Labyrinth

Today I had an experience that I didn't really want to shout to the world, but I also wanted to remember it vividly and use it to help others struggling with fear the way I am.

Recently I've been pushed to challenge my fear of anything mindfulness. For those who don't know, my previous marriage disintegrated from 2005 to its demise in 2015, and during that time, our family had really immersed itself into mindfulness, touched on mysticism, and just any alternate forms of spirituality. Although the cracks in the marriage itself aren't a direct result of mindfulness spirituality (that happened due to my lack of boundaries and selfishness), anything mindfulness (meditation, yoga, affirmations, just sitting quietly, acceptance, "flowing down river", quiet piano music, even Oprah!) scares the crumbs out of me because now that I have Jesus, I don't want ANYTHING swaying me or trying to sway me from Him. He's my rock.

So . . . . fear. Of everything pretty much.

For three and a half years (since my rebirth in Christ) I have put up great walls: refused to listen to anything other than Christian music, only watch movies with a Christian theme, read Christian books (fiction or non), leaned toward Christian friends. Some say "stuck up" or "secluded". I say "scared".

During my women's group this week we were challenged to explore the idea of a labyrinth. Now this is after the breathing exercise we did before our breakout session Tuesday night. The breathing session which took me about an hour to pull myself back from the cliff because all I could visualize was the breathing exercises that I did during times of fear, anger, grief when I had my back firmly turned on my Jesus and my feet firmly planted in mindfulness.

Labyrinth's, to me, had always had a mystic feeling to them. There was always some reason why a labyrinth felt eerie. One reason for this feeling is because I had always used the words labyrinth and maze synonymously - and maze just draws up a LOT of horrid thoughts- mainly, the idea of being lost. But after researching, I discovered the difference between the two. A true labyrinth has only one way through, with no trickery. Just a path. After more research, I also discovered that the floors of old cathedrals across Europe and the Americas often sported labyrinths for people to use to walk and pray. And yet there were also many pagan origins of labyrinths as well. And then I was lead back to the book of Romans 14, which rocked me to my core this morning.

I've READ and applied this chapter many times over, but today it spoke deeply to me. Verses five through eight read

 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

There's no rule that says you can or cannot walk a labyrinth. There's no rule that says don't meditate, affirm, or do yoga. All God wants is you to glorify him with your whole heart. The labyrinth, in Christian history, was used to walk and pray - to keep one focused on the path to the middle. To meet with God, dwell in the center, and then bask in the beauty of the experience on the way back. It meant so many other things to the pagans, but for the Christians (who often take pagan fads and make them God-glorifying, even today) it was a way to draw closer to God.

I don't have a labyrinth. I wish I did because I so desperately want to try one now (A trip to a Chicago cathedral is in my future this winter). But I do have a bike, and we have a trail. My plan was to ride about 2 1/2 miles into a neighborhood, stop and rest and pray and then ride back.

God had other plans.

I have a history with this trail. I used to ride this trail about fifteen miles daily in the summer of 2015. Part of my ride would be crying, listening to very loud music that was meant to empower me, and then listening to books on my phone. The last book I read on my phone was Fifty Shades of Gray. Yep, while I was biking. I think I read the first two books before I was discovered meeting my boyfriend on the trail on my way out.

Then my bike rides . . . and my life . . . stopped.

Today I rode my bike out, intent on taking a left turn onto the trail that would lead me into neighborhoods across Orchard Road, but the Spirit kept nudging me and then literally kicked me right. And off I went. Down the trail I haven't ridden in four years.

Today I wasn't wearing headphones, so I was free to be mindful of the sounds of the trail, including the birds, wind in the trees, pounding footsteps of runners in front of and behind me. Because my mind was not distracted by a story plot or a song to empower me, I was also free to be mindful to watch carefully where I was riding - in fact it was safer that way because the trail was wet, and there were acorns and apples I had to avoid. That caused me to feel the water hitting my back or being thrown up from my front tire and hitting my shirt. I was being mindful, and I knew my goal was to get to about two-and-a-half miles and turn back.

As I was riding, I wondered if God would stop me at the top of the bridge over Galena. I thought it would have been pretty poetic if He had because it was the top of the bridge - like climbing a mountain or jumping a hurdle. But no - he kept me going, past the church and a set of teenage boys walking the trail. Past walkers with dogs and a runner . . . and then I realized where He was taking me.

