The list of themes for my morning devotions grows longer, and yet they're all related if you really take a good look at them.
- Idolatry*
- Fear
- Forgiveness
- Pride*
- God's Perfect Love
- Boundaries
I starred idolatry and pride because I really had no idea why those were even on the list, but time has proven a good teacher as I continue to peel back the layers of my boundary-less life to discover enough idolatry and pride for a small town full of people.
Recently I have had a few disappointments of which I was unable to really pinpoint the source. I understood the physical world source (people being human), but for the life of me, I was unable to understand why I was so emotionally distraught by the situations. Because of the level of disappointment, instead of heading into prayer and fasting as I probably should have, I ate half a pizza, drank Coke, and stopped counting points - my old "go to" idol to pacify myself for a while. What was I afraid of? Why was I too proud to accept God's Perfect Love and just let Him deal with it? Why couldn't I just let it go?
I had pointed out a few things to a close friend last week - on her high expectations for others and her my perception of her lack of trust, but last Friday when I was driving to my counseling appointment (this couldn't have come at a better time) I realized I was pointing these things out to MYSELF. This always happens! Recognizing others' character flaws before understanding the reason I can recognize them so easily is because I know them so well! UGH!
I really had thought that I had let go a lot of my high expectations for others. To be fair, I think I have. I don't let a lot of what others do bother me like I used to. I used to just rant like a lunatic when somebody lacked common sense to do something they should clearly be able to do. Even those who constantly chip away at my sanity have a significantly smaller effect on me than they had in the past. But apparently there are some underlying expectations I had for others I didn't even know I had until last week.
I'm still a people pleaser, although I definitely monitor myself a lot more than I ever have. Last week I hurt my friend - a sister in Christ, and the remorse I felt was so deep, I wanted to suck back a lot of what I had said, but I know that's not how life works. I apologized in front of the group - to the group and to her. And although some of the group sort of acknowledged my apology, I had a tough time for days afterwards because not one person accepted my apology or forgave me outwardly. Not one.
For some reason this hurt me to the core, and I was sucked into several days of self-loathing, which I know is not from God but from the enemy himself. I can identify the attacks from Satan now pretty easily, and I knew what was coming, but for some reason I just couldn't muster up the energy to take up my Shield of Faith and Sword of the Spirit and meet him head on. I was already drained and exhausted.
So I let the devil beat up on me for a few days. Until yesterday when I actually had a day where I wasn't running all over creation. When my prayer timer went off (yes, I set a timer to go off throughout the day so I can stop and pray) I actually sat down and prayed out loud two or three times during the afternoon while I was doing laundry and vacuuming. No reading. No music. Just an honest and raw conversation with the Lord to ask Him to bless those whose behavior was hurtful to me and, more importantly, for me to be able to openly and honestly communicate what I need to others.
I practiced this with my boyfriend this weekend. I told him that I'm going to try and be more conscious about apologizing, but when I do apologize, I'd like to hear him acknowledge it and accept it. For some reason I need that right now. And guess what??? I did. And he did, and it made a difference! But now how do I communicate that to others? Or do I? It seems like a big request and a high expectation.
Back to prayerfully contemplating this one. I am thankful to the Lord for filling my heart and soul with His word, and at times when I accept it, His perfect love.
