The unworthy

This comes from a devotional I delivered and October 10, 2023 for our Care Night groups.

I don’t know if anybody here watched the show The Chosen, but I couldn’t think of anything better to reference tonight than several of my favorite characters. But first let me introduce myself to you, for those of you who don’t know me. My name is Heather Hart, and in the winter of 2016 I was sitting in the same place many of you are tonight. In fact, I actually got into my car and started driving three weeks in a row before I would finally get the guts to walk into my first Divorce Care Group. It was scary. Because walking in meant it was really happening.

Since then God has really done a healing work in my life, and in 2018 I found myself back in your place attending an anxiety and depression group for women. For those of you who don’t know, God can heal anything and change anything. But He has continued to allowed me to wrestle with anxiety and depression since. But He carries me through those valleys a lot better than I could walk through them myself. 

So anyway, back to the Chosen. There are 3 characters I would like to reference tonight.

 In Matthew 8:1-4, scripture says:

When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. 2 A man with leprosy[a] came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”

3 Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. 4 Then Jesus said to him, “See that you don’t tell anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the gift Moses commanded, as a testimony to them.”

Jesus healed the Leper, the man that everyone avoided because of his uncleanness and unworthiness. This man simply asked for healing and Jesus gave it.

***I’m going to pause for about 30 seconds and let you consider how that scripture applies to your life right now. Can you relate to this character or somebody watching? How would you fit into this story? If you’d like to speak to God about this, go ahead and do so.***

In Matthew 9:9-13, scripture says:

9 As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples.11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Jesus saw the need of Matthew the tax collector and his friends. Matthew had worldly riches, but he was spiritually depleated. They knew they were unworthy, but Jesus knew they needed his love.

***I’m going to pause for about 30 seconds and let you consider how that scripture applies to your life right now. Can you related to a character in this story? And if so how? If you’d like to speak to God about this, go ahead and do so.***

In John chapter 4:5-26, scripture says:

So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon.

7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.[a])

10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of waterwelling up to eternal life.”

15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”

17 “I have no husband,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband.18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

And skipped down to verses 25, 

25 The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

26 Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”

Jesus chose to speak to the woman at the well and offer her salvation, she - one who would have been his enemy, was undoubtedly a social outcast, unworthy, and one who also lived in sin. 

***I’m going to pause for about 30 seconds and let you consider how that scripture applies to your life right now. If you’d like to speak to God about this, go ahead and do so.***

***Pray —Heavenly, Father,  We know that alone we are unworthy to sit in your presence, but we also know that the death and resurrection of your son Jesus gives us a free pass to worthiness, and we thank you. Many of us walk through these doors feeling like our lives, our stories don’t matter, but we know that in your eyes, it all matters because the stories are written by the one true creator, the sovereign Lord, the great tapestry weaver. Please wrap us in your loving arms tonight as we tackle the lies the enemy continues to pelt us with so that we can come out victorieous on the other side.  We love you. In Jesus name, Amen***

Why does my enoughness matter?

There are five lies that came about this morning while I was praying -- five lies that I'm guessing many of my friends have heard somehow, somewhere before. Many of those lies literally RULE our lives, and we have no idea how to break that pattern or even that the pattern is destructive or even that there IS a pattern. God speaks to us when we listen, and this morning I was yearning to listen. Every single one of these lies I believe. Every day. 

God is asking me to believe His truth rather than my lies. And I'm hearing Him ask me to urge you to do the same. 

To be clear - I am not fixed now that I wrote these lies on a white board in my dining room. I'm incredibly broken - about as broken as I have ever been. And I've been begging the Lord for weeks to help me out of this abyss I seem to have fallen into this Christmas season - of all seasons. But maybe this is where God wants me to be so that I can embrace the season with more urgency than ever before.

In each of the lies I wrote down this morning, a common word is found. 

1. I don't have enough (time, talent, money, stuff...).
2. My problems aren't bad enough (to talk about).
3. I'm not important enough (for people to listen).
4. I'm not good enough (at anything to matter).
5. I'm not doing enough (for people to care about me OR for people to know I care about them). 