He was taking me to a bridge. I hated this bridge - even when I WAS in great shape, I hated it. The bridge between Aurora and Sugar Grove, pretty much - over Route 56. And after looking at my watch I realized I would hit two-and-a-half miles at the top of this bridge. God is such a good God.

And up I went.

And there I stopped. And there I met God. He reminded me that I was forgiven. That this trail was just a trail - not a scarlet letter walk. That my struggle with fear is going to have to stop. That it was time to GIVE IT UP. That I was trustworthy because I was a child of God. I expressed how scared I was of messing my life up again. How badly I wanted my husband to continue to trust me - even thought he knows how badly I messed up my first marriage. And even though he's NEVER expressed that he didn't trust me. I believe in my whole heart that he does. I am afraid. But God said that his perfect love has been waiting to wash away that fear. Why won't I let Him?


Up there I gave it up. And his love washed over me and I felt empowered without my music. And I felt tingly and loved without reading love stories. And I felt released from anxiety - even if just for five minutes. And somebody driving under the bridge honked and waved at me. Maybe that driver knew what I was experiencing and wanted to give me a spiritual high five.

And then I got on my bike, thanked God for his grace, love, and mercy, and started back.

Will I fear again? Yes, of course I will. I am human. I am broken. Will I read Romans 14 more often? Yes, in fact now it's on my list of scriptures to memorize so that I won't have to look it up each time. Will I remember today as a step in my growth? Oh yes. Will I ride that trail again? You bet. Will I meet up with Jesus on that bridge? You bet I will. That's our bridge now.

My Armor

When I’m under attack I know it’s not what I see -
It’s what I don’t see - the powers that be.
I have tools to put on, armor to don
to ensure the defeat of the enemy.

He gave me the belt of truth
to ward off all abuse.
And due due His unrelenting mercy
the breastplate of righteousness makes me worthy.
And on my feet I wear the shoes of salvation
that keep me from the fires of eternal damnation.
Faith is my shield as it blocks off the darts
of satan himself, distracting my heart.
And in my hand I carry my sword,
The Word of God, my Savior and Lord.

So bring it on, you bringers of chaos.
My God has my back and my armor is on.
Look at me, and you see nothing but me,
but come at me, and see just who’s really won.

These gifts

This voice.
This voice that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take it and make it sing your praises because I cannot.

These fingers.
These fingers that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take them and make them play for you because I cannot.

These words.
These words that I’ve been gifted I give back to you, oh Lord.
Take them and make them speak about you because I cannot.

Your gifts.
Your gifts I am not worthy to even imagine possessing,
and yet - when I receive them and give them back to you

I sing.
          I play.
                    I write.

For you. I am yours. Here I am. Send me, Lord.

Quotations on inner beauty

Last night Pastor Jim Nicodem delivered a message that hit me so hard. Here are a few quotations that I took from his message.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

“When the Holy Spirit lives within you it is impossible to be unattractive.” Jim Nicodem

And a question to ponder...
“Do I spend more time and effort working on my external appearance or my internal character?”

Armor of God in relationships

In finishing up the book of Ephesians today, I questioned Paul's placement of his wisdom on marriage (the end of chapter five describes husband and wife relationships as a metaphor for how Christ and the church should be intertwined), parent and child, and then slave to master. Directly after delivering this message, he describes the armor of God and how it should be used by believers.

So I sat with this for a while, and as I did, I started to realize that our most challenging relationships in our lives are probably our marital relationship, our relationships with our children/parents, and the relationships we have with our superiors or those who work under us. Paul's description of bond-servant or slave to master can certainly be applied to our workplace relationships.

In sitting with the message this morning, another revelation occured to me - in each of these messages, he sets the stage for the topic by saying "just as you would obey Christ" or "in the Lord" or "out of reverence for Christ". In the VERY FIRST SENTENCE of each, Paul is reminding us that putting the Lord first will direct our steps and guide us in better relationships with one another.

Verses 10-20 in chapter six are my ultimate guide verses - my life verses right after Romans 5:8. If you can remember what these verses say, you can fight a serious war. In these verses, Paul describes each piece of God's armor, and his placement of these sentences was so pointed and clear after meditating on them and seeking wisdom.

