gifts

This voice.
This voice that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take it and make it sing your praises because I cannot.

These fingers.
These fingers that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take them and make them play for you because I cannot.

These words.
These words that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take them and make them speak about you because I cannot.

Your gifts.
Your gifts I am not worthy to even imagine possessing,
and yet - when I receive them and give them back to you

I sing.
          I play.
                    I write.

For you. I am yours. Here I am. Send me, Lord.

Quotations on inner beauty

Last night Pastor Jim Nicodem delivered a message that hit me so hard. Here are a few quotations that I took from his message.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

“When the Holy Spirit lives within you it is impossible to be unattractive.” Jim Nicodem

And a question to ponder...
“Do I spend more time and effort working on my external appearance or my internal character?”

Armor of God in relationships

In finishing up the book of Ephesians today, I questioned Paul's placement of his wisdom on marriage (the end of chapter five describes husband and wife relationships as a metaphor for how Christ and the church should be intertwined), parent and child, and then slave to master. Directly after delivering this message, he describes the armor of God and how it should be used by believers.

So I sat with this for a while, and as I did, I started to realize that our most challenging relationships in our lives are probably our marital relationship, our relationships with our children/parents, and the relationships we have with our superiors or those who work under us. Paul's description of bond-servant or slave to master can certainly be applied to our workplace relationships.

In sitting with the message this morning, another revelation occured to me - in each of these messages, he sets the stage for the topic by saying "just as you would obey Christ" or "in the Lord" or "out of reverence for Christ". In the VERY FIRST SENTENCE of each, Paul is reminding us that putting the Lord first will direct our steps and guide us in better relationships with one another.

Verses 10-20 in chapter six are my ultimate guide verses - my life verses right after Romans 5:8. If you can remember what these verses say, you can fight a serious war. In these verses, Paul describes each piece of God's armor, and his placement of these sentences was so pointed and clear after meditating on them and seeking wisdom.

I am dealing with some serious relationship trauma at the moment. I have endured the pain of laying firm boundaries, causing pain to people I never wanted to hurt because they cannot honor or respect those boundaries, and enduring horrid verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse because of it. Yesterday I was reciting the armor of God for the one millionth time, and I remembered I am not fighting against humans. They've become pawns in the enemy's beautifully-constructed plan to tear them and me down. It happens in marriages. It happens between parents and children. And I am the first to admit that it happened to me over and over and over again as a person in the workplace. And I lost EVERY SINGLE TIME.

But not this time, satan. Not this time. You can tear apart my family. You can cause trouble with my children. You can cause me to leave my job because I was convinced that every boss I had didn't know what they were doing. But I see what you're doing now. And I am putting on that armor and will fight FOR them with Jesus by my side. My choice to put Christ first before my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my grandchild, my employers - that is a conscious decision that I can see and feel has pissed off the enemy more than I am probably even aware. He has moved on to hacking away at other parts of my life, but I will not give up. I am putting on my Helmet of Salvation and my Belt of Truth. I'm tucking my feet into my shoes of the Gospel of Peace and putting on my Breastplate of Righteousness. With my Sword of the Spirit and my Shield of Faith, I'm ready for action.

Bring it on. Satan, you will not steal my joy and my peace by ripping at my family. You will not destroy me. And I pray constantly that my family and friends can feel my prayers reaching them - can feel the peace that God provides through faith. If only I could make them feel it for even five minutes so that they could understand why I have such big faith - they would understand the peace that surpasses all understanding and turn their face toward God. My Father. My protector. My provider. My peace.