Beauty from Messes by way of David

More and more often, I'm being led to Old Testament scriptures, and I know exactly why. I had been refusing to read the Old Testament because I was afraid of the God of that time. He seems so wrathful and scary, but with my new devotions and some discussions I've had with others, I am finding myself digging into the books of Daniel and the Samuels. I'm being taught how to read and apply, and today I want to share some things about David and the way that God worked in his life.

I am drawn to scripture that discusses sins of the flesh for the simple reason that I have been there, and I want to know more about how God heals us from the pain of those sins we commit. Today I was led to David's seduction of Bathsheba. David, a man of God, sees this beautiful woman whose hubby is off at war fighting HIS war and he seduces her and gets her pregnant. And THEN . . . then he tries to cover it up by bringing her husband home and encouraging him to go sleep with her so that her husband would think the baby was his. Adultery, betrayal, lying, manipulation. None of them worked, and the man went back to war. As if that wasn't enough, David had her husband put on the front lines so that he would be killed and David could marry Bathsheba. I wasn't sure, at this point, whether he married her because he wanted her, he loved her, or because he wanted to cover up his sin. Maybe a little bit of all three . . .

But the baby was born, and God was not happy with David. There seemed to be no remorse.

Ohhhhhhh I've been there too.

And things got worse.

After being led to his errors by Nathan, David repented in front of the Lord, and the Lord forgave him. Sadly for David, the child born out of adultery became ill, and after David fasted and prayed for seven days, died.

After the death of the child, David went to comfort Bathsheba for the loss of her child, picked himself up by his bootstraps, and moved on - clearly more focused on his walk with the Lord. And soon after the Lord gave him another child by Bathsheba. And God was pleased.

At first glance, this is a story about adultery, something I am versed in quite clearly. But this story is so much more than a "shame on you" story. I learned several things from the word of God here . . .

1. David was a man of God. He sinned. Multiple times. Everybody sins. Even men of God.
2. Trying to cover up a sin leads to more sin. Kind of like trying to cover up a lie leads to more lies. Stop while you're ahead, or you're going to make it so much worse.
3. Eventually, doing things according to our will and not His will reap disaster and pain for more than just you. David lost a child due to his attempting to handle things on his own.
4. For healing to begin, repentance must take place.
5. Accept our faults, heal, and move on. Do not dwell.
6. God will make beauty from messes if we ask.

Each of these six points can be easily applied to my life. I sinned. I keep sinning - even though I try not to. I tried to cover up my infidelity for months which led to lies and more sin. I tried doing things according to my will - yeah, that didn't work out so well. It drove me down a very dark path that, honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to come back from . . . it was dark down there, and the hands that held me down were strong. I hurt myself and wounded my husband, my children, our families, even the other man I loved. I lost my entire life as I knew it, and at several points, I thought I was going to die. And finally I heard Jesus calling me . . . felt his forgiveness. I repented and began to work on me - to figure out why I'd been unhappy and lonely for so long.

The hardest part was accepting my faults and not dwelling on the hurt that I had caused everybody. Even now, over a year later, I have to bounce my thoughts away from it or I will end up back in that dark place of self-loathing.

But today God has made beauty from the mess that I made. Do I hurt? Yes. I miss my children something fierce when they go to their dad's house. That is my permanent consequence for my actions, but I am accepting it and even asking God to help me to use that time to honor him. I've lost my best friend in my sister-in-law and a friend in my ex-husband. I've lost relationships that I cherished.

But I've gained a strong relationship with Christ, a desire to become a healthy woman - both inside and out, bonds with healthy women who keep me accountable, a stronger relationship with my parents and siblings, control of my own life for the first time, love for myself, and a Christ-centered relationship with a man who is now a man of God himself.

I am broken, but I am glued together with the gold that only God can provide. I am kintsugi. I am not lonely. I am happy. I am gaining health. I am accountable. I am a provider. I am healing. I am still a sinner, but I work hard at being a woman of whom God would be proud. I am a healer now. I am called to share my story so that others can be drawn to Him and his healing and forgiving power. Never. Ever. In my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined I'd be in this place today. This is the beauty that He has created from my mess.