I am dealing with some serious relationship trauma at the moment. I have endured the pain of laying firm boundaries, causing pain to people I never wanted to hurt because they cannot honor or respect those boundaries, and enduring horrid verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse because of it. Yesterday I was reciting the armor of God for the one millionth time, and I remembered I am not fighting against humans. They've become pawns in the enemy's beautifully-constructed plan to tear them and me down. It happens in marriages. It happens between parents and children. And I am the first to admit that it happened to me over and over and over again as a person in the workplace. And I lost EVERY SINGLE TIME.

But not this time, satan. Not this time. You can tear apart my family. You can cause trouble with my children. You can cause me to leave my job because I was convinced that every boss I had didn't know what they were doing. But I see what you're doing now. And I am putting on that armor and will fight FOR them with Jesus by my side. My choice to put Christ first before my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my grandchild, my employers - that is a conscious decision that I can see and feel has pissed off the enemy more than I am probably even aware. He has moved on to hacking away at other parts of my life, but I will not give up. I am putting on my Helmet of Salvation and my Belt of Truth. I'm tucking my feet into my shoes of the Gospel of Peace and putting on my Breastplate of Righteousness. With my Sword of the Spirit and my Shield of Faith, I'm ready for action.

Bring it on. Satan, you will not steal my joy and my peace by ripping at my family. You will not destroy me. And I pray constantly that my family and friends can feel my prayers reaching them - can feel the peace that God provides through faith. If only I could make them feel it for even five minutes so that they could understand why I have such big faith - they would understand the peace that surpasses all understanding and turn their face toward God. My Father. My protector. My provider. My peace.

Gratitude in dark times

Did you know that the apostle Paul wrote the books of Ephesians and Philippians while he was in prison? And the first chapter in the book of Ephesians goes on and on about how grateful Paul is for the people of Ephasus.

I don't know about you, but if I were in prison, I'm not sure I would be feeling very grateful. And yet I have a former student Brandon who has been in prison for over fifteen years. Often when I receive letters from him, you can hear his gratitude in his experiences as he encourages me in all that I'm trying to do here. Me. The lady who can come and go as she pleases, get in a car and drive away, go to Walmart or eat an Oreo whenever she wants. This kid is encouraging ME.

What is wrong with this picture? Nothing. He has found his gratitude in everything that he does though Christ. And I'm over here complaining because somebody ate the last piece of whole wheat bread . . .

Paul chose to serve the Ephesians, even in his dark time of imprisonment. Through this choice of gratitude and serving, he found his peace in Christ. Brandon also finds his peace through serving and gratitude. What a model of Christ's character! Such good lessons to learn on this Mother's Day. Blessings.

Competition to better oneself

Yesterday Chief Kristen Ziman spoke at the graduation ceremony for the new Aurora recruits along with other recruits from all over the state. Her message was both vulnerable and witty, and I took away something that I, myself, struggle with. I guess it was nice to know that a woman of her status and power struggles with this as well. She said that early in her career as an LEO she had to stop competing with others and start competing with herself. 

This morning in my read of Battlefield of the Mind, Joyce Meyers said this: “...there is no such thing as real peace until we are delivered from the need to compete with others.” 

Although these messages have similar meaning, one promotes competition, just with oneself. The other just lets it go. 

During my first career, I competed with others to become the best at what I did. I was envious, jealous, bitter, and ruthless at times. I competed with myself to become better at what I did. I was never satisfied. Then one day as I watched my life go up in flames I finally just gave it all up and started serving others because that’s what God had been wanting me to do. In His industry. Not mine. Doing what He wanted me to do. Not me. I work in a capacity that is humbling for a zillion reasons. None of my fancy education matters. None of my professional development attendance, conference-going, speech-giving, data collecting, resource collecting, blogging, and spouting-off matters. Now I do my fair share of competing with myself, but with God’s blessing only. And I am happy. 

Comparing oneself to anybody else can lead to dissatisfaction within. Be content with who you are. Learn. Grow. Make your mistakes. Pick yourself back up. Stick close to God through it all. Don’t stay in a state of constant competition where you completely give up yourself to enhance yourself. It’s unhealthy. It makes you sad. And once you achieve your goal, the satisfaction is temporary before you’re off being miserable and working hard toward the next one. 

