God woke me up at 11:30, heart pounding, right in the middle of a dream I was having about bringing people that I love with me to church. I thought it was a good dream, but my body was telling me that we were about to have a full on panic attack. I lay there in the dark, listening to the pound of my heart, praying that I wouldn’t die of a heart attack in the middle of the night - when God reminded me that I wasn’t done. It would have seemed a little futile for me to have gone through all of what I have in the last 3 years only to die of a heart attack in the middle of the night.
Still, something was nagging me. I got up to go to the bathroom.
When I got back, my phone was lit up - which is not uncommon. I almost always lie it face down on the shelf because it never seems to shut off completely, and in the middle of the night it has a mind of its own and works without me. This is probably my fault, since I seem to spin like a top most days . . . I suppose my phone has decided to continue work without me while I recharge also.
Here’s the odd thing. I was compelled to pick it up . . . Which is almost always a big no-no in my mind because once I see the time I panic about how many hours I have left to sleep. But what was a weird is what I saw on my screen.
It was open to this blog - a blog I haven’t touched in over 18 months. The last entry was on hope, and after the week our church has had and the anxiety I was feeling over having no access to my classroom at school despite school starting next week, I decided to read what I had written in November of 2023.
It’s funny how I don’t remember writing it. It’s funny how I don’t have much patience for writing these days, and now I’m up at midnight writing. It’s funny how it is literally the last week of summer break, and God has finally allowed me the breakthrough that I have been begging for since June.
Heather, my plan is not yours. You, of all people, know this. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail. (Proverbs 19:21 NLT) I have really been wandering this summer. I’ve been wandering — kind of in exile — giving in to the sin of busyness, greed, and pride. I’m not sure if it’s hormonal, a change of schedule, the stresses of mothering adult-ish children, or giving in to the shame of the past, but this summer has been HARD.
I’ve tried praying. I can’t focus. I try to read. No attention span. Listening to podcasts sometimes works and then distraction with busyness sets in. I reach out for community and then I back away in shame. My head is cloudy and rarely clear. But tonight this . . .
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV)
Praise. The. Lord.
I prayed for my school tonight. Prayed for my colleagues and for a revival to sweep the school. Prayed for our pastoral staff at church. I prayed for my friends who are struggling. I prayed for my kids to each find their way to a life serving Christ. I prayed for my family members who have turned their backs on the Lord. I prayed for my sweet husband.
Normally being up in the middle of the night would create such anxiety, but tonight - no. I am praising Him! I am so grateful that God got me up. Just don’t scare me with the whole “heart pounding so loud in my chest” thing, next time - okay Lord?
I leave you with this blessing. Know that if you’re reading this, you have likely been prayed for or will be in the next few days. God answers prayer. I am a walking example of how true this statement is. Blessings.