Enough. Enough enough. I have had enough. What is this word and why is it even spelled the way it is? And why has it caused so much anguish for so many people in our culture?

I could give you a run down of truths in the Bible that tell us that the lies are false, but sometimes, even knowing that the Sword of God exists isn't enough (see what I did there?) to urge us to pick it up and believe these truths. I can tell you that there are scriptures that combat EVERY SINGLE ONE of these lies, and yet what good would it do if you didn't have enough energy to look them up or faith to really wrap your head around the meaning?

It would do zero good.

And so I am going to do none of that. But I will tell you that distractions won't work. Watching TV, scrolling Facebook, YouTube, memes, alcohol, sex, exercise, reading self-help books, listening to music -- none of it will work long term to put you in a place where you will believe God's truths 100% of the time and stop believing those lies. 

The Psalms are a very good place to park for a while. Sitting in silence with a notebook and pen in hand is also helpful. Doing things that still your soul - even exercise if you can do it for the soul purpose of connecting with God - is a good place to start. Deep breathing a prayer for five minutes, talking out loud to God and telling him you have no idea even where to start . . . . also good. Give God some space to fill your brain with truths and stop filling it with what others say.

But know this. You. Are. Not. Alone. And you do have enough. And your problems are bad enough to share with somebody. And your are important enough for others to listen to those problems. You're good enough at something to matter to somebody - because God is somebody. And you're doing enough because somebody feels cared-for by you today. And somebody loves you. Regardless of how you see people - God loves you. And he's bigger than all of it. And that, friend, stills my soul.

The sin cycle as applied to a church pianist

Last weekend our pastor delivered a message that hit me in a few different places. One thing that I’ve been sitting in for a few days has been the cycle that the Hebrews got themselves in during the Old Testament. The five steps of this cycle were 1. Disobedience 2. Oppression 3. Prayer 4. Deliverance and then 5. Peace.

Step five is an interesting step because that’s the comfortable stage (and a highly relatable stage) — where we can sometimes forget what it was like on step two, or we probably wouldn’t go back to step one.  But we do it anyway because peace produces apathy, and the cycle starts over again. Pastor Jim was speaking specifically about the Hebrews in the book of Judges, but something hit me yesterday morning as I was sitting at the piano during mass. 

I consider myself to be a fairly self-aware person — noticing when things are not how they should be, and often pinpointing correctly where something went wrong and why. This has taken a lot of therapy, prayer, and work on my part — not to mention God’s grace, but apparently it is not fool proof (by no fault of God, I must point out). I’m not a very confident pianist, mainly because my skills are inferior to my “equals” at the church, and I don’t dedicate hours of my day to practice like many do. My forte (see what I did there?) is teaching, not playing. But for some reason I got roped into staying at a sub gig that I was begged to take at a nearby Catholic Church (piano players are hard to find, apparently). 

Because I was not confident and apparently a super workable person, the music director was gracious, and he did his best to keep me happy by choosing from a group of hymns whenever I played, and he did his best to prep me in advance if we had to change the mass. Once or twice he forgot to tell me the mass was changing, and he just let me play the old mass so he didn’t push me over the edge of the cliff on which I was already playing.  I can recall sitting during quiet times in mass literally praying with fingers on the keys, playing the pieces in my head so that I could get extra practice time in while the priest was delivering his message.

Then one day it stopped. Going completely unnoticed, I no longer needed to pray and practice silently during mass. I ran the pieces during the week a few times after I received the list of hymns (usually on a Friday for Sunday mass), but I was so comfortable that being on top of practice and having my head in the game and on the Lord was less important that it had been. 

Then our music director resigned.

And my apathy soon produced disobedience. Somebody changed the entire mass (to one I had never played) on a Thursday to be ready by Sunday and then sent me a list of hymns which were unfamiliar. I flipped my lid. At first I refused to play the mass. Then when I received it I realized it wasn’t horrible, but I was still angry as all get out because I had so much new music to learn. Never mind it happened on Thanksgiving weekend when I had almost an entire Saturday off to learn it. I was angry. My plans for the weekend were to decorate for Christmas. But now that had to take a step back to my job as an accompanist to worship leadership. Disobedience.