You do you. Be you. That’s what the Chief did. That’s what I’m doing. Be God’s. Let Him take care of the rest. 

Wrongful Suffering

For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.”  1 Peter 2:19-22

Jesus was sinless, and yet He suffered worst if all. In order to be like Christ, unjustified suffering in a His name may be on the docket for my life. Know that this is the walk of a follower of Christ and you WILL be rewarded. This reminds me of a situation I’m am currently in with a friend who has had so few positive encounters without Christian people. I know God has called on me to be a witness, but some of the jabs and accusations toward my faith make me weary. I need to be patient, endure, and reflect the love of Christ always.

Joyce Meyer says in her book Battlefield of the Mind, “It is not suffering that glorifies God, but a godly attitude in suffering that pleases Him and brings glory to Him.”

1 Peter 2:19-20 reminds me that there is a reason for the suffering, and that God’s plan is sovereign to the end. My patience is required to achieve His goal and to give Him glory.

Dr. Dobson quotation on accepting your partners flaws

“Change what can be altered, explain what can be understood, teach what can be learned, revise what can be improved, resolve what can be settled, and negotiate what is open to compromise.

Then determine to accept the rest.” ~Dr. James Dobson

Overwhelming Sovereignty - Acts 23

I am overwhelmed by God's sovereignty this morning. As I closed my Bible and blew out a long breath, I knew I had to go downstairs to get my laptop so that I could write this blog about what I am feeling after what I just read. But I didn't want to - for fear that the feeling would dissipate before I got back upstairs.

I just read Acts 23.

The apostle Paul's story reminds me of mine in some ways - he committed ultimate acts of complete and utter horror against God in his early life, endorsing the murder of Christ followers and standing firm on his belief that Jesus was not the Messiah. Until one day . . .

Isn't that how it always goes? All is well . . . until one day . . .

Similar to my life. All was well. Until one day when it wasn't. Wasn't. Because I had committed acts of sin after sin after sin against God. Turning my eyes toward myself instead of heaven. Following myself instead of Jesus. Thinking of myself instead of others. Self. Self. Self. All in the name of being mindful and good and helpful and (supposedly) caring. Paul was the same.

One day Jesus appeared to him in a brilliant light - so brilliant he was blinded for days afterward. And then his life changed. He believed.

After that one encounter on his way to Damascus, Paul's entire focus moved from self to God. God ordered him to travel to the provinces of the Roman empire and spread the Gospel news, and he was fearful that after he had spent so much time killing those whose views he now shared, he wouldn't be received. But God had been busy preparing hearts and told him to go. You can't really argue with God - I mean, look what happened when Jonah did. He ended up in the belly of a big fish for three days! Gross! God says, "You're gonna do it my way, or you're gonna do it my way. You choose."

So Paul went. Did he encounter adversity while doing God's work? Yes! Did he end up in jail a time or two? Yep. Did God tell him to keep going? He sure did. And Paul went. And thousands upon thousands of people became followers of Christ because of the work of this one sinner.

His story gets better though! Paul returns to Jerusalem, but not without warnings that his reception is not going to be pretty. Many Jews there are not happy with him. It's at this point where I'm not sure if God had been telling him to turn around and go to Rome straight away (Paul had received warnings by several Spirit filled messengers not to go to Jerusalem) or if Paul needed to go by way of centurion guard for some reason (I haven't finished Acts, but I will in a few days). Regardless, Paul did not heed the warnings and went to Jerusalem where he was taken into custody. It isn't until this point in the book where we really get to know Paul, though.

Honestly, I find the man amusing. He's so outspoken about his walk with the Lord, but do we really know THE Paul of Tarsus? No. Not really. Until he starts bla-bla-ing about his Roman citizenship, we think he is just another Jewish guy who got fed up with all this Jesus-talk and started working to put a stop to it. Paul doesn't reveal his Roman citizenship until the group of Jews who refuse to receive the Gospel beat him him (he'd already been stoned once in Acts 14 and left for dead, and then he just gets up and walks away), and he is rescued by centurion soldiers. The Jews are screaming for him to be killed, but the commander isn't really sure what to do with him. Roman's don't abide by Jewish law, and this was clearly a matter for Jewish leadership, not Roman government. And then Paul drops a bombshell on the commander. "Is it lawful for you to scourge a man who is a Roman, and uncondemned?" (Acts 22:25).

I can actually see the blood drain from the commander's face. The commander responds that it is expensive to become a Roman citizen, to which Paul replies that he was born a citizen (cue dramatic music). For those of you who don't know (and I didn't either, so don't feel bad. I had to research this bit of information), apparently those men (I say men because women didn't share all of the same privileges) with Roman citizenship get special privileges that non citizens do not get. For one - they are protected by the government and get to participate in this "self-government". They get to own property. AND they cannot be beaten, whipped, or sentenced to death.

Paul chose NOW to reveal this? Oh such a smart man. The fact that he chose this particular time to reveal his Roman citizenship was nothing short of the sovereignty of God. If he had traveled the provinces as a Roman preaching to Jews and Gentiles alike, his status may have hindered God's work. But God wasn't done with Paul yet, so it was at this time that He allowed Paul to make his Roman citizenship known. So the commander bound him in chains, not sure what to do with him, because he knew if he let Paul go, the Jews would kill him.

And right he was. After some witty remarks to the chief priest (scholars disagree on whether Paul was too blind to recognize him or whether he was making sarcastic jabs at the priests behavior), a band of forty Jews vowed to neither eat or drink until they killed Paul. I'm guessing they died of thirst and starvation because their plot was intercepted by Paul's nephew who went to the commander. At this point I think the commander was just done. He sent Paul, armed with a letter and two hundred soldiers to the governor who put Paul up in Herod's castle. And that's where I finished today.

But here's the kicker. God wanted Paul to go to Rome and spread the Gospel there. Jesus came to him at night (maybe in a dream? maybe not) and told him that he would be going to Rome. He just didn't realize it would be a chaperoned visit and that it would put him into Herod's palace first (Herod lived in Jerusalem, not Rome). It's kind of like in today's society - many random people don't have any social status or power to speak until they end up getting arrested or in the news for some reason. Maybe Paul needed a little boost for his ministry. Maybe he was disobedient and should have never gone back to Jerusalem in the first place. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I couldn't help but look ahead, and sure enough, Paul makes it to Rome. His ultimate destination, according to the will of God. It took him years, but doesn't that happen frequently? By some miracle from God, with all of the dumb things we do, God allows us to decide how we are going to get where he wants us to be. He urges us and whispers to us, but ultimately we choose. Our choices make our story and our witness come alive. And sometimes it takes years.

Paul used his story over and over and over again to share the Gospel message. He was the ultimate sinner in his own eyes. I see that in myself. I defiled so many sacred rules, spoke against God, worshiped my own idols. Because of this, I can hopefully reach people who have done the same. Because of Paul's sin, he could connect with others who had chosen similar paths. Because of God's sovereignty, Paul was in the right place at the right time connecting with the right people. And because of this, his work - God's ultimate work - saved thousands.

Does the book of Acts call for socialism? I'm about to lose some more friends I think . . .

Let me just start this blog out right away by saying I'm not a republican. Nor am I a democrat. I am simply a woman who has prayed for understanding and for wisdom while making her way through life with a Bible in her hand. Recently I married a man whose entire being screams republican. I always identified as a democrat until our last election when both parties made me want to be sick with their immature back-and-forth. I see how terribly ridiculous Americans must look to other countries as tweets fly and scandals and cover-ups occur - and innocent people are used as pawns in this life-game of chess. It is at this time when I wonder when our entire country is just going to implode because of the greed and selfishness on every side.

This week I was brought to the book of Acts in the New Testament of the Bible. I've been wandering around the Old Testament since August, so I was grateful when I was pulled to a NT book. It took me one day, however, to start questioning why I was led to Acts.

One thing that jumped out at me pretty much immediately (Acts chapter 2) was the report of followers of Christ selling all of their possessions and giving them up to be distributed among those followers who were in need. It happens again in Acts 4, and this time I was seriously disturbed because I thought - well, this seems like scripture that a socialist could use to sway believers to their cause for socialism (or democratic socialism as we are calling it here in the good ol' US of A). But, even with my limited amount of history knowledge (I only minored in history for my undergrad), socialism didn't really work out for many countries because the scales tip too far left. What was I missing?