Sunday morning I sat at the piano, praying and playing in my head - fingers flying across the keys as the priest delivered his message. And it was at this moment that something hit me. I had been ignorant of my apathy. Much like the Hebrews after God had given them the promised land. They still disobeyed because of apathy caused by peace in their lives and in their souls. Something about peace causes us to start to forget how we got there in the first place. How is this possible? I don’t know how or why, but sometimes God allows us to ask questions for a long time before He answers them. 

Applying this lesson to my life in other areas, including homeschooling, teaching piano, being a wife, mom and friend - will sharpen me, prune me, and fill me up. That Pastor Jim — always in tuned with what I needed to hear at that particular moment. 

Labyrinth

Today I had an experience that I didn't really want to shout to the world, but I also wanted to remember it vividly and use it to help others struggling with fear the way I am.

Recently I've been pushed to challenge my fear of anything mindfulness. For those who don't know, my previous marriage disintegrated from 2005 to its demise in 2015, and during that time, our family had really immersed itself into mindfulness, touched on mysticism, and just any alternate forms of spirituality. Although the cracks in the marriage itself aren't a direct result of mindfulness spirituality (that happened due to my lack of boundaries and selfishness), anything mindfulness (meditation, yoga, affirmations, just sitting quietly, acceptance, "flowing down river", quiet piano music, even Oprah!) scares the crumbs out of me because now that I have Jesus, I don't want ANYTHING swaying me or trying to sway me from Him. He's my rock.

So . . . . fear. Of everything pretty much.

For three and a half years (since my rebirth in Christ) I have put up great walls: refused to listen to anything other than Christian music, only watch movies with a Christian theme, read Christian books (fiction or non), leaned toward Christian friends. Some say "stuck up" or "secluded". I say "scared".

During my women's group this week we were challenged to explore the idea of a labyrinth. Now this is after the breathing exercise we did before our breakout session Tuesday night. The breathing session which took me about an hour to pull myself back from the cliff because all I could visualize was the breathing exercises that I did during times of fear, anger, grief when I had my back firmly turned on my Jesus and my feet firmly planted in mindfulness.

Labyrinth's, to me, had always had a mystic feeling to them. There was always some reason why a labyrinth felt eerie. One reason for this feeling is because I had always used the words labyrinth and maze synonymously - and maze just draws up a LOT of horrid thoughts- mainly, the idea of being lost. But after researching, I discovered the difference between the two. A true labyrinth has only one way through, with no trickery. Just a path. After more research, I also discovered that the floors of old cathedrals across Europe and the Americas often sported labyrinths for people to use to walk and pray. And yet there were also many pagan origins of labyrinths as well. And then I was lead back to the book of Romans 14, which rocked me to my core this morning.

I've READ and applied this chapter many times over, but today it spoke deeply to me. Verses five through eight read

 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

There's no rule that says you can or cannot walk a labyrinth. There's no rule that says don't meditate, affirm, or do yoga. All God wants is you to glorify him with your whole heart. The labyrinth, in Christian history, was used to walk and pray - to keep one focused on the path to the middle. To meet with God, dwell in the center, and then bask in the beauty of the experience on the way back. It meant so many other things to the pagans, but for the Christians (who often take pagan fads and make them God-glorifying, even today) it was a way to draw closer to God.

I don't have a labyrinth. I wish I did because I so desperately want to try one now (A trip to a Chicago cathedral is in my future this winter). But I do have a bike, and we have a trail. My plan was to ride about 2 1/2 miles into a neighborhood, stop and rest and pray and then ride back.

God had other plans.

I have a history with this trail. I used to ride this trail about fifteen miles daily in the summer of 2015. Part of my ride would be crying, listening to very loud music that was meant to empower me, and then listening to books on my phone. The last book I read on my phone was Fifty Shades of Gray. Yep, while I was biking. I think I read the first two books before I was discovered meeting my boyfriend on the trail on my way out.

Then my bike rides . . . and my life . . . stopped.