Here's the difference between what happened in the Bible and what is happening now. In Acts chapter 2 & 4, the people who were inspired to sell all of their possessions and bring them to the apostles to be distributed to those in need did so because they were filled with the Spirit of God and were drawn to helping their brothers in Christ. They did so of their own free will because their spirits of selfishness, envy, and greed were dissolved, and they no longer found satisfaction in worldly possessions. They chose to work together with other believers because God became their main source of life and happiness, and they broke free of their worldly desires.

It happens, friends. I've experienced a shift on a much smaller scale (yep, I still own a house and a car). The freedom is un-explainable.

Today's society, unless set free by God's perfect love, has no chance of surviving this forced compassion. Greedy people don't want to give up their things for others who are just as greedy - just less fortunate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not labeling 100% of the people in our country as greedy. But look around, friends. Look in the mirror. We all possess this ugly spirit of greed. There are things we just don't want to give up. Democrat, republican, independent, green, whatever party you want to identify with - there is not one political party who can claim selflessness - unless you're a party of one - Jesus Christ.

The difference between what we see in the time directly after Christ was resurrected and what we are seeing today is that (and if you read the book you'll understand this) is that there is no difference. This compassion and socialistic attitude happened WITHIN the body of Christ. Within the church! No WAY were the Jewish priests and leaders giving up THEIR possessions to help those less fortunate, and no WAY were any of the non-believing Romans doing it either! Today we see people within our church walls doing things for others with their time, talents, and money because God commands us to do so, and we know that through this giving we are more blessed than with our possessing. All of what we own has been given to us by our Father anyway, so giving it back or away is our duty, not our gift to others.

I'm selfish. I don't always give, and I certainly don't always WANT to give, but I, just like most of my brothers and sisters in Christ, am growing and learning. Like I said - it's not about politics, it's about love. It's not about being obligated or forced to have compassion for others. It's about God's commandment to care for His people. We have taken God out of the country's equation - even to the point of changing the pledge to the flag of this once-great country so that God no longer stands above it. Why in the world would we think that He is going to protect us if we cannot even honor Him while we pledge our lives to a piece of cloth? It has become no longer about Him, but about us. Because of this, no matter what we do or how we say it - we can't fake compassion for others. Period.

For there is no fear in love - and weight loss

1 John 4:18 says there is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

I spent forty-one years of my life riddled with fear. My journey out of that abyss has been a long and treacherous one. I keep stumbling and falling backwards, but I’m slowly moving forward. Yesterday I discovered that something as trivial as weight loss can have remnants of fear attached to it. Not one experience I have had with weight loss (since I was ten) had a positive spin to it. Every time I struggled to lose weight or maintain weight lost, it was done out of fear that I would disappoint somebody else’s goals. That they would stop loving me or be disappointed in me because I was fat.

Yesterday my counselor brought this to my attention. She suggested that I haven’t been able to lose the weight because, for the first time in my life, I feel loved without that condition! And I cried in my car for fifteen minutes. Out of relief that I hadn’t lost my will and my drive. Out of anger for being stuck in that fearful mindset. Out of pain. Because I now know that I have allowed myself to be held prisoner to other people’s standards. Never had I ever lost weight out of obedience to God and out of pure respect for my temple.

I’m guessing it won’t be easier, but this is one more layer for me. The fear layer is being peeled back because the lie has been uncovered. God loves me. My sweet husband loves me. My babies love me. Two hundred pounds or one hundred twenty-five. I need to come up with a different excuse to be disobedient and disrespectful to my health. Or I need to lean into God’s love, fill those areas of fear with it, and let Him guide me through it.

Just one woman's journey through Isaiah (part 1 - background and chapter 1)

By the time I had decided that I should do it, God had been on me to read the book of Isaiah from start to finish. The Bible is a tough book to read, and the book of Isaiah is a very daunting undertaking - so I ignored His whispers until I found myself without a study and starving for His words and wisdom. That's when I made the commitment to read the book. Two days after my forty-fourth birthday, I started on August 26.

I started by reading the pages of introductory material in my NKJV. Although it isn't the easiest translation to read, I've been a bit nerdy about study, and I knew that it is more of a "serious study" translation, and that's what I've been trying to do - seriously study. I used about six other translations to help with deciphering the material, and I purchased a monthly subscription to my Bible app, which came with dozens of commentaries and study material to really help if I struggled - which I did. I also decided to use the COMA method of study presented by Pastor Jim Nicodem from Christ Community Church because it was methodical, and I like methodical.

And I began. I knew very little about the book when I started:

• I knew that Isaiah prophesied during King Hezekiah's reign (I only knew that because I read it in a novel about King Hezekiah.)
• I knew that the book itself was controversial as to when it was actually written until the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered, and yet people still argue about whether Isaiah is a faulty book in the old testament.
• I knew that it was LONG.
• I also knew that if you compare the book of Isaiah to the Bible as a whole, the book of Isaiah is a good summary of the Bible from cover to cover (Creation-Fall-Redemption-Restoration).

And that's about it.

Oh, and I also knew it was daunting. And poetry. Most of it was written in poetic form - for which I lack an appreciation and understanding. Needless to say, I was not looking forward to the task at hand, but when God starts on you about something, He doesn't stop, and then when you finally follow through, He blesses you. Which he did.

So I'll start today's blog with a tiny introduction to the book of Isaiah before I dig into the meat and potatoes of it. If you're a reader or study-er of God's word, you pick it up for a variety of reasons. I'm an application and logic gal, so I like to know how the reading connects to things. That being said, that's going to be my approach to this blog series.

So. The book of Isaiah. The Assyrian Empire was in it's third stage and had spread over the land and was taking over kingdoms as it grew. The Assyrian army was barbaric during it strongest point - around 900 BC to 600 BC - and Isaiah lived and prophesied during some of the most barbaric and chaotic periods of that time - the last half. From what I have gathered from several sources, the Assyrians would conquer kingdoms brutally and plunder them OR make peace with them and require the rulers of these kingdoms to pay a substantial tribute to the Assyrians. During Isaiah's lifetime, Judah had fallen under Assyrian tribute law. We start in chapter one where Isaiah is called to do God's work.

The first chapter, after Isaiah accepts his position as prophet, he immediately sets to work explaining that Jerusalem is in trouble. God's people have taken him to the end of His patience, and He's about to dish out some discipline to get their attention. By the end of this chapter, however, God's promise to deliver His people comes into play again, and we see that the enemy's plan to completely wipe out the bloodline of Christ will not come to fruition. God remembers His promise to Abraham. He can see our hearts. He will deliver those whose hearts remain pure.

As a mom, this brings me to tears. I am a forty-four year old woman who, after living a life of shame and rebellion and being set free from all of that, still can't get it right. I lose my Jesus on my children. I eat too many Reeces peanut butter cups. I harbor resentment. And yet God knows my heart. I pray daily that my heart is clean, that God will forgive me, and that I can be one of His chosen ones that He delivers. Through this prayer I know that He forgives me, and I pray that the next day will be better, and that I will invite Him to help me make better choices with my kids, my health, and my life.

The next installment of this series will move forward through a series of chapters. Isaiah's first thirty-nine chapters made me want to pull my hair out. By chapter fifteen I wanted to cry thinking that I was going to have to read sixty-six chapters of sin, death, and destruction. And yet the entire story wrapped up so beautifully by chapter fifty-nine (which, to me, was the climactic chapter), it actually took my breath away to conclude with God's grace. 

Remember, this is just one woman's journey through this book. I encourage you to take your own journey through it as you read through my revelations. I pray you are as blessed as I have been to be called to read this part of God's word. Much love to you.

Seek Him in the quiet. Keep him in the Chaos.

This is a beautiful illustration of how we seek God in the busyness and chaos of our lives when in all actuality we have to STOP the chaos to hear. He speaks to us, but we have to stop and listen. Very difficult when you’re in the midst of disaster, trauma, chaos, or severe anxiety/depression. This is why practicing while you’re in a better state is so important. Practice makes perfect. If you can connect while things are good, you have a better chance of staying connected while life is crumbling around you.

Does this mean there’s no hope if you’re seeking in the midst of disaster? Absolutely not. What it means is that you might need to hit a place where chaos gets so out of control it leaves you in a heap in the floor as it walks away, dusting off its hands in temporary triumph. Then, and only then, does it get quiet enough to hear God’s voice of comfort, forgiveness, and mercy.

Never again will I leave myself open for disconnection. #stayconnected

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord , but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12