Today I rode my bike out, intent on taking a left turn onto the trail that would lead me into neighborhoods across Orchard Road, but the Spirit kept nudging me and then literally kicked me right. And off I went. Down the trail I haven't ridden in four years.

Today I wasn't wearing headphones, so I was free to be mindful of the sounds of the trail, including the birds, wind in the trees, pounding footsteps of runners in front of and behind me. Because my mind was not distracted by a story plot or a song to empower me, I was also free to be mindful to watch carefully where I was riding - in fact it was safer that way because the trail was wet, and there were acorns and apples I had to avoid. That caused me to feel the water hitting my back or being thrown up from my front tire and hitting my shirt. I was being mindful, and I knew my goal was to get to about two-and-a-half miles and turn back.

As I was riding, I wondered if God would stop me at the top of the bridge over Galena. I thought it would have been pretty poetic if He had because it was the top of the bridge - like climbing a mountain or jumping a hurdle. But no - he kept me going, past the church and a set of teenage boys walking the trail. Past walkers with dogs and a runner . . . and then I realized where He was taking me.

He was taking me to a bridge. I hated this bridge - even when I WAS in great shape, I hated it. The bridge between Aurora and Sugar Grove, pretty much - over Route 56. And after looking at my watch I realized I would hit two-and-a-half miles at the top of this bridge. God is such a good God.

And up I went.

And there I stopped. And there I met God. He reminded me that I was forgiven. That this trail was just a trail - not a scarlet letter walk. That my struggle with fear is going to have to stop. That it was time to GIVE IT UP. That I was trustworthy because I was a child of God. I expressed how scared I was of messing my life up again. How badly I wanted my husband to continue to trust me - even thought he knows how badly I messed up my first marriage. And even though he's NEVER expressed that he didn't trust me. I believe in my whole heart that he does. I am afraid. But God said that his perfect love has been waiting to wash away that fear. Why won't I let Him?


Up there I gave it up. And his love washed over me and I felt empowered without my music. And I felt tingly and loved without reading love stories. And I felt released from anxiety - even if just for five minutes. And somebody driving under the bridge honked and waved at me. Maybe that driver knew what I was experiencing and wanted to give me a spiritual high five.

And then I got on my bike, thanked God for his grace, love, and mercy, and started back.

Will I fear again? Yes, of course I will. I am human. I am broken. Will I read Romans 14 more often? Yes, in fact now it's on my list of scriptures to memorize so that I won't have to look it up each time. Will I remember today as a step in my growth? Oh yes. Will I ride that trail again? You bet. Will I meet up with Jesus on that bridge? You bet I will. That's our bridge now.

My Armor

When I’m under attack I know it’s not what I see -
It’s what I don’t see - the powers that be.
I have tools to put on, armor to don
to ensure the defeat of the enemy.

He gave me the belt of truth
to ward off all abuse.
And due due His unrelenting mercy
the breastplate of righteousness makes me worthy.
And on my feet I wear the shoes of salvation
that keep me from the fires of eternal damnation.
Faith is my shield as it blocks off the darts
of satan himself, distracting my heart.
And in my hand I carry my sword,
The Word of God, my Savior and Lord.

So bring it on, you bringers of chaos.
My God has my back and my armor is on.
Look at me, and you see nothing but me,
but come at me, and see just who’s really won.

These gifts

This voice.
This voice that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take it and make it sing your praises because I cannot.

These fingers.
These fingers that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take them and make them play for you because I cannot.

These words.
These words that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take them and make them speak about you because I cannot.

Your gifts.
Your gifts I am not worthy to even imagine possessing,
and yet - when I receive them and give them back to you

I sing.
          I play.
                    I write.

For you. I am yours. Here I am. Send me, Lord.

Quotations on inner beauty

Last night Pastor Jim Nicodem delivered a message that hit me so hard. Here are a few quotations that I took from his message.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

“When the Holy Spirit lives within you it is impossible to be unattractive.” Jim Nicodem

And a question to ponder...
“Do I spend more time and effort working on my external appearance or my internal character?”